When the Body Says No

Last week I made familiar rounds to help my elderly Mom with tasks where she’s requested my help. It takes five hours to drive there. Thus, I’ve been feeling a pull to decrease the frequency of visits.

Guilt arose immediately every time I considered this. It will require lining up some other types of support. There were applications I needed to fill out to do this. I’d been intending to do this since last October. But tasks without deadlines tend to elude me.

This time though, my body didn’t give me the choice to do the cleaning chores myself. Last Thursday morning, pain shot through my left leg as I took my first step oft the day. Uh-oh.

WHAT? IS? THIS?

I’d been given an opportunity to experience my physical limitations. Without this cue, I would have looked around the mess, and started working on it.

I suddenly grasped how I’d been pushing myself, feeling more responsible than necessary for this work. The pain required me to stop the madness of over-activity, and to apply for the caregiving support I’d been putting off.

Sometimes our bodies tell us we must be more strategic.

My relief at not being “responsible” for housecleaning dissipated. The pain persisted, so I tried to rest physcially. This week I gratefully visited my nurse practitioner, and got a wonderful referral to physical therapy. I feel like I’m mending, not only the pain, but my tendency to overgive.

This recent episode got me to reflect on what I learned years ago from Gabor Mate’s book “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress”. (There are several editions with different subtitles, and I’m citing the one from my personal Audible library.)

Stress isn’t necesarily bad for us. Kelly McGonigals’ memorable Ted Talk helps reframe how we think about this. Sometimes our nervous system response is a necessary part of preparation for a new challenge ahead.

An oscillation between stress and relaxation, like the contraction and release of each of our muscles each day, is required for our balance and health.

Chronic stress, not so much.

The tricky thing is that our experiences are quite subjective. How we perceive a particular event might be exciting for me and stressful for you. Back in my college days, I had a hankering to try skydiving. Did it frighten me? You bet! I still made a couple of tandem dives back in 1996, and it was exhilarating.

Seven years ago I decided to leave a manager role in the medical device field, after about 11 years working for one company. Some parts of that job were a great fit. I enjoyed investing in my team’s professional development goals. This led me to coaching, eventually.

I kept having a nagging feeling that something else was calling me. One evening, after three long days of meetings with my team in Miami, a big message broke through. After focusing on our new mantra “no new projects without new resources” my director annouced a new addition to our project portfolio.

My body protested in anger. My words came out clumsily. I objected and pointed out the contradiction. “We’ll talk about it later,” my boss said to placate my concern.

Three weeks later, an appendicitis and emergency surgery took me down.

After I was conscious again, I didn’t grasp the nature of the recovery when the surgeon asked if I would need a note for work. “Can’t I just work from home?” I pleaded. It had been years since I had taken more than one or two unexpected days off when I was sick.

She looked at me sternly and said, “You’re going to be on some very strong pain meds. You won’t be making good decisions. No.”

Well then. Please write me a note.

While lying on the couch that week, not even able to pick up a gallon of milk without help, I read Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s memoir. Several other books that found their way into my non-napping time, but that one stands out. Perhaps reading a brave woman’s journey lent me the courage I needed.

At the end of that week, I jokingly asked my husband what surgery I could have next week to get out of work. He looked alarmed, but he finally absorbed the truth I’d been trying to express to him about a career change.

My body wasn’t lying to me. I had only to listen to it without fear.

Within a few weeks, I had signed up with a life coach, and started to plan my exit, which I executed as gracefully as I could 8 months later.

I was recently asked if I had regrets about leaving. I could honestly answer: No. I sometimes miss the people and teams I used to work with. But I’d reached my expiration date there.

My body knew. It was my fearful mind that resisted the change.

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Have you ever had a “loud” body signal that shook you loose from something that you might not have left otherwise?

Are you feeling like you are getting signals you need to leave a situation now? Or that you are being challenged to step up in a new way?

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Registration here

If you’re feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, I invite you to join Patrick Geary✨ and me to Connect with Loving Wisdom next Tuesday, March 11th at 11 am Pacific / 1 pm Central / 2 pm Eastern / 6 pm London / 7 pm Europe. This a free hour-long event to celebrate the one day of the year when the Sun passes over Saturn in the sky. We’ll channel messages of compassion from the ringed planet with friendly conversation, gentle somatic practices, and meditation. We’d love to see you there. Register here to attend live and you’ll also receive the recording to listen to later. 🪐