22 PARAGRAPHS FROM A 22 YEAR OLD GIRL

Trigger warning: This piece involves terms regarding self-harm, and if your name isn't mentioned, there's a tendency to feel less 🙃

Anyone who knows me knows how much I wished I died at 13. I didn’t watch The Virgin Suicides until I was 19, by the way. I guess it’s a universal experience, losing sight of whatever beauty the world offers and seeking death. I mention it every year because it’s some sort of reminder that I’m still here, too weak to end the chapter, so I’m just counting my days till it’s the last one. I never liked being here. The world doesn’t faze me. It’s just my fear of the unknown that is keeping me behind. What lies beyond when I close my eyes and cease to breathe? Sometimes I joke with my friends and ask who wants to go with me. I’ve been too lonely on Earth to be alone in the afterlife.

It is very rude to say I’ve been lonely on Earth. Because I haven’t .

I’ve been blessed with the gift of meeting kindred spirits. My friends, my lovers. The yellows in my black and white hues.

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I was privileged to spend 6 years with more than 256 girls. Six turbulent years of my life, and somehow, I owe my survival to them. I cried, bathed, laughed, danced, and starved with them. I found kindness amidst the craziness, somewhere in the sweetness of a senior reading my stories and encouraging me to write or a junior comforting me after I was publicly embarrassed or my mates encouraging me to remember I’m smart and worthy enough to represent the school in whatever silly competition I was selected for. I want to stay back to see them achieve everything we spoke about. I lost one of them this year, I’m no longer mad about it because she achieved a few things she spoke about. May Bolanle’s soul continue to rest in peace. May Mary’s soul continue to rest in peace. May Aninoristella Lois’ soul continue to rest in peace.

I’m staying back for my sisters. For Fathia’s hugs on draining days

I met Esther in the course of the six years and I’ll tell you our meeting was destined. Esther is the reason why this newsletter exists.Without Esther constantly reminding me or answering my “Am I pretty?” questions, I don’t think I’d have this level of confidence. My best friend and my lover. I’m staying for her love and kindness, for the days we’d need to laugh about boys or rant about our parents, for our big big fat orobo dreams, and for her big forehead too.

I’m staying back for my secondary school teachers and my lecturers. I want them to see the fruit of their labour.  That’s it. I’ve seen a few of my teachers recently, and oh, have I been so grateful. Now that I am grown, I cherish them more. Sometimes, I think of how Mr. Olabisi used to pursue us to go and eat. No one does that for me now. Adulthood sucks.

I’m became close to Favour when we got to uni, and then Precious became our third. The ‘Damaged Love life” is the primary reason I survived uni. We’d tour the school talking about our failed love lives, grades, and lecturers,and trust me, we gossiped about your messy relationships too. I’m staying back because they’ll beat me if I go!

I met a group of boys in my first year of uni when my phone was seized for a week. This group eventually spread into one of boys and girls, ended up getting the name Nasty boys and girls, backbenchers. Somehow, each of these people played important roles in shaping my thoughts, and they were also there for me the many times I thought of dying. Seyi and Bimbo were there when I spent my whole day crying about my close to perfect result.It’s best to stay back for them. For Timi, Seyi, Yimika, Praise, Samuel, Precious…and the rest of the backbenchers.

I met Seyi that same year. I can’t recall how we became friends but I remember, we gave ourselves a task to make a lot of friends in one week. Did we? I don’t speak to half of the people I forced myself to speak to that week. But I have my Seyi by my side. Seyi was the first person in uni who watched me cry over my grades and from then I knew, If I was comfortable enough to breakdown so easily in front of someone like that,we have a long way to go. Seyi has been there with every step I take, every aspect. My strong, multi-talented queen. I’m staying because we still have a lot to gossip about,and maybe we’d end up catcalling boys when we get our cars. Plus,she’s the only one I trust with my lashes. S lashes!!!!

I’m staying  back for Oyewole too because he has taught me to remember  “I’m privileged to be in the room”, it doesn’t matter if I think I’m not good enough. I’m staying back because I kinda wanna see him working as a sports physiotherapist for one football club, and I’m waiting for him to stop supporting Man U or for the club to get better.

I met Amaka in my final year when Precious and Favour had graduated, and I thought I was going to die from loneliness. Slowly, she became a part of my routine and pretty much a moderator for my vices. I’m staying back because ….(a lot of redacted stuff), but yeah, I love her.

I’m staying back for my siblings and every ounce of unconditional love they have shown me.

I’m staying back for my past lovers. I don’t know. If I died it’ll probably break them. 

I met Mo’ and so far,he’s the only one who has asked why I want to die…and I wrote a whole newsletter on it. I think he advised I just keep gathering things that make me feel alive. I’m staying back for Mo’ because he’s Thanos. 

I’m staying back because leaving would be rude to Odin. Odin is an online friend, the only one I speak to when my brain thinks physical pain would help reduce or control whatever bundle of emotions I’m feeling. Odin is a semi-colon, and I’m proud and glad he exists.  

For the many online friends I have made, my tomato, my sweet angels, Orame, and Deps, I’m staying back.

I’m staying back for my co-workers. They look like peace, and I like peace.I’m staying back to play badminton with Iyin, so I’ll be better at it. I’m staying back to study how she manages her emotions, I think it’s beautiful to easily express oneself the way she does, as opposed to suppressing emotions and dancing with composure. Let it loose. All of  it!

I’m staying back because of you,my dear reader, because somehow you find my 2am thoughts relatable. I have taken it upon myself to never make you feel alone.

Each year, I wonder which new friends I’ll make because in the end, my most priced treasure is the experience I share with these people.

I’m tired of writing about how amazing people in the world are.And it’s 12am, and I have work, and I also have a sore throat. 

I’m staying back for the quiet mornings,the sad Sundays, the happy Fridays. For tiktok, for colours, 

For the beautiful music, for SZA, Kali Uchis, Hozier, Santi (my hurzband), and many others. For my spotify wrapped. For 3-step music, for Afrobeats, for Indierock. For the podcasts

For beautiful movies. I’m yet to watch Call of My Life, so yeah, I have to stay back to consume many of Uzoamaka’s features. Southpark is also releasing new episodes in Spetember, I’m staying back like mad oooo. 

I’m staying back for the books, I still have to continue that one romantasy book that blew me away. Plus, I still plan to perform my poems at an open mic event, I can’t leave this world without people hearing my voice.

For the beautiful architecture, I want to visit every ancient building in Dan Brown’s books, and yes, I want to tour the world

The food, I’m staying for the first feeling when I bite into tasty Shawarma or pizza or chicwizz or pancakes. I even plan to have a breakfast shop, so there’s that. And ice cream, bounty chocolate, I wonder if they have that in heaven or hell

For once, I’m staying back willingly because of the people who have contributed greatly to 22 years of my human experience. This year, I promise to TRY to stop saying “I’ll kms” or “I wish I was dead” at any inconvenience (my friends are probably reading this with a nasty smirk on their face because this isn’t the first time I have made this promise). I promise to feel every emotion accordingly and not entertain suicidal thoughts. That’s my birthday gift to you!

Happy my birthday to you.  I hope you have a wonderful my birthday.

May is Mental Health Awareness month, every day should be mental health awareness day. It gets hard, and it gets really hard, but suicide isn’t the option. I don’t know which options we have, but I’ve been told suicide isn’t on the list. Speak to someone, cry, do whatever, but don’t entertain suicide as an option.

I love you 

Stay safe