FUTURE STORIES #1

I predict…

ICE ON ICE

In a brisk cold morning in Brussels at a local McDonalds, the U.S. and Denmark signed a deal leasing Greenland exclusively to the U.S.

The Trump Organization takes a “Partner Fee” of 35%. The location was chosen as the closest fast-food restaurant just 1km from NATO HQ.

HUSKIES UP NORTH

Two weeks later, America launched a surprise attack on Ottowa, Canada. They were met with small military resistance and would have advance to claim territory if not for the harsh winter conditions which left a dozen soldiers dead from exposure.

RUSSIA NUKES UKRAINE

Russia fired its first nuclear attack on Ukraine, wiping out millions. President Volodymyr Zelensky went missing. Many fear he died in the shock wave.

The EU called the strike “The single most dangerous illegal attack on a sovereign country. We are monitoring the fallout from the weapon and warn all citizens to shelter in place.” U.S. Spokesperson Kid Rock said, “Don’t y’all enjoy a summer rain? Man the fuck up!”

Hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian citizens outside the central blast zone wandered hopelessly in search of water and medical assistance. None was available.

THE MEASLES outbreak in the U.S. has spread to nine additional states, up from 4 as of last week.

Elon Musk riding an exploding rocket as it plummets to earth

THE BIG BLUE

The blue states of New York, Illinois, California, Massachusetts, Maryland, Hawaii, and Vermont sign an interstate trade pact. The agreement, called The Big Blue, blocks cooperation with federal authorities and withholds tax payments to the federal government.

California Governor Gavin Newsom held a joint press conference with the other governors where he laid out the plan to build parallel legal, economic, and administrative systems. “This will render federal policies unenforceable at the state level. We will no longer fund anti-constitutional activities, such as ICE raids on our citizens.”

President Trump responded by deploying 10,000 more ICE agents into Los Angeles. Newsome, in turn, called up extra National Guard members.

The following week, Trump enacted martial law. The Department of War, headed by Nick Fuentes, was caught off-guard. Because of the military deployments spread thinly across Venezuela, Mexico, Greenland, Canada, and Gaza US troops had to be flown into California, Michigan, and New York on commercial flights.

These troops faced a set-back when the New York Governor sent State police to shut down the airport and begin arresting the troops for trespassing, incitement to riot, and for enforcing an unconstitutional claim of martial law.

New York Governor Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said, “We will not stand by while Trump’s boot-jacketed thugs trample all over the Constitution. We will fight you in the courts. We will fight you in the streets. We will never surrender!”

A DELICATE PRESS BRIEFING

After disappearing for three weeks -- during which time AI was used by the White House to show Trump dancing at the New Year’s Eve Ball in Canada’s Rideau Canal Skateway, urinating on Volodymyr Zelensky’s grave, and performing anal sex on AOC -- Vice President J. D. Vance announced Trump’s death.

“He died as he lived,” said Vance, mascara apparently dripping from his eyes, although he was smiling throughout, “Eating a Big Mac and touching young children-- uh, the hearts of young children. He will be deeply, deeply missed. No time for questions. I’ve got a meeting with the President-- excuse me, with NASA Director Elon Musk to discuss our plans of buying Mars.”

AN EPSTEIN ERUPTION

Missing since 2024, Nadia Marcinko flight instructor and alleged co-conspirator of convicted child sex offenders Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, made a brief appearance outside the Criminal Courthouse in New York. Flanked by lawyers on both sides, she announced a settlement with a group of survivors.

That announcement was followed by a surprise release of 10,000 documents, which contained flight logs, emails, photos and shocking videos. In one video, Donald Trump is shown having sex with a girl reportedly age 13 years.

Reached for comment, President J.D. Vance said, “This is an obvious AI fake put out by the radical left to try to trample on the grave of our best president ever. Besides, it doesn’t matter what her age was. 13 is old enough to have control over her own body -- unless that involves killing babies through abortion. Something that will become national law next week. God bless America!”

Goddess help us all.