What does it mean to thank someone? In many Western cultures, thanking is often understood as something we say or write: a heartfelt note, a text message, or a card. But in many cultures around the world, words are not enough. Actions are what count.
That difference matters when considering the research on gratitude expressions. A growing body of research suggests that thanking others can benefit the people doing the thanking (Algoe & Chandler, 2024; Kirca et al., 2023). It can deepen relationships, elicit positive responses from others, remind us why we felt grateful in the first place, and support our well-being.
But there’s a limitation in this research: most studies have focused on what people say, not what they do.
To address this gap, my colleagues Madalyn Cauble, Don Davis, Alexis Pandelios, Jonah Li, Nayoung Cho, and I explored whether different forms of thanking others might matter in different ways.
In a recent article published in the May 2026 issue of The Journal of Positive Psychology (Wong et al., 2026), we examined two broad ways people thank others: verbal and behavioral. Verbal expressions include saying “thank you” or writing a note. Behavioral expressions include buying gifts, reciprocating, or performing acts of service for one’s benefactor. We then developed a scale to distinguish between these two forms of gratitude expression.
To understand whether different expressions of gratitude belonged together or reflected distinct patterns, we used a statistical approach called factor analysis. Think of factor analysis as a way of sorting the items in a messy drawer. If you empty the drawer, you might discover that the contents fall into different piles: pens over here, receipts over there, keys somewhere else. Factor analysis does something similar with survey responses. It helps researchers see whether certain responses naturally group together.
Across two samples of U.S. adults, including one racially diverse college student sample, we found that verbal and behavioral expressions of gratitude were not from the same pile. People who often expressed gratitude verbally were also somewhat more likely to express it behaviorally. But some people leaned more heavily on words, while others expressed thanks more through their actions.
This distinction matters because it shows that gratitude is not only about whether someone feels thankful. It is also about how that thankfulness gets expressed.
We also tested whether both forms of thanking were linked to positive outcomes for the people doing the thanking, including psychological well-being, social connectedness, and communal strength (the motivation to respond to the needs of one’s best friend). At first, both verbal and behavioral expressions of gratitude were positively related to these outcomes. Sounds good, right?
But here’s the kicker. We used a statistical technique called multiple regression, which allowed us to look at verbal and behavioral gratitude side by side. Because these two forms of gratitude are related, this method helped us ask a more precise question: Which form of gratitude is uniquely linked to well-being and relationships when the other form is taken into account?
The results were striking. Behavioral expressions of thanks, such as helping and reciprocating, were still positively linked to psychological well-being, social connectedness, and communal strength. Verbal expressions of thanks, however, were no longer linked to these outcomes once behavioral gratitude was taken into account.
Why might behavioral gratitude be more strongly linked to these benefits? One possibility is that actions often require more effort and thoughtfulness than words. Deciding what gift to buy, figuring out how to help, or taking time to reciprocate requires attention, planning, and care. These actions deepen our commitment to the relationship.
Behavioral expressions also signal appreciation in especially tangible ways. When someone sees that we go out of our way to thank them, they may feel more valued. That, in turn, may create a positive feedback loop: gratitude strengthens the relationship, and the strengthened relationship supports our well-being.
The moral of the story isn’t that we should stop saying “thank you.” Words matter.
Still, it is worth asking: Have we overlooked behavioral gratitude by focusing mostly on verbal thanks? If so, we may be missing part of gratitude’s power to transform our relationships.
Meaningful behavioral gratitude requires careful observation. One mistake I have made is giving or doing for others what I would personally like to receive. But what I like may not be what my benefactor finds meaningful.
So the goal is to tailor our actions to the person we’re thanking. Here are seven guidelines to consider:
Focus on what would actually feel meaningful to this person. Not what you personally like. Do they appreciate practical help, thoughtful gifts, acts of service, or simply having someone follow through?
Pay attention to what they mention. Have they mentioned their favorite color, hobby, or need?
Ask questions. If you can’t figure out what your benefactor likes or needs, it’s always ok to ask, “What’s your favorite restaurant?”
Reciprocity is not imitation. If someone cooked for you, you do not necessarily need to cook for them. Behavioral gratitude is not a mirror; it is a translation. Translate your appreciation into a form they would actually appreciate.
Follow through. A promised gesture that never happens can cheapen gratitude. If you say, “I’d love to take you out for lunch,” make sure you actually do it. Reliability is one of the most underrated forms of thanks.
Choose personalization over spectacle. Gratitude doesn’t have to mean buying the most expensive gift or making a grand gesture. Whenever possible, buy, make, or do something tailored to your benefactor. For example, you might give them a mug engraved with their name.
Pair behavior with words. The strongest expression may be both: tell the person what their action meant to you and show them through what you do.
I’ll end on an important note. Our research focused on the benefits of thanking others for the people doing the thanking. But feeling good about ourselves should never be our primary motivation for thanking others. Gratitude expressions are primarily about doing good: blessing our benefactors, showing that they matter to us, and ensuring they feel valued.
Thanking is really more about others than about ourselves. But here’s the twist—when we shift our attention from self to others, when we worry less about our feelings and more about valuing others, when we focus on what we can give rather than what we can get, we may also receive gratitude’s quietest gifts: a deeper sense of connection, meaning, and well-being.
This is the first article in a mini-series on gratitude practices. If this post resonated with you, you might also enjoy my Psychology Today blog newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.
References
Algoe, S. B., & Chandler, K. R. (2024). Experienced gratitude is a catalyst for upward spirals of perceived partner responsiveness. Current Opinion in Psychology, 55, 101764. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101764
Kirca, A., Malouff, J. M., & Meynadier, J. (2023). The effect of expressed gratitude interventions on psychological wellbeing: A meta-analysis of randomised controlled studies. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 8(1), 63–86. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-023-00086-6
Wong, Y. J., Cauble, M. R., Davis, D. E., Pandelios, A. L., Li, P. F. J., & Cho, N. (2026). Words and action: assessing interpersonal expressions of gratitude. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 21(3), 500–516. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2025.2502487
If this article resonated with you, you may also enjoy my Psychology Today blog Gratefully.
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