You are only as happy as your least happy kid...

You know that saying, “You are only as happy as your least happy child?” Well, I still struggle with feeling this way myself. Both of my kids are young adults. It’s been a long journey of trying to disentangle my own emotional well-being from theirs. In fact, I have memories of coming home from work, eager to celebrate a “win” at the office, only to have the wind taken out of my sails by one or both of my kids’ heartache. It’s not that I wouldn’t share my wins with them, or hide my accomplishments because of their pain or struggles, it was that I literally didn’t feel as joyful for myself. I also empathically felt like I too was going through whatever heartache they were experiencing. It was (and sometimes still is), emotionally exhausting.

At first I thought that maybe I was just too sensitive for this parenting thing. Of course, it was a bit too late, because I had already brought two humans into this world. So I had to soldier on, riding the rollercoaster of their emotional experiences as well as my own. But as they grew and I did too, I decided to do some therapy of my own in order to get clarity on this situation. After all, if I was going to be a healthy mom and a child psychologist, I needed to figure out how to do the things that I was trying to advise other parents to do.

What I discovered was something I try to remind myself as I parent my own kids, and weave throughout the Integrated Parent approach, a program that I teach parents in my clinical practice. What I’ve learned is that it is normal to feel our children’s feelings. In fact, we are wired for it. This is called being attuned, and it is often what makes us good parents. But there should be a distinction made between being attuned and being fused. We can feel our child’s pain without living inside of it.

When we allow our children’s moods, disappointments, rejections, and failures in life to dictate our own moods, we risk exhausting ourselves. And, if we struggle to maintain our own sense of self in spite of our children’s struggles, we model something unhealthy for them too: that one person’s mood should be able to run an entire household. That’s a lot of weight to hand a child, even unintentionally. Instead, visualize yourself as a safe container for your child’s difficult feelings. Allow them to share their joys and their struggles with you, knowing that you will validate and empathize, without falling into your own despair along with them.

Remember the goal isn’t to care less, it is to stay a separate person while continuing to care. It’s not always easy, but it can be done with mindfulness and practice. Talk with your partner, therapist, or close friends about how your child’s life and feelings are impacting you. None of us should be trying to do this parenting thing on our own. The healthiest version of this isn’t “their pain becomes my pain.” Instead, it should be “I see your pain, and I am staying steady for you to help you work through it.” But remember that you need others to help you work through it too. You’ve got this!