Why the people we barely know help us feel connection and belonging (and fulfill needs friends can't)

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💬💬💬 This week’s Community Chat, appropriate to our topic: “Who is an acquaintance you genuinely look forward to seeing? ” CLICK BELOW TO JOIN! 💬💬💬

And now, on to the newsletter!

Hello dear readers!

We all know by now: we’re in a loneliness epidemic. According to the American Psychological Association’s latest Stress in America survey, most adults in the U.S. feel isolated, left out, or lacking companionship. You read that right: most! The ma-jor-i-ty!

There are lots of reasons for this: our culture values independence, people move frequently for work and life changes, and socializing can be tough on your wallet. Add in social media and the lingering effects of the pandemic, and it’s no surprise so many people feel disconnected.

But it’s also because friendship takes time and emotional energy. An oft-cited study out of the University of Kansas approximated that it takes adults 30 hours to form a casual friendship, 50 hours to make a friend, and 140 hours to have a “good friend.”

That’s a lot! Even with an hour of face time a week, you’re looking at a year just to make a friend.

Racking up all those hours can be hard, especially if we’re new in town, overwhelmed with caregiving responsibilities, just lost a chunk of our social life to a breakup, work long hours, or are simply introverted, socially anxious, or our spirit animal is more hermit crab than social butterfly.

Fear not: the first tier in the University of Kansas study took 30 hours, but let’s not sleep on hours zero through thirty! That’s not dead time. In fact, it’s valuable, low-pressure, and can make us feel integrated in our communities. Therefore, today, let’s celebrate acquaintances!

First, who are these people? An acquaintance is the parent you chat with for two minutes at soccer practice pickup. He’s the guy at the gym you call “Big Dog” while spotting his bench press. She’s the woman in your yoga class who always ends up next to you. They’re the neighbor in your apartment building you’ve held the door for a dozen times. He’s the other neighbor whose dog’s name you know, even though you don’t remember his. She’s the colleague from another department at work you share the elevator with at least three times a week.

These people are important. They’re more than just the catchall category between strangers and friends. Indeed, acquaintances fulfill needs that friends can’t.

Here’s why they are so valuable:

Getting recognized at, say, the local dog park or library means you’re a known entity. You’re a part of the social fabric rather than a stranger. In other words, it means you belong.

Acquaintances don’t require disclosure, vulnerability, initiating plans, or emotional labor. Interactions with them are bonuses to your usual routine.

What sociologists call “weak ties” are how we hear about apartments, babysitters, plant sales, or that bedstand on the curbside free for the taking. A neighbor of mine organizes a group maple syrup order from a local producer every spring. It’s the extent of my interaction with her, but I look forward to it every year.

Here’s a nerdy reason: especially for those of us with some social anxiety, familiarity lowers threat perception. The same faces, on repeat, make us feel socially safer.

Connection doesn’t only mean deep, long-lasting friendships. Having acquaintances doesn’t mean you’re doing things wrong, or that you should be working harder to turn these people into friends. Acquaintances fill a legitimate space independent of friends, family, or colleagues.

Friends tend to be like us, whether by age, gender, education, or general life stage. But acquaintances can be anyone and everyone, from the guy in your writing group who keeps bees to the elderly lady across the hall in your building who was actually at Woodstock.

Of course, acquaintances can also be friends-in-waiting. But that’s the beauty of acquaintances: you don’t have to turn any of your acquaintances into friends. You can. But you can also enjoy your acquaintances exactly as they are.

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