Why do you let yourself be treated that way?

This email is part of a series. To begin with the first email in this series, click here.

“Why do you let him treat you like that?” said one of our kids to a friend in a bad relationship.

When we don’t lay down the framework of respecting one another in the home, we may be inadvertently setting our kids up for unhealthy patterns in the future.  When we give them queues that they are not worth defending, not worth respecting, not worth valuing, they begin to accept it as a reality.  It erodes their self-esteem.  The reinforced message is, “I’m not important.”

You’ve probably seen it before—someone who goes from one bad relationship to another.  This happens, in part, because people don’t know they’re worthy of being treated well.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Not teaching your kids to say, “No, thank you,” doesn’t mean they’ll end up in a string of bad relationships.  That’s the extreme.  But what will happen if you don’t guard respect in your home is that you will open the door to some level of dysfunction.  “No, thank you,” is one way to stop this.

I’ve seen homes where the children cunningly compete with one another, try to get one another in trouble, lie to their parents to get out of trouble themselves, hide things, manipulate one another, try to hurt each other, and act cruelly to each other.  Quite frankly, it’s exhausting trying to maintain order in all of that—for parents and kids alike.  The home, which should be a place of refuge and peace, becomes a battleground.  Maybe your home feels like that.  But it CAN change and you can do it.

“You can do it.  We can help.” 
– The Home Depot

Over the years, as we built in our children the understanding that their voice matters, we reinforced the belief that they were valuable and shouldn’t be mistreated.  As a result, they started to expect to be treated well. 

Once, one of our children saw a friend of theirs get touched in a way that didn’t look quite right. 

“Do you like it when you’re touched like that?”

“No.”

“Has it happened before?”

“Yes, and worse.”

That sparked a conversation between the two of them that resulted in the friend speaking to the parents.  Turns out, this family friend had been grooming and molesting several children that we knew. 

We remembered back to a time when we had to address this individual for not listening to one of our kids’ “No, thank you.”  We explained that it was a family rule and we stood by it.  Looking back, this person was looking for the family’s boundaries, the limits, and seeing if he could push past them without consequence.  “No, thank you,” got in the way of that and he moved on.

When we teach our kids that we will listen when they say, “No, thank you,” we strengthen their self-esteem and their expectation to be treated well.

But it’s a two-way street.  More on that in the next article.

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know.

For the next installment in the “No, thank you” series, click here. To start with the first email in the series, click here.