Helicopter parenting our teens...

How do you know when to allow your child to experience a natural or logical consequence for their choices and when do you step in? “Maybe we should do as our friends are doing and just let go and allow him to learn the hard way!”, a concerned parent commented in my office during a parenting consultation session. This “step aside and see” approach is tempting. When you parent a teen, you may alternate between intense micro-management and complete resignation. Many parents begin to feel that they are behaving just as erratically and inconsistently as their hormonal teen!

It is important during the teen and young adult years to remember to slow down and pay attention to who your child is and who she is becoming. When you focus on the child you have and not the child you wish you had, you’ll be much less likely to compare your teen’s progress to others. Here are a few categories to consider as you help your teen make their own decisions.

“Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It’s about hanging on during a very bumpy ride” - Ron Taffel, Ph.D.

• School Achievements: Many parents are concerned about their teen’s ability to get into college and succeed after high school. These fears are completely understandable given the current climate in higher education. It is tough to get into a good college, pay for it, and leave school without significant debt. You might have a teen who does the least amount of work required. Maybe she tells you that she “doesn’t see the point” in getting good grades. Perhaps he doesn’t seem able to track how his present-moment decisions will truly impact his long-term outcome. Again, you know your child. Do you have a child who is only motivated by external consequences? Maybe she needs to repeat a class due to a failing grade. Or is your child one with neurodivergence and needs the scaffolding you’ve provided to help her take a few steps forward and a couple back while she slowly makes her path? Decide as parents what academic stakes are too high for you to not intervene. Then, let the rest become learning experiences that naturally teach them to be responsible.

• Social Life: For the most part when you are a parent of a teen or young adult, your ability to control who they hang out with is limited. You will undoubtedly have moments when you want to intervene on their behalf. Unless your child is in danger, it’s more likely that he will learn more from a lived experience in his relationships than from your advice. Understand that you might feel emotional pain watching your teen struggle with being accepted or recovering from heartache. Accept this and talk with your partner and friends about all of this but let your child’s social life be her own experience.

• Risk-Taking Behavior: Teens and young adults love to push limits. In part, they are working through an important task – identity development. It can be simple limit pushing such as sneaking their phones at night, eating junk food when you preach healthy eating habits, debating the family’s political or religious beliefs, or listening to music that offends your sensitivites. Allow them to learn their lessons about poor sleep, diet, and how these decisions impact their daily functioning. But, do not alter their requirements or obligations to accommodate their poor choices. They will learn through the natural and logical consequences. And, if they are engaging in ideological differences, be proud that you are raising a child who feels secure enough to voice different opinions in the home! However, you should stay fully engaged and present for your teens and young adults. There are irreversible consequences for some risky behaviors including:

• Alcohol and substance abuse

• Risky sexual activity

• Criminal and delinquent behavior

• Interacting or following groups that provoke hate and violence

With these activities, you cannot afford to be worried about being seen as a “cool” parent who lets things slide. First, know what your non-negotiables are and enforce those. Have values and rules that are spoken aloud in the home. Your teen and young adult already has friends and friend’s parents who are cool and relaxed. They need you to be the consistent, firm limit that keeps them grounded through their turbulent teens. You’ve got this!