Something to notice about this list: so much of what I do these days to regulate is about fine tuning my environment. Some of these are raw, honest and not pretty. Some are long term things I’m working on.
It’s not about bubble baths and deep breathing but assessing your life with a ruthless eye for pruning that which doesn’t work for you and doubling down on that which does.
Disclaimer: That being said, I’ve done a ton of somatic trauma release and attachment work over the course of about a decade which is needed in many cases before you do some of the following (esp considering cutting people out of your life - sometimes that’s a trauma response when conflict resolution would be better instead).
You need to be able to track the way your body is responding to things to differentiate between what’s a trauma response and what’s data from your body and brain about what’s not working.
**Some people make their lives very small and very rigid in the name of regulation but true nervous system regulation is about resilience and being able to flow with the cycles of settling and activation in the system that is a natural part of being human, NOT about never getting dysregulated.
Also most of these you can do yourself, wherever you live!
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I ate french fries when I wanted to. lol. 90-95% of the time I eat non-processed, anti-inflammatory foods because I have celiac disease so cook at home a ton but when I’m out and can find safe food for me/a gluten-free fryer, I love to enjoy that.
Lesson: Find enjoyment in a guilty pleasure here and there. Really savor it.
I walked through my favorite boroughs of London, phone down, noticing all the beautiful nooks and crannies
lesson: this is called visual orienting and it helps pull the brain out of survival states and into parasympathetic nervous system states:
I noticed when I was starting to get overstimulated on said walks (which for me can first show up as irritation/agitation) by being in big crowds and I did NOT override it - I stopped, took a break in a beautiful coffee shop (with AC), ate or drank something, anything to make getting home easier.
Lesson: learn to notice the signs of dysregulation earlier then take breaks. Slow down. This is what I help train people to do in my work.
I wear a hat and SPF like it’s my religion - this is regulating for me because I can feel when my skin isn’t happy being out in the sun too much - it’s hot, uncomfortable and my eyes hurt too. Plus all my skincare (I’m looking at you retinol) would be for naught if I was letting my skin get damaged in the summer sun! No point in buying ANY fancy skin care if you’re not going to wear spf every. single. day. Without fail. No exceptions.
Sensory input from your skin is just as important as any other sensation. Listen to it and protect yourself.
I worked somatically on parts of myself that were scared of standing out, of having more than like three people in the world who want to hear my opinion, of telling the truth about what’s happened to me in my life. I do NOT override them or try to make them go away. They are only trying to help keep me safe. After a lifetime of never being believed, heard or taken seriously this is scary and weird and I also take the responsibility really seriously because my work impacts people so I have to be sure it’s accurate and worth reading/consuming.
I befriend parts of me that are scared and create safe space for them inside of myself.
I connected with my audience through the free workshops I’ve been holding. I LOVE seeing your faces, hearing your stories, your ideas, your pain and what you hope is on the other side of trauma. I’ve been loving this connection and the clarity calls I’ve been having with people wanting to join Toxic Family Survival School.
Connect with people and work that brings you purpose and meaning. If you don’t have that, work to create it.
Aug 4
I walked instead of taking the bus. The buses in London in summer are miserable. Think sitting in traffic in a stuffy bus with no airflow. No thanks.
Choose the option that’s more comfortable. It’s okay.
I massively simplified how I run certain areas of my life: I realized that the worst advice I’ve ever gotten in the last five years was to try to outsource various parts of my life that should never have been outsourced. It consistently created 5-10x more work, stress and immense amounts of frustration for me because I was outsourcing my agency. The tasks were so easy I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done it earlier but had been too overwhelmed to see if before. It's SO easy to miss a source of constant stress and frustration when it’s something commonplace in your life. You've been doing it for years but it's secretly dysregulating you.
I can guarantee you have something in your life that's quite literally ONLY making your life worse but runs in the background. Getting rid of it is like taking the trash out and then realizing your whole home smelled like rotting trash but you hadn’t noticed bc it happened so slowly. I was scared to make this leap because I didn't think I could handle it all but turns out when your brain is less stressed, you are far more competent.
I hired a personal assistant. The worst mistake they could make is over- watering my plants. They take over tasks around my house like walking + feeding Lennon, some food prep, unloading and loading the dishwasher, light vacuuming and dusting. Simple stuff but SO time consuming when I could be spending that time on creating content for YOU.
Outsource the RIGHT things that are low stakes- whatever you can that’s in the way of you living your purpose and then spend that time building your dream yourself.
I finally planned a day trip outside of London. Bath here I come! I’ll share more about that next week!
Take small day trips, mini vacations or a half a day off and watch what it does for your mental health.
photo by Randolfo Santos
I continue to slowly connect with my neighbors. When you’re an immigrant making connections and chosen family is even more important. I slowly make friends with my current neighbors even if they tend to be colder/less open/take more time to get to know (British) and that helps me feel safer in my environment.
Build connection and community with people around you without over-working. Feeling a sense of community provides safety especially if you’re no/low contact with your family.
I found a vet closer to my flat for Lennon. I realized there was a niggling stressor in the back of my mind that his current vet was too far away and outrageously expensive (they charge you $30 for every rx they write!). I worried about what I’d do if he needed emergency care. A neighbor recommended the one closest to us and said they were great and way more affordable. Sold.
Listen to the things you’re anxious about and DO something about them. Don’t just stew in the anxiety. Let it MOVE your body toward change.
I walk Lennon along the Thames and pinch myself. I’ve always felt a pull to live by water (an astrologer told me this and confirmed what I’d always done). I let Len sniff to his heart’s content, walk as slowly as he would like and look out at the water.
More visual orienting.
I budgeted and was careful with my money. As a US business owner living in London, my money is worth 73% here. It’s painful and London is wildly expensive as is even if you’re getting paid in British pounds. Being intentional with money has been really lovey and regulating because I’ve simplified my life.
Being responsible with money is far more regulating than not tracking it.
I loved this substack note as financial goals. I could have NEVER created the life I have now without regulating my nervous system to handle independence, differentiation from a hyper controlling person who is no longer in my life (I share about them in paid posts, not public free ones- just to clarify), and SUCCESS. Yes, success requires nervous system recalibration TO the SUCCESS you want. This list is still a work in progress but that’s the fun of it!
Consider what your dream life looks like and set goals to get there. A changed life is a radical nervous system regulator.
I let myself sleep as much as I can/feel I need to. I was sick this last week and struggling to sleep. If that means sleeping in, fine. My brain does NOT work if I’m sleep deprived. I’ve created a life for myself that doesn’t require an alarm anymore and I’m really proud of myself for that. It wasn’t luck. It was hard work over 15 years with a dream I was serious about accomplishing: having a time and location independent business. I worked five jobs simultaneously when I was in grad school the first time and so glad I don’t have to do that kind of thing anymore.
Sleep is one of the most powerful nervous system regulators there is.
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I bought a wifi router blocker thingy. I was staying up WAY too late, like embarrassingly late, watching TV for whatever reason. This is so bad for us in SO many ways and now the wifi turns off and I cannot turn it back on no matter what lol. I also do this with social media with the freedom.to app. Here’s the one I bought.
Manage your social media + device usage- this helps to balance circadian rhythms which is vital for mental health.
I listened to my oura ring’s readiness score recommendations (and how I felt) when I got sick. I did not override that my body was really run down with a cold/cough. I paused my more intense kettlebell workouts and running and did gentle pilates instead.
Wearable devices can help confirm what you might already feel in your body. Listen to them/yourself.
I didn’t push through but felt well enough to show up for my work and just asked my students for grace when I had coughing fits teaching. In the past, when I struggled with severe perfectionism (also a work in progress), I would have been so embarrassed and anxious being vulnerable in this way. If someone’s annoyed with me, they’re annoyed with me. I’m allowed to show up and be human and I’m grateful to my students who have been with me for a few years now for telling me they prefer me sharing vulnerability and moments of imperfection than not. That feedback has been invaluable and I’m so grateful to them.
Allow yourself to be human, to be seen struggling. It’s wildly regulating.
I continue to reduce mental emotional load/effort in relationships that aren’t reciprocal. This continues to be a high ROI behavior for me and requires continued awareness and work with my therapist, mentor and coach (yes I employ three different people in my life to continue to do the work on myself).
if you’ve been the sensitive, hypervigilant, empath in your family you are going to be more susceptible to this.
I dance. I sing. Regularly. Here are a few of my fave artists playlists right now. Noah Kahan, Freestyle Radio, Fever to the form radio. We dance regularly in my groups as a nervous system completion exercise.
I grieved. Like really felt, really deeply cried about some things. Because true trauma work requires a LOT of grieving and emotional completion. This grieving cannot be forced and can’t be done cognitively - it has to come through organically by being with what happened and staying present with your body and the parts of you that were affected:
I grieved that I’d done my absolute best with my special needs dog who was paralyzed and almost died when he was 2.5 (he survived and is 8 now but costs me a lot of money on meds, supplements and raw food) and viciously attacked by a pitbull at 9 months, but I still don’t feel it’s enough. I often feel like I haven’t done enough for him, haven’t given him the best life and literally considered giving him away last week so he could live on a farm because I love him and wondered if he’s unhappy. And love says “if I’m not the best person for you then I want you to have the best life even if it’s not with me in it.” I cried deeply about the fact that he’s been with me while I healed from the massive ups and downs of cPTSD and that I often feel inadequate for him, that I’ve dragged him all over the globe with me, that I’ve been mad at him for just being himself (Pyrenees can be very stubborn). And on the other side of the grief, I realized that my best was enough even if it didn’t feel that way all the time and that any living being would rather feel loved in an imperfect life than be abandoned. And then I took this adorable and funny photo of him totally relaxed. This grief allowed me to open back up to him and find joy with him again:
b. I grieved how many non-reciprocal relationships I’ve subjected myself to over the years. My coach said this to me and it hit home at a different level this time. I had a moment with that one. This is a continual work in progress.
c. I grieved experiencing unchecked, constant abuse at a certain point in my life that no one did anything about: I won’t go into this in this post because I don’t elaborate on my more personal history in public/free posts but this has been a big one to process.
I worked on planning for my trip to the US in Spring of 2027 to pick up my gluten-detection puppy! This will be massively regulating for me because gluten exposure is such a source of anxiety and stress for me because of how sick I get. This is her mom and her dad and it’ll take me 18 months to train her with my trainer once I pick her up. I can’t wait to meet her and am excited for Lennon to have a little brother or sister.
So let me know in the comments - which of these resonated with you and what can you apply to your life? Where could you do more to make your life more enjoyable and frictionless?
P.S. Don’t miss the workshop this weekend!
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📞 Want to work with me 1:1? [apply here].
The neuroscience of estrangement and healing from the impact of parental emotional immaturity and narcissism
💡Become gaslight-proof. 100 real-world scripts that address 10 categories of gaslighting: reality denial, blame-shifting, boundary-setting, gray rock, DARVO, self-trust rebuilding, and more. Words for the moments your mind goes blank. These are scripts I’ve used to successfully work with highly manipulative people and parents in wilderness therapy.
⁉️ Was it really that bad? This workbook contains one of the most eye-opening tools our community keeps coming back to: a deep dive into the 28-point assessment of exactly how narcissistic and emotionally immature your parent really is.
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Hey there! I’m Jenna, the brains and heart behind The Holistic Neuroscientist. Originally from the US, I had a 15 year dream to move abroad and made that dream come true through the healing systems and practices that I’ve now teach to thousands of students.
Healing my brain and body from complex trauma allowed me to move to London two years ago. I’m the happiest, most grounded and emotionally safe I’ve ever been because I created a life of freedom from narcissistic abuse and complex trauma.
I’m a licensed therapist and clinical and molecular neuroscientist and study the way the brain and body are impacted by chronic stress and trauma to help my clients and students heal and transform their lives.
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