I respect you

This email is part of a series. To begin with the first email in this series, click here.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you,
but you can decide not to be reduced by them." 
- Maya Angelou

“Stop it, you idiot!” may be a more potent way for a child to express his or her displeasure in how he or she is being treated, but it is worlds away from creating the building blocks needed to make respect an ingrained habit in your children. 

If our children’s only hope of being powerful with people around them is resorting to belligerent or forceful behaviour, their own sense of self-worth will erode.  The “fight fire with fire” approach does nothing to create effective habits of respect and self-control necessary to succeed in life and relate well with people beyond the four walls of the family home.  And that’s our main job as parents: to set our children up for success in the world.

I cannot stress enough the importance of this.

“No, thank you,” uses manners and conveys that I do not have to lower my standard of respect even if someone else is disrespectful to me.  It preserves a sense of dignity for the one being harassed while communicating inherent value for the one doing the harassing, which is important as a first step toward powerfully working out a conflict scenario.  By teaching your children to say, “No, thank you,” when they’re two, you’re instilling in them effective conflict resolution habits they will use as teens and adults.

Powerful conflict resolution starts with having a strong sense of dignity and self-worth.  We lose that when we lose control, have an outburst, say things we wish we hadn’t.  And, that type of behaviour also raises the stakes in a charged situation making it harder for the other individual involved to back down.  Welcome to the stuff of future marriage fights where couples disrespect and lash out at one another, creating wounds that do serious relational damage.  The approach we’re talking about future-proofs strong relationships.

If the first thing that “No, thank you,” teaches is “I have a voice,” the second thing it teaches is this:

“I respect you.”

What helps all of this is when this simple phrase is a family rule, and one that is reinforced on a regular basis.  The rule says that if you want to change the way you’re being treated, there is a prescribed formula, a way of doing things, a family expectation.  It starts with a polite request.  It starts with opening up communication instead of putting on the boxing gloves.  It starts with treating a disrespecter with respect.

Whoa!  Respect the disrespecter?  Doesn’t this whole approach let the other party get away with murder?  That’s what your kids might think at first.  We’ll dive into more about how to prevent that later.  But here’s a spoiler: that’s where you will step in as a parent.  Yay, you!

As our children have grown from children into adults, we have seen this become an ingrained habit: first react with respect.  This has helped them cut through the inevitable drama of adolescent and high school relationships.  It has helped them navigate conflict in their jobs.  It has empowered them to have success with people.  And other people (including their neighbours, landlords, and bosses) have noticed and told us so repeatedly.

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know.

This email is part of a series. To begin with the first email in this series, click here.