When Matt and I had a second opinion consultation with the doctor to whom we would later transfer our care, he gave us the best advice we had heard to date — and it had nothing to do with medicine.
As he outlined his recommended treatment plan based on our diagnoses, he said,
“I anticipate you will need three more egg retrievals to obtain the number of euploid embryos you need for the family size you want. I suggest you do this over the course of one year starting next month, but don’t sweat going faster than that. Don’t cancel any trips.”
Of course every person will get different guidance from their doctor: this was specific to us. I was 33 when we started our first IVF cycle — young by some standards, though my low ovarian reserve made our journey more of a race against the clock than others my age. Someone in their 40s, perhaps, might get different advice. But it does beg the question: does delaying a cycle by one month destroy your chances of conceiving?
In most cases, the answer is likely no.
But aside from the fact that our doctor ended up being spot-on correct — it took us three more cycles (four total) within one year to create the number of euploid embryos we aimed for — this advice rang so loudly in my ears.
While Matt and I initially considered canceling a trip to a friend’s destination wedding and a solo trip of mine to meet a friend’s new baby, we scheduled our cycles around those trips, delaying by a few weeks or a month each time. And I’m so glad we did — it brought us back to the fullness of our lives.
The #1 reason people quit IVF before they reach their goal of having children is the unbearable psychological burden of the process.
For many, deciding not to move forward is the right choice, and can be for any number of reasons. But for others, the burden weighs them down for good before they are truly ready to move on.
Infertility and IVF is an emotional rollercoaster of grief and hope. It is sometimes the biggest investment — financial, emotional, time — that someone will make in their life.
Fertility treatment takes over your life; it takes over your brain. Your life revolves around constant appointments and timed injections. For me, it turned me into a voracious researcher: I read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, was constantly googling ways to optimize my treatment. It was felt like my brain had no space for anything else.
Further, infertility robbed me of me naivete. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it ushered in the death of the version of myself that didn’t know what I know now — someone who was always on the right side of the statistics, who never thought the “bad thing” would happen to them.
In the thick of IVF, I can’t count the number of times I cried to Matt that I couldn’t keep going. Couldn’t do one more egg retrieval. Couldn’t bear another canceled transfer cycle (more on that in a later post).
But a few things have kept me going to this point.
I didn’t realize until later why my doctor’s advice resonated so strongly for me. As I had immersed myself, my life, so deeply in our fertility treatment, it felt like permission to let go, just a bit.
It was a reminder that I am more than my fertility. It was a call to get back to the things outside of our hopeful journey to parenthood that make our life, and our marriage, full.
Do what expands your worldview — beyond IVF
Fertility treatment requires laser focus, an all-in commitment. Before you know it, it can create blinders that block out the rest of your life outside of infertility.
If this resonates with you, ask yourself what brought you joy before you began fertility treatment. Ask yourself (and answer honestly!) if you are still making time for those things in your life.
When do you feel like your truest, most whole self? What reminds you of all the great parts of your life that have nothing to do with your fertility? A hobby, travel location, friend(s)? Make a plan today to reintroduce it into your life.
For me, this is:
Traveling with Matt
Walks and FaceTimes with friends
Cooking long, luxurious recipes that I may not have time to make if/when we have children
Getting back into knitting after a hiatus (and not knitting baby items for myself or others — guilty)
Strength training (and not a pregnancy- or fertility-specific workout program)
Exploring my city, going on the hunt for the best matcha (File Systems of Coffee’s Japanese black sugar matcha is the current top contender, if you must know.)
Take care of yourself for you, not just for your future pregnancy
Fertility treatment requires extreme diligence around lifestyle decisions. Everywhere you look, there is guidance about what is or isn’t optimal for fertility: what to eat, how to move your body, how to manage stress (because nothing causes more stress than trying not to be stressed). If you’re anything like me, the guilt and self-blame begins to creep in if you feel like you’re not optimizing your body “perfectly” for fertility.
But what if you focused your self-care back on yourself and what makes you feel good, instead of only doing what you’re “supposed” to do to prep your body for pregnancy?
Always follow your doctor’s guidance first and foremost, but consider where you can focus your lifestyle choices on what feels best for YOU:
Do the workouts that you look forward to, that make you feel strong — not just the fertility-friendly program that you secretly hate.
Make healthy food that you truly enjoy — not niche foods that influencers tell us are fertility superfoods.
We’ve all heard someone say you must go gluten-free regardless of intolerances, or eat pineapple core for implantation, right? No, neither of these claims are backed by science.
Seek out physical and mental health care that reduces stress and makes you feel your best, not just because it preps you for pregnancy — whether that be therapy, acupuncture, massage, or otherwise.
Actually. Rest.
Here’s a tough one. Fertility treatment requires incredible stamina, both mental and physical. Enduring the never-ending rollercoaster of good and bad news at various stages of each cycle, the sometimes debilitating physical symptoms around an egg retrieval, and yet another day of injections can be enough to make anyone question whether they can survive another day of treatment.
Rest is absolutely critical.
No, you don’t get bonus points for powering through the day when you’re at your worst. There is no strong-arming or outmaneuvering IVF. Ask for help when you need it. Take an extra day off for egg retrieval recovery. Take a mental health day when you’re feeling low — seriously.
It will make all the difference.
It took us four total egg retrievals to obtain the number of embryos we wanted for our ideal family size. Those months were grueling, all-consuming.
After the final cycle, Matt and I took our first two-week vacation since our honeymoon six years prior: we traveled to Stockholm, Copenhagen, Oslo, and Bergen.
We wandered aimlessly through new cities (Copenhagen was our favorite), summitted an incredible fjord hike, took in unforgettable views, drank actual alcohol, and shed tears of joy because of a single bite of food. We didn’t think about cycle tracking, monitoring appointments, or embryo fertilization results. Importantly, we made memories together that had nothing to do with our infertility, but also brought us closer.
It reminded me that we are more than our fertility, no matter what happens.
We’re still taking it one day at a time. We rise with the sun each day, put one foot in front of another, and do what we can to keep going.
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