I hear you

If you missed the first email in this series, check it out here.

"One of the most sincere forms of respect
is actually listening to what another has to say."
- Bryant McGill

Warning! Teaching your kids to say “No, thank you,” is not a quick-fix technique. Eventually, it will be, but there’s nothing magical about it at first. In fact, it may seem like a little bit of a letdown. Don’t worry. Stay the course. It will become clear soon enough.

Let’s peel one layer off the onion.

When we teach our kids to say, “No, thank you,” when someone does something to them that they don’t like, we give their psyche, their self-esteem, their character, and their self-control some important messages. The first message is:

“I have a voice.”

One of the reasons why children misbehave is to regain control of a situation. The need for control is actually a basic human need. A child’s brain says, “I need to feel self-control in a situation. And when I cannot have that, I’ll look to control the situation itself.” Tantrums. Manipulation. Whining. All sorts of outbursts, meltdowns, and unpleasantness can stem from this.

I remember hearing a story about a fenceless playground surrounded by busy streets on every side. Children could be seen playing, but they huddled in the center of the park. After a fence was put up around the perimeter, children played right up to the fence. Security gave the children subconscious permission to relax and play. 1

“No, thank you,” lets a child express his or her voice in a positive way about how they expect to be treated. When we teach our children to say this instead of throwing a fit, we give them a chance to step back a bit from the situation instead of having a knee-jerk negative reaction.

And it becomes even more powerful for their emotions when it’s enforced in the home. “No, thank you,” is one of the strongest statements you’ll hear in our house. It’s a hard no.

In some cases, "No, thank you," allows a child the freedom to express their preferences, even when there is no intentional disrespect taking place. Carly, our youngest child, would often ask me to tickle her (to this day I cannot understand this), but there were times when I would tickle her and she’d say, "No, thank you." Knowing she had the freedom and power to get me to stop at any time, gave her a sense of security and self-control that was completely unconscious to her, but existed, nonetheless.

If it’s a family rule. It applies to everyone in the family. WE ALWAYS stop when one of our kids says, “No, thank you.”

Your kids won’t understand these principles when they’re being trained to say, “No, thank you.” But years down the road, you’ll see how it will have shaped their character and self-confidence.

Once, we had a situation where one of our young kids helped a friend of theirs stop a child molester in his tracks. I’ll share about this in the next article in this series.

Questions?  Comments?  Let us know.

For the next installment in the “No, thank you” series, click here. If you missed the first email in the series, check it out here.