CTRL

SZA was onto something when she named that album CTRL. My perception of her vulnerability revealed that our human emotions, as humane as they are, have the power to make us lose control. Imagine crashing out about a man not paying attention to you in your 20s like that... like damn girl, CTRL!

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I recall when I lost control. It was a new year, and I came in with many promising ideas and systems to help me achieve them. And one random day in February, I skipped a step in this routine I had treated like a religion, and my dreams came tumbling down.

I lost control. I was living without control over the occurrences in my life. I was surviving.

One roaming month later, I made a mental note to regain control precisely around 6pm after work, while I was watching one of my favourite YouTube(rs).

See, I have these role models, mere strangers whose lives I resonate with. These are people who have chosen to welcome others into their life journey. Somedays when I’m sad or battling with existential dread, I visit their accounts and get reminded through their vulnerability that it’s okay to cry; it’s okay to have zero idea of what happens next; it’s okay to be exhausted; it’s okay to take a break to figure things out; As far as you’re living, showing up, life will present you with more opportunities to live.

So when I watched one or two of my queens (because that’s what I call women thugging out life) speak on “Redirection”, it felt like it was high time I regained control.

My life is a Big Dream, one without limitations. Control for me is about restoring alignment and sticking with discipline for the systems I have created; without these, I can’t achieve any of my dreams.

It began with me returning to my roots.

“TOUCH GRASS”

I was trying to find a balance between work and other aspects of life.

Work felt like hell, especially because I was being addressed by my surname. New workspace, new faces, new interactions, and I had a reputation to protect.

“Smart, quiet, respectful Tochi”

Now that my surname was coming into play, it felt like an awkward reminder that I come from a long line of strangers I am obligated to represent proudly. Everyone knows there’s a lot of pressure that comes from having to represent a lineage or a tribe because i also didn’t want to be seen as the “untrained Igbo girl”, Trust me, I’ve been there. And the silly fool, one silly tribalistic senior from secondary school, who put me there, i hope she stubs her toe today

(I forgot to share . I’m an intern physiotherapist )

Each time I heard “PT Emegano”, I’d whisper a silent prayer, hoping that I had not done something wrong.

I had to sit with myself and mentally accept that:

IT’S FINE TO FAIL. No one is watching, and if they are, good luck to them.

IT’S FINE TO NOT ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER

IT’S FINE TO NOT UNDERSTAND STUFF

IT’S FINE TO NOT REMEMBER STUFF

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT FOR ANYONE.

It took time, but gradually, I started living for myself and not the thought of impressing anyone (even if I’m literally getting graded for this internship)

Another reason I lost control was the climate change in the country. Outside the AC chilled cubicles, there was Lagos heat. Lagos heat makes me dysfunctional.

The heat was accompanied by a power outage. In 2026, a country as developed or underdeveloped as Nigeria doesn’t have stable electricity. A country with over 200 million inhabitants who actively contribute to this technology-driven world was subjected to a blackout for days. I lost my ability or interest in productivity outside of work. While trying to conserve my battery and remain informed, I lost control. Most of the days were spent with me taking long showers so I could fall asleep while hoping they would bring the light or ignoring my dripping sweat to remain asleep. Sleep helped me grieve my limitations.

So I regained control when they restored our light by dropping my phone. My phone is my everything, but it also makes me consume a lot of things that keep me from being productive. I had to create a plan, a system that would help me utilize my time properly. I set a timer for my most-used app (Twitter). Now, every interaction I have there is a mindful one because I know my time with it is limited. I returned to my former system of reading books, at least five chapters a day. It’s still on my phone, but it’s away from human interaction, and it gives me time to create genuine thoughts, learn about parallels in human experiences, too.

READ A BOOK TODAY.

I use my phone to set reminders because I am very forgetful. I mean, my mind recalls the tasks I have to perform at the wrong time, so that was very much needed. I’m working on returning to my hobbies, make-up, writing, etc. My sleep routine is still trash.

I can’t recall why I chose to share this; it’s one of those times I feel proud of myself. I love being in control of situations in my life as much as I love panicking and overthinking the results of my actions.

If you’ve lost control, I hope you retrace your steps and find yourself. And if you get adrenaline to function better when you don’t have control, i hope you get that too.

Till the next time I’m prompted to write about my silly emotions.

Stay safe, mi amores.