If I have carried every burden well, it by no means implies that I am actually good at carrying burdens, or that people should keep piling burdens on me beyond my capacity..the burden of sorrows, the burden of pain, the burden of despair, the burden of failure and loneliness, the burden of broken expectations, and God knows how many more.
There was a time when I used to feel immense pain and hurt, wondering why all of this was happening only to me. But then, slowly and gradually, I became accustomed to it all. Every subsequent burden grew heavier and more painful than the last, and I kept growing used to it, until now I feel nothing at all. It feels as though I have been crushed beneath the weight of every burden; now, no matter what happens, I feel nothing.
Some people think that I do not deserve anything good….neither from this life, nor from people, nor from fate. I have no complaints left against life or people or destiny. Perhaps it is written in my fate that no matter what I do, or how much good I do for others, when my turn comes, I do not deserve anything good.
Now, carrying burdens beyond my status and endurance, I pretend as though nothing has even happened to me. In this life, apart from me, everyone is good; everyone is fine. But perhaps I am not the way they want me to be. I am very different from this world and the people in it. Now I want nothing from this world or its people.
I have become used to carrying my own burdens, or perhaps I have become strong enough that no matter how much sorrow, pain, or harm these things cause me, I feel nothing at all. I have no one of my own, and I have not an ounce of regret about this….because I have confined myself and distanced myself from every relationship that felt I was not necessary. Now, by moving away from them, I want to prove that no one is necessary for me either.
If anything remains, it is the peace within my soul, which I want to experience by moving away from all of this. My soul wants to tell me something, and to hear and understand its voice, I need to distance myself from every pain and everyone who inflicts it.
Other than this, I have no complaints left with life, nor any desires remaining. I feel that loneliness is my best and truest friend, and I do not want to lose it.
(Written by Hina Gondal 🕊️ )
Author's Note
Writing pieces like this means opening up old wounds and putting the rawest parts of survival into words. Right now, I am navigating an exceptionally heavy season and am in dire need of financial support to keep my head above water.
If my words have ever resonated with you, brought you comfort, or made you feel a little less alone in the dark, please consider supporting my work. You can Buy Me a Coffee as a one-time gesture or upgrade to a paid subscription. Your support directly helps me sustain my writing and keeps this space alive when everything else feels uncertain. Thank you, truly, for reading and for holding space for these stories.❤️🫶🏼
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