Matriarchal motherhood is not feminine or masculine. It’s both.

Since starting this Substack, my intention has always been to clarify what matriarchy really means. Because when we understand the true meaning and how a matriarchal society could realistically manifest, patriarchy loses its most powerful control mechanism.

This control lies in convincing us that patriarchy is universal, that human beings are destined to dominate each other, and that a matriarchal society could never exist.

Matriarchy is not a society of “women rule”. It is a society of “mother beginning”.

This is not patriarchy with the genders flipped. It’s a completely different cultural and social system with fundamentally different base assumptions and ways of moving through the world.

Heide Göttner-Abendroth, the founder of Matriarchal Studies and a dear mentor, writes in her book Matriarchal Societies of the Past and the Rise of Patriarchy:

"This meaning of archē as start, beginning is seen in terms such as “archetype,” “Noah’s ark,” or “archaeology.” No one would translate “archetype” as “ruler-type,” or “archaeology” as “the study of dominance,” nor does “Noah’s ark” mean anything like “Noah’s rule.” Instead, archaeology clearly means “the teachings of (cultural) origins”; archetype means “an original prototype,” and Noah’s ark, according to the Bible, refers to humanity’s new beginning after the deluge. Therefore, we translate the word “matriarchy” correctly as “in the beginning, the mothers.”1

This definition, “mother beginning,” is exactly how matriarchies manifest. They build economic, political, cultural, and social structures around the idea that every human begins within another, needs intense and prolonged mothering, and that we all come from and will return to the Earth.2

This is fairly intuitive. But what is less well understood, and what I am still learning myself, is the true meaning of “mothering”. Patriarchy and matriarchy both have different definitions and ways of viewing the mother.

In matriarchal societies, the responsibility for mothering is undertaken by the entire community. To mother is an honor, a respected vocation, not limited to biological mothers and certainly not limited to just women.

In one of the largest matriarchal communities in the world, the Minangkabau of West Sumatra, a man is considered a strong leader when he embodies a good mother.

But in our societies, which are majority patriarchal, mothering is a feminine act, relegated to only women. Almost all of the responsibility of mothering falls on biological mothers alone.

The key to understanding matriarchy is to change our perspective on what it means to mother.

Patriarchal culture tells us that being feminine means being:

• soft

• receptive

• passive

• gentle

• nurturing

• caring

• compassionate

And that being masculine means being

• strong

• stoic

• protective

• assertive

• confident

• courageous

• calm

We raise everyone to fit into these two lanes based on their “sex.” In reality, these are all human traits that a truly well-balanced person can combine.

But in our society, we raise anyone labeled female to be feminine, and anyone labeled male to be masculine. This makes it all look natural.

As someone socialized as a woman, especially in highly patriarchal Azerbaijani culture, I was raised to be completely feminine. From a young age, I was praised for doing domestic duties voluntarily and moulded to be polite, agreeable, and pleasing above all.

My family, like most under patriarchy, truly believes that women and men are fundamentally different, and that there is a predetermined script for each. Being a respectable person means complying with these scripts, and there are many more rules for girls than for boys.

As a girl, you are treated as a less important member of society. You are considered less capable, especially of independence. You are taught that safety is found in men: in a husband, primarily, but also in a respectable job in the public sphere. The public sphere, of course, is male-dominated.

You are expected, above all, to self-sacrifice. You must always give anything that is asked of you, regardless of your preferences or needs. You exist to cater to others. You’re considered incapable of expressing masculine traits at all.

As an Azerbaijani, this cultural upbringing had a profound impact on me as a young girl. I was tormented with high anxiety, disordered eating, and zero boundaries in my relationships. I had no idea who I was, living only through others’ definitions of me. I was an unbalanced individual because what our society deems “masculine” was never instilled in me.

This is an extreme example of the fundamental logic that patriarchy operates on all over the world.

Since I decided to practice matriarchy in my life, I have found great joy and alignment in nurturing the more “masculine” traits in me. This has helped me in my daily mothering.

If I had only been what patriarchal society deems feminine, I would have failed at my job. If I were compassionate without boundaries, if I were gentle without being firm, if I were gentle without being protective, I would be burned out, and my daughter would grow up unbalanced. The same would happen for the reverse.

In patriarchal society, the word “mother” is associated with feminine qualities. The core belief of patriarchy is that women are “supposed” to be mothers, and if you don’t have children, you’re not a real woman. That’s precisely how it hands all the labor of sustaining life to women only. It is not considered honorable for a man to be “maternal” because in a patriarchal society, maternal is synonymous with feminine, and feminine is synonymous with less.

But in matriarchal societies, everyone, regardless of gender, is raised to live in balance and wholeness. Everyone, regardless of gender, participates in mothering.

In a matriarchy, motherhood is not just feminine. Mothering is an act that can be undertaken by anyone and everyone. And it is, because the entire society is built around this principle. The responsibility for caring for children is shared among all community members to the point where, in some societies, children have so many mother figures that it’s not important who their birth mother is.

There is no private, domestic sphere where feminine qualities are rewarded and a public sphere where masculine qualities are rewarded.

In our society, men are socialized to succeed in the public sphere, which is masculine-coded. Women are socialized to succeed in the private domestic sphere, which is feminine-coded. Feminist movements so far have been about fighting for women’s place in the public sphere.

But the private sphere, where all the work to create and sustain life actually happens, is still considered inferior. There is no power or external value in doing life-sustaining work.

That’s exactly why I say matriarchy is the next wave of feminism. It’s about rebalancing our society at every level, restoring the power that life-sustaining work deserves.

In a matriarchal society, there is no distinction between the public and private spheres. They are combined. People are not divided into two neat categories destined to do only “masculine” or only “feminine” things. The power in a matriarchy is not siphoned off to whoever can perform masculinity most convincingly. It’s equally distributed among all.

This is what it means to live in a society of mother beginning. Everyone is powerful and respected because everyone is deeply mothered and raised to embody the richness of the mothering they received.

When we say matriarchy is a society based on maternal values, and people assume that means only feminine — soft, passive, gentle — they have misunderstood both matriarchy and motherhood.

Matriarchy is not about becoming what patriarchy told us a mother is. It’s about restoring the balance fractured by patriarchy’s rigid binaries. This allows every person to embody the many qualities that make us human, paving the way for us to create new societies rooted in the balance we have already created within.