The Synod on Synodality and the Vatican Dicastery for Science have partnered with the United States Department of War’s Unidentified Anomalous Phenomenon (UAP) disclosure program to produce the UFO/UAP Mysteries of the Rosary, a new, “more scientific, exciting, and relevant,” according to the Dicastery, set of meditations for the faithful of 2026.
“The UFO/UAP mysteries will help the Catholics of today ponder the intractable mysteries of the universe and the alien saviors we are all looking for through five meditative topics and examples of their most mysterious and profound workings,” said Cardinal Gunter Schuster of Dusseldorf, Germany, prefect of the Dicastery for Science. “We hope Catholics toss out their old, cringeworthy, superstitious, Joyful, Sorrowful and Glorious Mysteries in lieu of praying and meditating on the revelation and the reticence to be revealed of our new alien overlords.”
to our gracious and all-powerful alien overlords.”
While the Rosary has been changed over time, most prominently by Pope St. John Paul II’s introduction of the “Luminous Mysteries”, the recently proposed “Environmental Mysteries”, the “Synodal Mysteries”, and the “Independence Mysteries”, this new set of meditative themes goes “far further into the esoteric, immanent, and unexpected than any Rosary yet attempted,” commented Cardinal Schuster, who also runs the Synod on Synodality and the German Synodal Way. “Some people are too backwards to meditate on the surprises of the spirits, but that can’t be helped. We must move forward.”
The five new mysteries of the Rosary, outlined below, were crafted with help from the U.S. Department of War as well as various coalitions of believers in alien contact and visitation, and express, according to one of them, prominent religious studies author Dorothy Welsh Pushkinsalsa, “man’s search for the transcendent in the darkness and silence of the world.”
The Book of Ezekiel: This mystery represents possible UFO activity behind Biblical events and calls the faithful to open themselves to new perspectives and to the manifestation of a materialistic mindset, and the earliest prophecies and appearances of benevolent extraterrestrial intelligence. The fruit of the mystery is openness and inclusion (but only to alien theories).
Roswell: Represents the need for trusted government to shelter mankind from what is too much for him, even to the point of making up things to pretend to shelter man against. The fruit of this mystery is prudent deception (when needed for the public safety, with a special moment of intercession to another person with this virtue, St. Anthony Fauci, recommended during this decade of the Rosary). This mystery also calls the synodal faithful to reflect on how they can reach enlightenment if they just dare to believe in the aliens, hidden as they may also seem to want to be for their own purposes too mysterious for us to ever grasp.
3. Area 51 / Bob Lazar: This mystery calls the faithful to reflect on the reality of the transcendence of UFOs amidst the hiddenness and absurdity of all evidence for their existence, a paradox illustrated most imminently in the life and legacy of Bob Lazar and Area 51/Site S4. The fruit of this mystery is courageous credulity, to believe in the power of memory (and that the hiddenness of UFOs and aliens is a result of their working out for our best interests)
4. The Tic Tac Incident: This mystery calls the faithful to reflect on the danger posed by UFOs and UAPs to safe airspace, and calls on pilots who’ve had such sightings to aid in reporting on what they know so that man, some day soon, can be lifted up in the pleroma of perfection and immanent self exaltation offered to him by the transcendent visitors from across the stars. The fruit of this mystery is loquaciousness.
Disclosure: The final mystery of the UFO mysteries invites the faithful to reflect on the ultimate UAP/UFO mystery, the endless process of disclosure and why it’s always coming but never here. It invites the skeptic to reexamine his perspective in light of the New York Times articles on the process, the congressional hearings, and the absolutely irrefutable mountain of evidence while calling the believer to a new conviction to “trust the plan” even when it seems that the rug is always being pulled out from under him. The fruit of this mystery is secrecy ordered toward greater congressional oversight.
One additional notable change to the UFO/UAP mysteries of the Rosary is the lack of the traditional Marian focus or of the inclusion of the traditional prayers of the “Our Father”, “Hail Mary”, and “Glory Be”, replaced with new prayers, “Our Alien Overlords”, “The Disclosure Prayer”, and the “Glory to the Defense Department” while the “Rosary” itself used to pray and mediate with the prayer will have little mini-UFO discs instead of beads.
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