August 11th, 2026 — Synodalville, Synodland — With the ongoing perpetual self-adoration and self-congratulations of the Synod on Synodality leading the Church forward, step by step, toward what will ultimately be a de facto THIRD VATICAN COUNCIL in all but name, few know that one of the most exciting things synodality is working to bring about in the Church isn’t just more synodality, but an entirely new liturgy for a new age: the Novus Ordo 2.0, as the Church listens to the prophetic voice of the snoring people in the pews and implements the changes needed to stay with the times.
The exact date that this incredible update will be released is still up to the spirit of synodality to determine, but Irkutsk Ice Truckers / The Daily Anathema reporters managed to contact some of the world’s top synodalists to acquire this list of ten of the most exciting innovations that the next-generation Novus Ordo, sometimes also termed the Novus Novus Ordo or the Novissumus Ordo, will proffer.
1. Mandatory deaconesses: This is what the “spirit” has been calling for ever since the 60s, but the Popes kept pushing back against. Finally, finally, they’re making an appearance, with the she-deacon running things in the new rite as the priest naps until the consecration, when she will wake him up to do the Eucharistic Prayer (one of 508 options). This represents Jesus asleep in the boat and Peter waking him up. (The synodalists don’t want this part to get out, but it means that women should also become Pope, since they represent St. Peter.)
2. Replacing the Sign of Peace with an Electronic Dance Music party in the aisles. This will help increase active participation by forcing the faithful to make a more visible sign of their peace and reconciliation with one another. It will also help the priest (and the she-deacon) show off their dance moves!
3. Lay homilies. This will not only help increase active participation in the liturgy but will the arguments over whether or not the Germans did a bad thing by simply rolling over and mandating it. We can’t wait for Jim Bob’s homily about his fishing trip and how it helped him to love himself! It’s going to draw the youths in like nothing else!
4. Better gas mileage. Yes, the Novus Ordo 2.0 is going to be better for the environment!
5. New liturgical calendar featuring more inculturation into the heroes, saints, and institutions of the everyday. St. Joe Biden, St. Martin Luther King Jr., St. Karl Marx, St. Lenin, St. Stalin, etc, they’re all going to be in there! Isn’t it wonderful!
6. Candles replaced by laser lights. Candles are so old-fashioned. Lasers are what the youths want.
7. Buffet table replaces Eucharistic Ministers. This is going to be the most controversial part of the new liturgy, and could even force a whole group to splinter off and form the Society of St. Bugnini in order to preserve the “ancient traditions” of the regular “Novus Ordo”. But getting rid of Eucharistic Ministers, while a sacrifice, will allow something even better to flourish: the faithful receiving Holy Communion for themselves, as adults, and not having to be fed by someone else, by receiving it directly from the buffet table.
8. Gathering table for all to participate in co-consecration. Further aligning with this last point, everyone will be invited onto the altar during the consecration to assist the priest in it and in order to make the new liturgy better emphasize the communal priesthood of all believers. (This practice was beta-tested at a certain Benedictine monastery that IIT/The Daily Anathema reporters were present at!)
9. AI integration. This is the vibe these days.
10. The Rite of the Synodal Forum: The Novus Novus Ordo will ensure that synodality remains part of every liturgy by having a dedicated time for “synodal sharing” as part of every liturgy. People will be invited to share whatever is on their mind, vote on new doctrines, vote on how the liturgy should proceed, which Eucharistic Prayer should be used, what the next hymn should be, etc., during a dedicated rite that will replace the penitential rites of the old, that is, the current Novus Ordo.
In addition, current reports reveal that the average Novus Novus Ordo Mass is estimated to be capable of being celebrated in about 18 minutes, about a 30-40% reduction in time spent compared to the current liturgy.
Please note that the Novus Novus Ordo, or the Novus Ordo 2.0, is not the final evolution of the Roman Rite, but merely the next installment of an ongoing and indefinite process that will continue until the spirit-given “final stage” of synodality occurs and synodality is all in all. Even as the Novus Ordo 2.0 gets released, for example, the Novus Ordo 3.0 will be in beta-testing as the Novus Ordo 4.0 is in its earliest planning stages.1
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