What Really Helps When Parenting Feels Overwhelming

When family life feels overwhelming, we may instinctively try to do more. We book another appointment, look for another expert, sign up for another thing that might help.

This makes complete sense – when our children are struggling, or when we feel stretched beyond our capacity, we want to act. We want to be useful and doing something can feel reassuring because it gives us the feeling that we’re being responsive and proactive.

But in my recent Just One Thing for Parents podcast episode with Dr Yael Schonbrun, clinical psychologist, writer and author of Work, Parent, Thrive, she offered a different question for overwhelmed parents: What could I take off my plate?

Watch our conversation on YouTube

Yael explained that there’s interesting science behind our natural instinct to add rather than subtract. As she put it, “we feel more empowered when we’re doing.” When something feels wrong, especially when it involves our children, it can feel much more reassuring to act than to pause. We look for the next thing that might help, because doing more can feel like care.

The difficulty is that more isn’t always what’s needed. Yael spoke about research by Leidy Klotz and colleagues, which found that people often “systematically overlook subtraction as a design choice.” When faced with a problem, we tend to think about what we could add, change, build or include, rather than what we could remove.

This becomes even harder when we’re already overwhelmed. When our cognitive load is high, we’re less likely to notice subtraction as an option at all.

This is such an important idea for parents because family life can become very full, very quickly! There are school demands, friendships, homework, clubs, appointments, family commitments, work pressures and all the invisible thinking that goes into holding a family together.

So, when something feels difficult, it’s understandable that our first thought might be: what else do we need? But sometimes the more helpful question is: what can we let go of?

Subtraction means pausing to ask whether everything currently taking up time, energy and attention is truly serving your child and your family.

Yael described how even asking the question, “What could I take off my plate?” can help us move into a more thoughtful place. It gives the brain a moment to pause rather than react. It creates a little space between the feeling of panic and the next decision. This doesn’t mean we never add support, seek help or commit to something new. Sometimes, that’s exactly what’s needed. But it does mean we give ourselves permission to consider more than one kind of solution.

Yael talked about the importance of values in making these decisions. When parents are clear about what matters most to them, it becomes easier to decide what to keep, what to reduce and what can wait for another stage of family life.

This might mean saying no to an activity that everyone else seems to be doing, or protecting quiet time at the weekend or deciding that something is important, but not right now.

Yael gave the example of birthday parties, which can become a surprisingly big part of family life. For some families, parties are a joy and an important part of connection. For others, they can create stress, expense and pressure that doesn’t really fit with what the family values most. The point isn’t that there’s a right answer, but that families are allowed to ask questions: Does this matter to us? Does this matter to our child? Is this something we want to keep, or is it something we’re doing because we feel we should?

One of the most helpful parts of our conversation was when Yael spoke about how overwhelm doesn’t always come from things we don’t care about. Sometimes our lives are full because they contain a lot of things that matter – work, parenting, friendships matter. Caring for others, creative work, community life, family commitments and personal interests may all matter too.

Yael described how having many roles and responsibilities can be stressful, but it can also be “an indicator of a very full, rich life.” Both things can be true at the same time. That feels important to say, because parents can sometimes feel guilty for finding life hard when some of the things making it hard are things they genuinely love.

The question then becomes less about cutting everything back and more about working out what needs our attention in this particular season. As Yael said, if we say yes to everything, “everything kind of gets washed out” and we may end up showing up half-heartedly to the very things that matter most.

So subtraction isn’t always about removing something forever. It might be about deciding what matters most right now, what can be done differently, and what can wait until there’s more space.

This can be especially helpful because parenting happens in seasons. What your family needs this year may not be what you need next year. What feels impossible now may become possible later on.

Yael put this beautifully when she said, “Life is short, but life is long.” Not everything needs to be done today, this week or this month. Some things may still matter, but they may not belong in this particular moment of family life.

You don’t have to solve the whole future. You can ask what matters now, in this phase, for this child, in this family. That small change can reduce pressure. It can also help parents make choices with more compassion for themselves and their children.

One of the things I loved about this conversation was how subtraction can also be a teaching moment for our teenagers. Children can learn that different families make different choices, that they don’t always have to follow the crowd, and that saying no to something can simply mean making room for something else.

Of course, this isn’t always simple. Sometimes we do want our children to follow through on something they committed to, even when it feels hard. At other times, we may help them step away from something that isn’t right for them.

Yael described this as psychological flexibility: “the ability to persist or to desist depending on the context and your values.” I think that’s such a helpful frame for parenting – sometimes we add, sometimes we stay the course, and sometimes we subtract.

For parents, this can be reassuring – we don’t have to keep adding until we collapse under the weight of it all. We can stop and ask what really matters here.

When family life feels too full, it can be tempting to look for one more thing that might help. But sometimes, the most useful question you can ask yourself is “what could we take away, even just for now?”

This week, try looking at one part of family life that feels heavy or overwhelming and ask yourself whether everything there still needs to stay.