How to stop falling for commitment-phobes

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When I take on a new client in my relationship coaching practice, I ask them a few questions about their dating and relationship patterns, including, ‘do you have a habit of falling for people who won’t commit?’

I ask this question because this pattern is pervasive in the women (and some of the men) who come to work with me, perhaps because they know some of my story and are drawn to the fact that I had this challenge too, and ultimately overcame it to marry at 48.

The answer they give to the question, more often than not, is ‘Yes’.

My clients have fallen for people who were attached to someone else, who lived on a different continent, who were addicted to alcohol, drugs or food, who were wedded to their work, who kept them at arm’s length, who refused to talk about their feelings and who displayed the traits I highlighted in my last article:

I get it. I did the same, over and over again.

Falling for emotionally unavailable types, avoidant people or commitment-phobes is a hard habit to break, but we can find the courage to flex our self-worth muscles, heal our wounds and step away, making space for someone who is ready to commit.

The key to walking away from a commitment-phobe is awareness, awareness of the classic traits, yes, but also awareness of our vulnerabilities and our wounds; awareness of how our past relationship experiences have created a faulty template for our present-day experiences; awareness of our triggers and self-sabotaging behaviours.

Here are four suggestions that will help you to avoid falling for commitment-phobes, based on my extensive experience of doing so and on everything I’ve learned through coaching women and men to transform their dating patterns, meet emotionally available people and find healthy love.

Dating with a craving is like going grocery shopping when you’re starving. You’ll put anything in your basket. You won’t be discerning.

Imagine roaming the supermarket when you haven’t eaten all day, piling junk food into your basket; crisps, chocolate and ready-meals that wink at you from the shelves, often wrapped in attractive packaging; food that catches your eye but has no nutritional value and can even cause harm.

Emotional hunger makes a bag of salted peanuts, a box of chocolates or a frozen dinner look like a gourmet meal.

What do I mean by a craving or emotional hunger?

I mean a deep longing for love, affection, connection, attention, validation, touch and so forth.

These are all natural human desires, needs that can be met in a relationship, but if these needs are screaming at us (and the other person) when we go dating, we’ll look for love in all the wrong places. We’ll ignore our common sense and dismiss our intuition. We’ll accept whatever goes.

This is how we end up with a commitment-phobe or with people who cannot meet our needs.

First, before you go dating, check in with yourself. Are your normal human needs for love, affection, connection, attention, validation, touch and so forth met to a reasonable degree, or are they jumping up and down, shouting at you, trying to get your attention?

If the latter is true, it’s time to turn down the volume on these deep unmet needs by meeting them yourself as much as possible and by asking safe, trusted people to meet your needs in healthy ways rather than total strangers.

You don’t have to be perfect, far from it, but it’s wise to calm the craving.

Starting with the inner work, do your best to affirm and validate yourself, your feelings and your actions. Praise yourself, be a loving parent to yourself, be kind, gentle and compassionate towards yourself, see and hear yourself in the same way you wish you’d been seen and heard as a child or in earlier relationships.

You can also reach out to friends and trusted people for connection, for healthy touch (massage or hugs) and for affection.

Finally, make sure your life is reasonably full so that dating doesn’t become your primary focus and maintain all your hobbies, interests and social groups as you get to know someone. Notice if you jump when they say jump, if you go on a date when they suggest a date, at the same time cancelling all your plans.

If you lay this groundwork first, you’ll be able to date with discernment and choose the right person for you, rather than waiting to be chosen.

The first chapters of my book, How to Fall in Love, go into this in greater depth.

The descent into a relationship with an avoidant or emotionally unavailable person starts at the top of a slippery slope.

They may say something or do something that suggests they aren’t interested or ready for a committed relationship but you ignore it, perhaps because you are dating with a craving and you really want this to work out, perhaps because they are gorgeous, your hormones have kicked in and you can’t see beyond their looks and the prospect of some physical touch.

You give them the benefit of the doubt, you let them off the hook, you make yourself wrong (I’m too picky or needy or sensitive), you don’t speak up.

That’s when the slide begins.

Slippery slopes are unforgiving. It’s hard to stop sliding once the momentum picks up.

Stand at the top of the hill and take a look at the view, with your eyes wide open and armed with the awareness I talk about above.

Dig your heels into the snow, hold firm, calm your nervous system and tune in to your truth. Do you feel uncomfortable or uneasy about something?

Speak up when a comment or behaviour doesn’t feel right. Ask a clarifying question if something is unclear. Call out inconsistencies. Set a boundary and see how the other person reacts. Pose the awkward questions: ‘What are you looking for in your life right now? What kind of relationship would you like?’

I asked these questions once in the early stages of a relationship and, after stringing me along for a while, the guy confessed that he wasn’t looking for commitment. Boy, did that hurt and boy, was it hard to call it a day. But saying goodbye to him meant I could say hello to a new man, who is now my husband. (Again, you can read more about this episode in How to Fall in Love).

Finally, notice if you are giving someone the benefit of the doubt while making yourself wrong and try doing the opposite. How does that fit? What if your intuition is spot on and they are actually messing you around? How about that for a possibility?

I smile as I write this because I fell for someone’s potential so many times rather than making a choice rooted in reality.

This person is clearly commitment-phobic now but that can change or I can change them, I’d think.

This is a powerful and compelling narrative - I can take the unavailable type and turn them into an emotionally available person. I can make the avoidant person love me. I can persuade the guy who always leaves to stay.

This is especially powerful if we were wounded in our early life relationships, as I was. I couldn’t make my dad love me in the way I needed him to love me, I couldn’t reach him emotionally and I couldn’t make him stay.

But if I can do that with this guy I’m dating, I can rewrite my childhood story and give it a happy ending.

This is hopium (the Class A drug version of hope). It’s addictive. It takes us away from reality and into fantasy land. It blinds us to the truth and silences our intuitive voice.

We put down the drug of hopium by rooting ourselves in reality and by getting support from people who are also rooted in reality and who are willing to keep us grounded rather than fan our fantasies (I support my clients with this).

If we find someone attractive, we will want to see the best in them and we will want the relationship to work out, especially if we are dating and relating with a craving. But the question to ask is, ‘Am I in fantasy or in reality? Am I falling for the real person or the person I hope he could be?’

When we over-share in the early stages of a relationship - open our hearts wide, reveal our innermost secrets and expose our deepest wounds - we are at risk of forming a false attachment that isn’t based on anything real.

The other person may do the same and the shared intensity creates a powerful chemical high. We are two passionate people. We have shared trauma or dysfunction. We are soulmates, made for each other. We get each other. We see each other in a way that others haven’t before. This Hollywood-style intensity means this relationship has to be the real thing, right?

More often than not, wrong.

This type of intense attraction makes us vulnerable to overlooking the red flags, the obvious signs of commitment-phobia. We are so high on the emotion that we lose touch with reality.

Commitment-phobes love this kind of instant intensity because they struggle with true intimacy. The problem is, when things get too real, they step back and run a mile, leaving us with a huge emotional hangover, wondering what just happened.

It’s a tricky balance. We need to walk the fine line between being open and not over-sharing. We need to strike the right balance: light vulnerability with appropriate boundaries that protect our precious hearts.

There are no shortcuts to deep connection - true intimacy is built over time, in stages, incrementally, through many moments of trust.

We are human, yes. We want to feel a spark. That’s entirely normal. Good chemistry bonds people together. That’s biology. Only the wrong sort of chemistry will light a fire but the relationship will soon crash and burn. I’ll write more on healthy versus unhealthy chemistry another day because that’s another hot topic.

Remember, we can’t change the dating landscape but we can change how we show up in it and if we show up with self-awareness, self-knowledge and self-respect, we will reap the rewards. My mission is to support you to do that.

There’s another piece to the puzzle that will help us to understand our romantic relationship patterns and our attraction to commitment-phobes and I’ll explore that in my next piece in this series so please stay tuned.

In the meantime, the articles below will shed some more light on this topic.

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