Having a crush is good for your mental health

When was the last time you had a crush on someone? High school or maybe undergrad? Do you remember what it felt like? Thinking back on my crushes in high school, the thing I remember the most is…how much fun it was!

Watch a teen or tween talk about the crush they have on a pop-star, and you’ll watch them experience the full range of human emotions. And in those moments, they are fully alive. Crushes are fun and silly and happy; they are optimistic and hopeful; they are imaginative and filled with vitality. These are all good things, but we stop having crushes as we grow older. Somewhere along the way, while growing up, we started believing that being an adult meant performing control and competence. Meaning, we stopped making time for having a little innocent crush on people. And I think that’s making all of us a little unsexy right now.

Simply put, a crush is a pleasant, low-stakes charge of attention towards someone, and is driven by imagination. The key here is that you don’t have to know the person you’re crushing on. Crushes often work better if you don’t know a lot of information about the person, because the gap is where the story lives.

Crushes are distinct from limerence. Limerence is an involuntary, obsessive infatuation marked with intrusive thoughts, and the other person’s interest in your impacts your mood (uplifting you if they show interest, going down if they don’t). Limerence is a psychologically-researched experience. Limerence is consuming, while a crush is a happy add-on to your day.

A crush is also different from real attraction — where there is a connection and desire to create a deeper bond and meaningful relationship. Crushes are usually projections of an idea onto a person, whereas attraction is oriented towards an actual person. Crushes are not relationships, in that there is no reciprocity. There is no desire to actually be in a relationship with your crush, the potential of it is what sparks desire. Crushes can be enjoyed without needing anything back. And importantly, crushes are ephemeral. They are moments of time, not long-standing unrequited loves.

If you’re confused about how you feel about someone, a good test is question is: does the feeling you have need the other person to reciprocate in order to be sustained and be fun, or can it exist as yours alone, unresolved? A crush can tolerate being one-sided and still be joyful.

The capacity a crush draws from — to be enchanted by someone, to use your imagination to fill in the unknown parts of that person, to feel your own sense of aliveness sharpen in their presence (or when you think about them) — is the same cognitive and emotional skill the underlies intimacy, creativity, and desire. This is not something we “should” age out of just because we are older; infact, we should hold on to it until the very end.

Crushes bring a level of whimsy, because they requires imagined scenarios. Daydreaming is not a sign of immaturity; daydreaming is a form of aliveness and it connects us to the vitality of our lives. There is something called “positive constructive daydreaming”, which is is the playful, wandering, imagining we do in life that gives a richness to our inner worlds. A small crush is a great way to access that.

Positive emotions like joy, anticipation, and whimsy have a compounding effect in our lives. If your mood is a little lifted by a harmless crush, and there is a small pep in your step for a few weeks, you’re more likely to be more curious, open, and more willing to try new things because of this new infusion of joy in your routine. This can have a broad impact on your overall mood.

Finally, one of the most interesting outcomes of a crush is not actually about the other person. In our daydreams and imaginations, we are a different version of ourselves — and that’s what makes the crush so compelling. That version of you, in your crush-imagination, is the lifeline back to your vitality. How can you bring some element of that version of you into your real life?

Two axis: Proximity x Consequence

• A crush on a celebrity, stranger you saw on the street, barista at the coffee shop, or fictional character is closer to a para-social relationship. It is a one-sided bond that feels emotionally real and doesn’t have the structure of a relationship to protect it. It has no stakes attached to it, no one to disappoint, no rules to follow. It safely holds longing and desire in the imagination.

• A crush on someone real in your life — coworker, a friend’s partner, a friend — can get hazy. This type of crush has real-life consequences if disclosed inappropriately or acted on carelessly. While we can’t control our feelings, which are automatic and not a moral failing, we are in control of our actions. That’s where accountability lives: having the feeling doesn’t make you bad, what you choose to do with your feelings is what will define whether it is good or bad.

Reflection: Who was a person you had a small, private crush on recently - and what did the daydream about them consist of? If this crush was information, what would it be pointing you towards?

This is not just for single people, by the way. This applies to partnered people as well. This doesn’t mean you’re not in love with your partner, or that something is wrong with your relationship, or that you are a morally bad person. Developing a crush is natural. But most partnered-people feel guilty if they do develop a crush on someone outside of their relationship (even if its a para-social crush on random person on a train).

Research shows that fantasy can have a positive impact on a relationship: fantasizing (even when it’s outside of the relationship) has shown to increase warmth and supportive behaviour towards partners. A healthy crush can actually nurture your relationship, if done appropriately. And appropriateness is not about the fantasy, its about whether you protect the real relationships in your orbit.

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What If You've Been Mistaking Anxiety for Love?

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Jun 10

We trust chemistry and distrust compatibility, when the evidence suggests we should be asking better questions of both. Chemistry without compatibility is a beautiful beginning that can become a relentless negotiation. Compatibility without any chemistry creates a flat relationship. But the hierarchy we believe — instability as passion, steadiness as boring — is making many of us unhappy, lonely, and is not serving us.

Another thing to remember is that crushes while in a partnered relationship can give you meaningful data about yourself. If you look into it, you might notice you’re wanting to bring some novelty into your relationship, or might be craving feeling wanted in a new way by your partner, for being noticed for something, or wanting to be surprised, or wanting more flirtation. It’s better to explore these emotional dynamics instead of shaming yourself.

And lastly, you can actually have a crush on your partner too. I know that sounds weird but I think that’s the secret to a long-lasting relationship that has the perfect blend of stability and desire. Think about the way you behave around a crush — we tend to like the things our crush likes (movies, shows, music, clothes), we remember small details about them and their lives, we know all their favourite things (bands, movies, foods) and often gift them their favourite things (tickets, reservations, merch, etc). These are all things we slowly lose in long-term relationships, sometimes taking desire and excitement for granted, sometimes life gets in the way. If you take a crush-energy and put it back in your relationship, it will shift the energy in your relationship meaningfully.

We are living in a joy-deficit right now, or what Forbes called “The Rise of Meh” which is such an accurate way to describe this moment. The vibes are meh right now, and I feel like if we all had a small crush on someone, we would be slightly happier. Having a crush won’t cure the burdens of adulting, but it will bring brief glimmers of joy to your life. So, don’t be embarrassed of your fleeting thoughts. Don’t put a damper on your imagination. And live out your one wondrous life — one crush at a time!

What came up for you reading this? I’d love to know, share your thoughts in the comments below.

That’s all for now! May your tables, health, and happiness be always in abundance. Live well + be well xx,

Israa

[My book, Toxic Productivity, is available everywhere books are sold. You can learn more about it here: link]

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