As predicted...

So as feared and predicted, I haven’t written in a while. I have a few entries written here and there, started and stuttered, waiting in the wings.

I’ve opened a show and one of my students opened a show, and I’m about to go into technical rehearsals again for an opera in DC**, so it’s been super busy to say the least. I did buy one more productivity book last month, and honestly I should probably write some book reviews of all of these titles… I should also probably read some more straight up fiction too to round out the info-gathering.

On a more personal level, I’ve also spent a lot of time at the doctor lately. Surprise surprise, I got a one-two punch of diabetes T2 and high blood pressure diagnosis. I’ve known about the increasing BP for a bit, and chalked it up to my relatively stressful life. But here I am now, on a meds cocktail of literal ups and downs and it’s been a lot to internalize. I share it with you here in hopes that it will help me begin to come to terms with the past month.

So this isn’t a post about productivity so much as a series of thoughts on what we think productivity LOOKS LIKE.

I don’t have the luxury of “locking in” to spend hours of uninterrupted time to work while others take care of my care and feeding. I have check ins and student drop ins (which honestly are sometimes the best part of my job); I have a partner who works, cats that get into everything, and the attention span of a squirrel. I consider myself fortunate if I get a 45 minute span of steady workflow going.

So while I understand that work time can wax and wane, “society” (many thoughts of how this is defined for a later post) seems to present that we must be actively making something, making money, hacking that thing, doing all the things all at once to be SUCCESSFUL.

I am extremely susceptible to this.

I always wanted to be the best. Praise felt good and was a reward in itself. I didn’t need trophies or prizes, but I also didn’t say no to them. I worked hard for the accolades and I had a work ethic that was also mentioned in teacher reports and reflected in my grades.

Fast forward to adulthood—the reward system of good grades and certificates is gone. No more dopamine from external sources. So I had to find ways to poke the brain. Still looking, really. It feels so good to finish tasks and check things off, but I know that I can’t really task my way though life. It’s exhausting.

Thus I come back around to questioning why I think that being productive and reading and writing about being productive/or not is good for me. Some more random unedited thoughts to get down for more interrogation later.

• Resting is productive. It’s not just about resting to be more productive later.

• Tasks are active versus passive. To schedule and complete a task meant that some action (hopefully forward facing) took place.

• Creating a task like “think about X” is active, even if my body isn’t moving.

• Thinking is active. Processing thoughts requires rest to be effective.

• Brain in overdrive is a real battle. I am currently trying to process though five overlapping thoughts at once, but writing one thought down here is helping me to focus some of that energy.

Gotta run to the next thing on the calendar.

**sketch for Ottavia, part of the design for Poppea at IN Series, Washington DC.