Beginning the ADHD journey

So I’m in the midst of my ADHD diagnosis question journey. I had to reconstruct in my head how I got to this point, and why I hadn’t done it years ago when I first suspected this might be the case. [I still have major flip-flop doubts about this, and am fully prepared to hear that it’s all in my head…]

It comes down to this. I had to get enough ducks in a row to make it happen. The steps:

• Get healthcare established at the new job

  • create accounts, logins

• Find a General Practitioner

  • call to make an appointment

  • figure out when I could get away for a few hours during the workday

  • fill in medical portal info

  • find out the location of the office

• See them for a full checkup after many years of avoiding doctors beyond the specialists I needed.

  • get labs done: bloodwork, etc.

  • get a referral to a Psychiatrist

  • get referrals for other tests: mammogram, colonoscopy, eye doctor, etc.

• Get the lab results, find out I have high BP and Diabetes T2

• Go back to the doctor for more tests

  • Get on medications to improve my numbers

  • Change whole lifestyle to improve my numbers

• See the Psychiatrist

  • find out she suspects my bipolar disorder diagnosis 25 years ago was an error

    • wonder what was actually happening

    • gaslight self into almost leaving

      • get called out for self-invalidating

      • decide to stay.

  • get a questionnaire to fill out.

  • Make another appointment

  • Give questionnaire to partner, old friend, and take it myself.

• Wait for followup appointment next week.

  • Second guess myself and wonder if it’s all nothing whatsoever.

  • Third guess myself and think maybe getting a better sense of what’s going will be helpful.

  • Gaslight myself into thinking I’m crazy.

Wait. Keep waiting.

So that was a lot of steps to actually get thru to starting this journey. Phone calls, logistics, making the time, actually prioritizing my own needs. It was not easy. It continues to be not easy.

It makes me feel bad about what I didn’t do, which doesn’t help in the present. But I’m trying. Why this on a Substack about Productivity? Well, the crux of my occasional hyperfocus surrounding productivity has stemmed from the how of it all. How does one get things done? How do we self-analyze and beat ourselves up about what we did or didn’t do. How does it not feel like divine retribution when things go badly?

On the flip, can we celebrate when things do get done? or when we’ve rested and are more capable about being genuine and deliberate about our actions?