THE LATEST FUTURE STORIES #2

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Predictions from Joe Tripician

RAID!

In an overnight operation some are comparing to the capture of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro—if Maduro had been made entirely of precious metals and required a forklift—President Donald Trump sent US troops to Knoxville to “secure” the gold stored inside Fort Knox. (Yes, Fort Knox is actually in Kentucky, but geography has never been Trump’s strong suit. The troops eventually found it after stopping for directions at a Cracker Barrel.)

The heavily armed forces encountered little resistance, mostly because the guards assumed this was just another elaborate prank for a reality show. Six injuries and no deaths were reported, though one soldier did sprain his ankle doing a TikTok dance on a pile of bullion.

All 4,580 tonnes of gold bars—roughly the weight of 600 elephants, or one Eric Trump—were loaded onto armored vehicles and convoyed to the White House, where they now fill the basement of Trump’s new ballroom, displacing what was previously Melania’s “Do Be Best” trophy collection.

“This was a very forceful and important operation,” Trump announced from atop a literal golden throne he’d had commissioned during the convoy. “It’s important for national security. A lot of countries want to steal our gold—Mexico, Canada, probably Greenland—but now they won’t be able to. Quite frankly, Biden did a terrible job of securing my gold. He probably doesn’t even know what gold looks like. Now, it’s mine, and nobody’s going to get it. It’s mine, you hear me, MINE!”

Whereupon the President closed his eyes and remained motionless for 37 minutes while gripping two gold bars like a less attractive Gollum. Upon awakening, he had no memory of the incident, promptly ordered a McDonald’s hamburger, and “Aced” his paper placemat puzzle (which was a tic-tac-toe game he’d played against himself).

FOOD FIGHTS

High prices and low employment have created a surge in food lines not seen since the Great Depression—except with better smartphone footage. Violence broke out in Huntsville, Alabama, when a 78-year-old woman reportedly cut in line and suffered minor injuries when she was hit in the head with a one-pound block of government-issued cheese.

Witnesses say that it was “very gouda” that the woman survived.

From her hospital bed, the woman thanked President Trump for keeping Communism from “invading us through the vegetables” and then dined on powdered milk donated by Canada after Trump blocked funding for food assistance, claiming “real Americans drink whole milk, not this dehydrated socialist nonsense.” The woman reportedly gave the powdered milk four stars, deducting one star because “it tastes like freedom, but with a gritty texture.”

The cheese-wielding assailant remains at large, though police say that capturing the criminal will be a “feta accompli”.

DANES COOK

President Trump signed an executive order officially changing the name “Danish Pastries” to “MAGA Muffins”—which is also his nickname for White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, a fact that has made breakfast briefings deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Denmark responded by renaming “American cheese” to “Processed Orange Whiney Squares,” which Trump called “very disrespectful” before admitting he’d never actually tried cheese from Denmark because “it’s probably too woke.”

Bakeries across America are struggling to update their signage, with one New York shop owner sighing, “I just bought 500 boxes that say ‘Danish.’ What am I supposed to do, put MAGA stickers over them?” (Spoiler alert: Yes, that’s exactly what the Executive Order mandates, along with a small portrait of Trump giving a thumbs up.)

CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS

An apparent clerical error has displaced hundreds of US Army Generals from the Department of War (formerly the Defense Department, formerly the Department of War—Make America 1940s Again, Now With More Measles!). These decorated military leaders found early Monday morning that each had been replaced by corporate officers of General Mills.

General Mark Milley’s position is now held by General Mills CEO Jeffrey Harmening, who immediately proposed replacing standard-issue MREs with variety packs of Lucky Charms and Trix. “The magically delicious-ness will boost morale,” Harmening explained at a hastily arranged press conference, where he stood next to a very hungry-looking Tony the Tiger. (The odor of poop filled the Oval Office -- but that was before the tiger was brought inside.)

When asked about his military experience, the new “General” noted he once won a particularly aggressive game of Risk and “watches a lot of war movies, mostly the ones with Chris Pratt.”

Cap’n Crunch has been appointed to the Navy, while Count Chocula will oversee nighttime operations. The Trix Rabbit was denied a position for reasons the White House described as “classified, and also, tricks are for kids.”