Notes #1: On (casual) dating

Welcome to Notes. A very random type of piece I’ll be writing to expand(or rather think out loud) on any kind of singular thought that I had, a conversation, a quote, a tweet, or absolutely anything else. This will serve just as another small space to force me to write without worrying about any structure or goals whilst not digging deep into the idea either.

So, at a staff party earlier this week, there was a conversation where I got asked:

What am I looking for, or what am I hoping to happen if I meet someone new. I didn’t really know how to answer — I still don’t know how to answer that.

I had these same questions and issues figuring out what I’d want for a while now. I had those same thoughts just before I ended up getting into a relationship at the end of last year. One that started off with the idea that it would’ve been casual, but then it turned out to be not-so-casual.

And now being single again, I’m having those same questions. Now, after a month of being single and after ending a relationship because I didn’t think a relationship was what was right for me at this moment, this time so far has really reaffirmed that.

That hasn’t changed. I do love my independence too much. There are way too many things on my mind that I want to consider. There is little to no time to actually commit to the expectations that come with a relationship. On top of that, what this first relationship showed me is that I still also need to see what I even like and not like in the first place.

But then that goes back to the question: what would I even want or look for now?

How do you go about figuring that out?

I guess the simplest thing to do is to not even worry about that?

But then the issue comes up for me is if/when I do meet people and get to know someone. How would you approach that?

When you’re looking to date intentionally with hopes that it leads to something more serious, it becomes easier because there is clarity. You’re either meeting someone, and they’re great, and you’re going to look to see if it can go further, or they’re not, and you will either never see/talk to them again or they can just be a friend.

When you’re looking to “meet” people or “casually” date, there is no clarity or clear expectations of what you’d want that to turn into, especially when you know that you wouldn’t want it to lead to a relationship.

And when I have talked to some girls recently but didn’t look to get their numbers or anything, a friend asked why not? But I just didn’t know how to answer that. I guess because I just didn’t care for it or that it may come across as having some expectations.

Maybe I am complicating this(I do tend to overthink a lot), and that this is just what it means to date casually. But it’s just a bit more difficult when you never did it — you don’t know what you don’t know. I “tried” to date casually, and it ended up being a relationship very quickly.

I think at the simplest level, if I have to answer that initial question, then I just want to meet people. Whether that starts and stays as just friends or goes further than that, I don’t think it matters.

Beyond that, then, what comes up next is how do you go about casually dating? That feels like such an arbitrary thing that could mean a whole bunch of things. Some may call it just a FWB or a situationship, or it’s simply hooking up. But then do you do that and see other people? How exclusive is it? “Are” there any expectations/boundaries that come with it? Again, does it even matter? The more I think about it, the more I realise no, because it really just comes down to the individuals involved.

I think the worst part about potentially casually dating is a mix-up of expectations where one person develops stronger feelings and wants more. That’s when I feel like things could get complicated. Then that raises some issues that come up for either person.

But this would just go back to clearer communication on what that is and both of your boundaries/expectations.

I actually read an article that kind of touched on this:

And there was this one paragraph that makes a good point about what this should be about:

The point is to experience. To feel pain. To develop boundaries, not just be told in a self-help book or via a TikTok therapist what they should be. To be disrespected and learn respect for yourself. To understand what you want, and what you definitely do not. To figure out what is enough and what isn’t. To say, I will never stand for that again. To say yes. To say no. To feel alive. To have fun for the fucking fun of it! Life, love, sex, romance, devastating heartbreak - to go through it all! It is so fundamental. I wasn’t ready to meet the right person then anyway. I was having way too much fucking fun. Why does no one ever talk about that?

I think we(I) have also complicated what dating is or what it should be when it really just should be to have fun without overcomplicating things or coming up with labels or worrying about too many things.

The one and only rule that should be a requirement is having clear communication on what it is for both people, so that there isn’t any worry that someone may lead one another. At that point, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with anything.

There have also been a couple of TikToks or Substack articles that I’ve seen that all talked about not having your 20s be in a relationship. And that also makes sense. Related to the article above, I think you should aim to have a varied experience before getting into one(yes, there are exceptions) to get to know more about yourself. Being with all kinds of other people does help a lot.

That’s how I feel now too, especially after my first relationship.

This is why I love to write and will encourage everyone to do so(whether you share it or not). It helps build clarity and set your mind on something. All it took was a bit over 1k words to calm my mind and decide what to do.

So, just heading forward, casually dating with no expectation is what I hope to happen. The hope is to just have fun with said people in whatever way that is.