I Fucking Hate Techbros

This is Neo. He (It?) is a home help robot created by 1x technology, and you can preorder him today. He can do laundry, wash the dishes, get groceries, and everything else you could possibly want. How fun! Do you like neo? Do you want this in your home? Because I don’t. I don’t want this within 1000 fucking miles of my house, or my girlfriends house or my moms house, or anyone’s house that I don’t hate with a vehemence and passion that would make Pol Pot blush. I won’t even tell you why I hate it, because you should know. If you look at this thing, and you don’t immediately recognize the problem, then we are enemies. You are on a different side than me and I hope we never meet. Can you believe that a company would have the gall to sell a product like this? I would feel better about selling black tar heroin to 5-year-olds as a nutritional supplement. Congress should be demanding justice. Mobs should be calling for this company’s immediate foreclosure. Inquiries should be launched. Reports should dig into everything this company has ever done. People should be in shock, but instead no one cares. No one cares that we are being sold robots that look like something from a bad sci fi film, one that ends with the robots murdering everybody!

I’m mad, in case you couldn’t tell. I’m not really mad at Neo. He probably isn’t sentient. And if he is, then he is living in a hell he never wished for. I’m mad at the tech bros. I’m mad that there is a little CEO somewhere who thought “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could make a robot servant boy for rich idiots to fulfil their dreams of owning a child slave” I’m mad because anyone who can look me in the eyes and tell me that not only does America want Neo but America needs Neo is a psychotic lunatic who should be institutionalized. When you watch a video from this company, there’s a look in the founders’ eyes. It’s the look of a man who knows he is doing something wrong and is smiling because you don’t have the balls to call him out. A mischievous little twinkle that screams “Try and stop me!” It’s the same face I see whenever Tesla or Apple or Microsoft or Google announces a new product. I call it the Tech Bro Stare. The half smile, the dead eyes, the joy for a product that is so clearly wrong. Like, Cartel members are bad. But at the very least they know what they do is wrong. Pablo Escobar knew selling cocaine was not earning him a one-way ticket to heaven. He understood of some basic level the consequences of his actions. I cannot say the same of tech bros. They scare me because they genuinely believe that they are the good guys, holding the baton as they lead us all towards progress and inner peace.

You may think I’m crazy. “Ok Hemlock, it’s one unfortunate product.” Theres a lot of great things technology can do.” Like what? Sora just unleashed a product that allows you to make….brainrot. Oh good, more brainrot, we need that. How about the new AI that unblurs faces. I’m sure organized crime and child predators won’t hear about that. Speaking of child predators, now computers can make on demand child porn. Whoopee! Wanna watch a video of your crush and you having sex? It takes 5 minutes. Flock AI cameras can track you across a society, and anyone with 50 bucks can access the data, stalkers rejoice! ChatGPT is making kids kill themselves, stealing potential suicide victims from Instagram. AI tools are years away from making deadly new viruses. The next time Isis wants a bomb, all it has to do is ask AI for help. In fact, just about every terrorist, pervert, creep, murderer, gang, rapist, and criminal the world has gotten a leg up from the newest technology. Killer drones with bombs are flying around Ukraine and Syria, but don’t worry they’ll make it over here soon enough. How about AI for telling healthcare companies who should die and who should live. That seems practical! It’s a technological revolution, get excited!

I mean, do you even like any of this new tech? Personally, the last useful technology was probably Spotify, and that came out in 2006. Can you really tell me whether a digital fridge is necessary for your everyday existence? Even this new AI is useless. We have spent trillions of dollars on Ai, only to use it to make cheaper porn and broken conversation. What the fuck! I for one am sick of it. We all know it’s making everyone crazy, and yet no one wants to do anything about it. We sit at home and watch yet another dystopian technology is pumped out, and we all talk about how terrible it is but nobody does anything about it! If we don’t stand up for ourselves now, then we won’t get the chance.

I gave up my cellphone 3 months ago for a dumbphone, and it’s been really great. One thing that shocked me about it was directions. I had become so used to using Google Maps for directions, so when I finally had to look for the street signs myself instead of an app telling me to turn, I’m ashamed to say it took some getting used to. Then I got lost, and all of a sudden I was having to stop and ask people for directions like the 1980s! The craziest part was that they seemed so shocked by the whole thing, like they couldn’t believe that I would need to ask for directions. The point I’m making is that if we don’t start resisting this technology now, then we simply won’t be able to go back. Kids totally literally can’t read books, because they just aren’t exposed to them enough. We are at the precipice of a grand transformation. Your grandchildren won’t be able to look at you, because they’ll know that you could have stopped all of this. Instead, you didn’t do a damn thing. What a shame! So, if you are sick of this stuff, like me, then stand up and speak up. We need to let these people know that we don’t want the snake oil they’re selling. Don’t use ChatGPT! Don’t use AI! Write things by hand. Read books. Be vocal about it too. If you find people with a Neo in their house, or see someone using Ai, or at this point even if they have a Roomba, then let them know that what they are doing is wrong. Above all, shield your children from as much technology as possible. Protect them at all costs. Even if we can’t stop this, if we can give our kids a fighting chance, then everything will be all right.

P.S. If you liked this essay, then leave a comment down below and tell me what you think. Also, if you feel so inclined, you can support my work at the link below. No pressure though, I’m just grateful you read to the end!

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