Parenting Through the Unexpected: Trauma, Loss and Uncertainty

What happens inside a parent when their child’s life takes an unexpected turn? Perhaps their baby is born prematurely or unwell. Perhaps their child experiences something traumatic, or a diagnosis arrives, and suddenly the future feels less certain. Sometimes parenting becomes harder, more complex, or more uncertain than anyone had prepared for.

These are the kinds of questions we explored in my recent long-form special of Just One Thing for Parents. I was joined by two exceptional clinical psychologists. Dr Rebecca Chilvers works in neonatal and perinatal care, supporting families whose babies are born unexpectedly early or unwell. Dr David Trickey specialises in trauma, working with children, young people and families who are trying to adapt after overwhelming and life-changing experiences.

Although Rebecca and David work in different areas, both spend their professional lives alongside families at moments when life has not gone according to plan. They support parents who are trying to make sense of uncertainty, loss, guilt, fear, grief and change.

When something exceptional happens to a child, the focus quite understandably turns towards them: their needs, their care, their recovery, their future.

But parents are also having an experience. They’re also trying to adapt and understand what has happened, what it means, and how to keep going when family life changes dramatically.

Watch our conversation on YouTube

In the episode, I shared Andrew Solomon’s idea from Far From the Tree: that parenthood does not give us another version of ourselves. It brings us into relationship with a new person, someone we have to get to know.

In one sense, this is true for every parent, but when something exceptional happens, the gap between the child or family life we imagined and the reality in front of us can feel much more painful.

Before we have children, we carry stories. We may not even know we have them. We might not have consciously pictured the exact child we expected, or the exact life we imagined. But most parents hold hopes, assumptions and expectations about what family life will be like. Then something happens that interrupts the story.