A little bit no

One of the phrases I’ve seen permeate women’s circles and flood our algorithms is: “No” is a complete sentence. Which… is true, both grammatically and conversationally.

However…

It’s also nearly impossible to execute. Think about it. When’s the last time you casually threw out a hard “no” that wasn’t intended for either a misbehaving dog or child? Even then we tend to soften it with a “no, buddy, we don’t jump!” or a “no, do you want to lose your fingers??” (Insert whatever hypothetical outcome would result of the death-defying activity your child is attempting.) My guess is most of you, like me, can’t think of one recent example.

And we know why. Because if we just walked around saying “no”, people would have thoughts about that. Thoughts that likely include a word adjacent to witch. We’re thought of as “difficult”. “Combative.” “Uncooperative.”

We’re also told, one way or another, that in order to get ahead, you just have to say yes to things.

Things that aren’t in your job description.

Things you may not actually have time to do.

Things that you don’t even know how to do, but you’ll figure it out, girl!

Let me quickly add that in many ways, I do believe saying “no” is a privilege. Certainly in a professional sense as a byproduct of age and experience.

But cumulatively, these repeated pecks and pressures to say “yes” result in agreeing to take on things that don’t always align with who we are, what we want, or worse, our values. These little yeses may feel insignificant or validated in the moment, but then it’s death by 1,000 paper cuts, and by death I mean total burnout and overwhelm.

When my oldest was about 5, one night at dinner I asked her how she liked her food. She thought for a moment and then said, “it’s a little bit good… and a little bit not good.” This is now one of our most-frequently used Wolfe family phrases. And possibly one of the most brilliant and existential responses I’ve ever heard. Girlfriend has always been deep.

Think about the weight of that statement, though. How many things do we feel like that about but let the “little bit good” overshadow the rest. I now find myself answering yes/no questions in a similar way. Do I really want to do this? A little bit yes, a little bit no. There’s always a case to be made either way, so what I’m learning is how to conduct a bit of an audit when I’m faced with this indecision.

My Yes/No Audit

In business, I’m naturally strategic and very goal-oriented. No brag - it’s important to know your strengths. These qualities don’t stop when I shut my laptop. So when I look at real life situations through the same lens I would when making a business decision, or how I’d coach one of my clients, it becomes so much clearer. It’s the same way I’m an amazing soundboard and hype-woman for my friends, but terrible cheerleader for my home team.

At the end of the day, I know my why and what my goals are. What’s truly important to me. If the result of this simple yes/no audit distracts from or doesn’t ladder up to those things, it’s probably a no. I’ve also gotten really good at spotting when something seems like a good opportunity, but is actually more of a distraction. Or just one of those sneaky false idols (pride, popularity, power, etc…) trying to lure me in. Like most exercises, it’s getting in reps. Building that no muscle memory.

I’ve also been doing a lot of work around discernment the past few years, and in no way is my intention to downplay the importance of those exercises. (There are a ton of books and resources on St. Ignatius and the Spiritual Exercises, I am not an expert, just a fan.) But sometimes I get myself stuck on Indecision Island, and so I’m just learning how to simplify some of these decisions that don’t require a whole discernment process, you know? It’s a marathon, not a sprint, to be sure.

And I totally get that this a hot take for someone who hosts a show called “Simple Yes.” But the other thing I’ve learned is that when you say “yes” to something that’s not whole-hearted or really meant for you, you’re taking that “yes” away from someone who may actually be that right person. Or you’re skewing the data. If more people said “no” to things they didn’t want to do, maybe there would be more improvements made. Or time cleared for the things that do matter. (Time!! Another post forthcoming on that.)

Plus, those times when something was meant for me? I knew it. Sooner or later, I became sure of it. (See: this post.)

When you give yourself permission to think about your answer, to spend time in prayer and trust what comes from it, it really does become clear. And that clarity will set you free. Free to say “no” to something wrong so you can say “yes” to something right. Maybe it’s choosing not to join a committee. Maybe it’s ordering takeout instead of cooking dinner. Maybe it’s not answering emails after 5pm. Only you can decide, but you have to know what matters so you can let go of what doesn’t.

Even if it’s just a little bit no at a time.