One Session Turned Her Marriage Around

For over 30 years, I’ve been like a movie director working behind the camera to make my clients the star of their own movie. I am somewhat apprehensive about stepping out from behind the camera and being the star of my own movie. I admit that I’m not good at being in the spotlight, but I’m working on it.

I am a psychologist, writer/author and want very much to share my experience with a wider audience, as well as make my latest book available through Substack. My goal is to widen my reach so I can help more people help themselves.

I welcome any feedback you have, so please reach out to me with your personal experiences and questions. I would love to hear from you!

—Dr. Bea

Personal Story:

A woman came for help with her family. “My 15-year-old daughter from my first marriage is trying to break up my second marriage.” She stated that she was reluctant to see a therapist, but her distress was so intense, she reached out for some help. She felt stuck. When we started conversing, I could see her emotional pain. She acknowledged her marriage was troubled. I intuited that she was used to feeling in charge of the family but now was feeling out of control.

Since it was her first session, I asked her to put aside her issue with her daughter for the moment and tell me about her marriage. I also asked her to change her seat. She readily complied. I explained that I wanted to get a clear idea of the quality of her marriage. So, I said to her, “While you’re sitting in this place, I want you to talk about all the problems in the marriage—only the problems. Then, when you’re finished, we will explore the good things in your marriage. She started to list a couple of complaints, and then she countered them with something good about her husband. I interrupted her and said I only want to hear the bad parts now. Then she would list a couple more complaints and say the same thing about his good qualities. I reminded her that we will do the good parts next.

It did not take long for her to get to the end of her complaints. I asked her to shift to a different place in my office. When she had settled into her new place, I asked her to talk about the positives in her marriage. She started to talk about them, and then suddenly she burst into tears. While sobbing, she said, “I’m so lonely. I’m so lonely” between sobs. I facilitated her crying fully and deeply. It took about 10 minutes for the crying to subside. She looked drained, and her face looked softer. She said she was surprised at what she had learned about herself. She said, “I didn’t know I was this lonely.”

I invited her to return to where she sat initially. I talked to her briefly about how it seemed to me that something shifted for her when she accessed this buried feeling. In a dazed state, she nodded.

By then, the session was at the end. I brought back the issue she had with her daughter. I said, “You know, I don’t think your daughter is trying to break up your marriage. I think your daughter loves you and feels your pain. She’s fighting for you. She didn’t respond.

I intuitively knew I didn’t need to give her any advice about how to handle her daughter. On that note, she booked a session for next week and left.

The first thing she said (emphatically) was, “I didn’t need to come back this week, but I wanted to tell you what happened.” She looked happier and definitely in control. It seemed like she felt that she was doing me a favour, and she was. I love these sessions when clients share their successes with me. They makes me happy because I’ve helped everyone in her family.

Last week, when I went home after the session, I was in the kitchen when the kids came home from school. I sent them to their rooms to do their homework. At 5:30 p.m., my husband arrived home from work. I met him at the door, and I invited him to come into the living room. As we discussed what I discovered, our voices got louder, and my daughter came out of her room. I turned to her (she demonstrated to me how she pointed her finger at her) and told her, “You go back into your room. I’m handling this!”

“WOW!” was all I said, impressed.

Then my husband and I talked like we have never talked before. I told him that I was upset about how he was not interested in my children. He told me that when we first got together, he tried to be involved with them, but I got upset with him. Because he loved me so much, he pulled back. That was one thing we got cleared up, as well as other things. We’ve been talking a lot, about everything ever since. Looking pleased, she added, “He even came to a parent/teacher conference with me regarding my son.’

Throughout her story, I didn’t say much. I congratulated her on her bravery in coming to therapy and making the changes that she made. I pointed out that it only took one session to make such a significant change in her family which will last a lifetime. I told her I was proud of her.

She said she didn’t need any more therapy, and I concurred. I thanked her for coming back to share her good news with me. She could have written to me and saved the cost of a session. But I know she enjoyed and benefited from the second session. I have not seen or heard from her since.

The quality of the sensations is what makes people tick. When my client was crying fully and deeply, she was able to change the quality of sensations by breathing through the waves of unpleasant sensations until they disappeared. She was able to access and process these sensations, there is nothing left to manage. She felt different with the new sensations, so she thinks and acts differently.

Not every session is a game-changer, but this one certainly was!

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