How to spot a commitment-phobe

How do we spot a commitment-phobe?

I could begin this article by saying that it takes one to know one because that has been my experience, but I’ll come to that crucial point later.

Before that, I want to explore the signs of commitment-phobia so that you know what to look out for and whom to avoid.

Firstly, though, a note about context.

I felt prompted to write on this topic following a report from the Centre for Social Justice, a UK think-tank, that concluded that more than 600,000 would-be mothers would ‘miss out’ on motherhood (their words) in coming years, partly because of men’s immaturity and late development.

The report actually cited a number of reasons for falling birth rates, from financial stresses to career uncertainty to later marriage, but the British press unsurprisingly highlighted men’s ‘delayed adulthood’ as the main offender (news journalists don’t like nuance).

The think-tank also highlighted the ‘relationship recession’ that is a natural precursor of lower birth rates, as identified in the Financial Times and The Economist.

The decline in relationships is partly down to people choosing to be single and enjoying their singleness and I celebrate anyone who has made that choice (as I did for a while) but the FT also pointed to a rise in loneliness and ‘dating frustrations’.

Ah yes, dating frustrations.

You may be familiar with those, and that’s what I’d like to address here, drawing on my own uncanny ability to pick out the commitment-phobe in a crowded room of men and on the experiences of many of my coaching clients, mostly women over 40, who’ve had their fair share of encounters with men who won’t commit, men who fit the ‘delayed adulthood’ or late developer criteria. (As an aside, commitment-phobia isn’t confined to men, of course. Women and people can be commitment-phobes too, as I was - I’ll come to that in my next post).

I’ll also draw on everything I learned on my journey of awakening that eventually brought me to a healthy relationship in my 40s and marriage at 48 and on the success stories of clients who learned to walk away from time wasters and find healthy relationships, some of which resulted in babies.

So, here are some of the hallmarks of a commitment-phobe:

Commitment-phobes are flaky, hard to pin down. They avoid naming a time and place to meet, they change plans, they keep you waiting or they don’t show up at all, coming up with an excuse.

As you’re left dangling at the end of a WhatsApp message, waiting for them to suggest a meeting point, you wonder if you’re putting too much pressure on them or coming on too strong.

The answer, of course, is no.

Maybe you suggest the time and place - there are no rules - but start questioning yourself when you have to do so again and again.

Perhaps, at first, you find their scattered behaviour endearing. They’re spontaneous, a free spirit. You give them the benefit of the doubt.

Until they stand you up or change plans for the third time.

Commitment-phobes sidestep meaningful conversations and avoid defining the relationship, shunning labels like ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’ or ‘partner’, preferring to ‘go with the flow’ and ‘see where it goes’.

They’re reluctant to introduce you to their friends or family, preferring to keep things ‘separate’, perhaps ‘for the time being’.

Eventually, they might declare, ‘I’m not sure what I’m looking for’, or ‘I don’t think I can give you what you need’, or the old favourite, ‘It’s not you. It’s me.’

People who don’t want to commit may tantalise you with promises of future trips or a family when the time is right but they’re reluctant to nail down plans for dinner next week.

Commitment-phobes tend to have a chequered relationship history. They’ll have flitted from one dalliance to the next, with no long-term relationships in their past.

Commitment-phobes often build up a false sense of intensity at the start of a relationship, hooking us in. Call it love bombing or something else, we feel connected instantly, attached before we know much about them. Once the attachment is formed, they may pull back, or the drama and intensity may mask an inability to be truly open and vulnerable.

Those who avoid commitment in relationships avoid it elsewhere too. They don’t like contracts or being tied down. They prefer to pay-as-they-go.

The above are generalisations and there are plenty of caveats - not every person who displays the above signs deserves to be dismissed.

My now husband, for example, wasn’t the ‘marrying type’, in his own words and the words of his friends, but a few years into our relationship, he proposed.

He didn’t like to take out contracts with utility providers either, but he had been in long-term relationships in the past.

I also have clients who’ve had few or no relationships but they are on a journey of transformation, learning, healing, understanding their blocks and becoming willing to do things differently. It would be wrong to dismiss these people, who are courageously looking at their stuff, because they haven’t had many relationships in the past.

This is why dating can be so tricky - some people deserve the benefit of the doubt while others do not.

If we can’t always spot the signs out there, we can spot the signs in here, inside ourselves.

We can notice how we feel, tune in to the tap on the shoulder or the uneasy feeling in our gut, whilst also being conscious that what feels like our intuition may be our fear and vice versa (see my book, How to Fall in Love, to dive deeper into this).

When dating a commitment-phobe, you feel on shaky ground, like the sands are shifting beneath you.

Where do I stand? What kind of relationship is this? Where is it going? Are we meeting tomorrow, next week or next month?

You may feel unsure of yourself, doubt yourself, question whether you’re being too demanding, too much, coming on too strong, as mentioned above.

You may feel lonely in the relationship, like you can’t quite reach the other person, can’t quite connect. Again, you might question yourself - I must be too needy. Maybe I’m expecting too much.

You may feel jealous or insecure, and there may be good reason for that.

I have a lot more to say on commitment-phobia, including revisiting the point I made at the start, that it takes one to know one.

Understanding this is the secret to dating mastery and relationship breakthroughs.

We can’t change the dating landscape, however frustrating that is, and we can’t change others but we can change ourselves.

In my next articles, I’ll explore how to flush out a commitment-phobe and have the courage to walk away, why we keep falling for avoidant types and how to stop doing this so that we can open our hearts to the people who want to stay.

Until next week.

From midlife with love 🩷

Katherine x

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