One More Thing

I’ve been feeling a little spin-cycle-y lately.

That feeling when you muster up the courage to get into the ocean after negotiating with yourself for over an hour. Finally convinced that there are definitely/probably not sharks this close to the shore line, while also running back scenes from Jaws over and over in your mind, and as you slowly head into the special Jersey Shore color of somewhat murky brown waters, that first wave crashes on top of you and sends your feet somewhere over your ears and your equilibrium is like WHAT?

Like that.

Lots of wheels in motion. Plates are a’spinning. The to-do list is to-do listing.

So naturally I decided I should write a Substack. Because what’s one more thing?

***********HARD LEFT TURN INCOMING*********

Ok, I’m going to be real honest with you – I started this post three weeks ago and realized we were leaving for a “camping trip” the next day and I had yet to start assembling all the things. I use “camping” loosely because we stay in a cabin, which I will NOT apologize for, because tent life just ‘aint it for me. Plus there was definitely a mouse scurrying throughout our quaint little abode like a tiny king of the logged castle, leaving little brown presents around, so I think we can all agree that’s “roughing it”.

Anyways, three paragraphs in, I had a, “What are you doing, go pack, immediately!!!” revelation so I skedaddled back and forth between the laundry room and garage, and started making my piles. Pool things. Fishing things. Eating things. S’mores things. Snack things. Fire pit things. Dog things. Bug defense things. Survival things. (See also, bug things.) As many piles and bins that I stacked and sorted, there was always one more thing. Adding. Changing. Rethinking. Until I had to say, “OK! Enough things.”

I think you can see how this ties into where I started... (If not, just go with me.)

I so often find myself in this trance of making and adding to these little stacks and piles in my life. Work things. Mom things. Volunteer things. Spiritual things. Wife things. House things. Coaching/sports things. Hobby things. (HAHA jk, what are those?) But I don’t ever get to the point of saying “OK, ENOUGH THINGS.”

And it’s not about saying “no” per se (see my last post), I think it’s more about this false idea of perfection that lives in my head, and how we just have to keep feeding these little fires out of fear that if we stop, it will go out and the darkness will reveal we just couldn’t hack it.

It reminds me of one of a dream I used to have every few months. I’m back in the restaurant where I worked in high school/college, waiting tables, and I have SO MANY. Like, too many. I’m running around, trying to remember everyone’s orders, but the sooner I take an order, another table comes in and I realize there are 4 other tables I haven’t even seen yet. Then I go try to put everyone’s orders in and it’s a new POS machine that I don’t know how to work, my boss is mad at me and everyone knows I’m just a big failure. Collect no tips. Do not pass go. Turn in your apron. Go back to college and fail finals because you haven’t gone to class all year. (Nightmare mashup!)

And I was a killer waitress, you guys. Like, my tables llluuurrrved me. I volunteered to take extra tables in the banquet room every weekend because I wanted to be busy (and make that $$). But every now and then, on a hectic Saturday night, you’d hit that breaking point. Someone ordered chicken alfredo, and you brought them lasagna, and all of a sudden the dam broke open. You cannot take one more thing. This is the crack through which that nightmare haunts me. Anytime things start piling up, I’m back to slinglin’ spaghetti and waking up in a cold sweat. Planners and to-do lists are futile.

I’m finally realizing that the idea of if I’m always adding or doing one more thing, I’m making progress! is such a lie. Yes, we should never stop working on ourselves, asking God for the grace to be the best versions of who He created us to be. But sometimes that takes more pruning than planting.

I don’t mean that in the “if I just lost 10lbs” sense.

I mean, taking a realistic look at your life and asking: what am I doing that’s less about fulfilling my vocation as a wife, mother, business owner – a Christian, hello – and more about making sure what the world sees measures up to unreal expectations no one is actually setting for us?

There’s a to-do list for you.

One of my favorite quotes, from the exemplary Mother Teresa, is: God does not call us to be successful, but to be faithful. Think about what that means in your life. If I really think about which one I’m holding over the other, success…perfection…fill in the word of the day, one of these is always sneaking back to the top.

But when I take the time to stop thinking about what I still need, or don’t have, or haven’t done, and instead focus on gratitude for all I have and what is in store – thinking about the reasons behind all these little piles I’m making, and how lucky I am to be called to make them – it turns the worrying on its head. Because you cannot hold both at the same time. (Seriously, it’s science.)

That’s when I enter into a posture of trust. A place of peace. A chance to catch my breath and let things just naturally fall into focus. What’s really important vs. what momentarily felt urgent.

Because that’s the beauty of a full life. If we’re so lucky, there will always be one more thing. One more chance to do good. One more opportunity to take a step on the path being laid out before you.

And what a gift that is.