I Watched RFK's Cooking Show So Y'all Don't Have To

So, I watched the first episode of RFK Jr.’s new cooking show on YouTube so y’all don’t have to. You’re welcome. The show runs about 25 minutes and if you’re expecting wacky roadkill recipes, you’ll be disappointed. God knows, I was. But let’s dig in, anyway. Because, after all, this is Celia Dishes and I do love a cooking show.

The first episode pairs Kennedy with a California chef named Andrew Gruel, which, right away gives me pause. This is like a pilot coming on the intercom and saying “Ladies and gentlemen, from the cockpit, welcome aboard! I’m Captain Fierycrash…”

But, yeah, irony aside, Chef Gruel (snicker) seems like an affable enough fellow. He’s extremely sincere unlike RFK Jr., who, like President Donald Jyclospora Trump, routinely tosses out shit that isn’t remotely true.

“During the Biden administration,” Bobby throat-growled, “Froot Loops were at the top of the food pyramid.”

Nope. Although the top is the skinny part so maybe that was a compliment? Doubtful.

Midway through the show, I realize it’s possible Chef Gruel is maybe a tad subversive after all.

Looking directly at RFK Jr., he confessed an “addiction to seed oils” with a sorrow that seemed outsized. I mean it’s not a HEROIN addiction. It’s Wesson. Let’s downsize the drama, shall we?

RFK Jr., who has the cranky demeanor of someone who hasn’t had a decent BM since the Carter administration, is a tough read. He doesn’t even smile when he tells Chef Gruel he locked a bunch of food scientists in a room for 11 months and didn’t let them out until they had revised the food pyramid to his satisfaction.

Totally believable.

“Mommie, where is Daddy? It’s Christmas Day!”

“I know, honey. But Daddy’s weird meat-faced boss has locked him in a room until he agrees that we should all eat more owl.”

After making salmon cakes with an arugula salad with a homemade vinaigrette, Chef Gruel (sorry, still laughing) said making your own dressing is smart for the budget because store brands can cost $9-$11 a bottle.

Somebody please take this fool to an Aldi. Sure, you gotta bring a quarter to get a shopping cart but it’s worth the aggravation. Do any of these people live in the REAL WORLD????

He also made a completely out-of-place reference to being a salmon “junkie.”

At this point, I’m thinking RFK Jr. is catching on. That’s three references to being addicted and one to being a “junkie.” Honestly, I was starting to almost feel sorry for Bobby because it seemed like he was getting punked by his own hand-picked guest star but then I realized RFK Jr.’s antivaxx mission is responsible for 2,318 cases of once-eradicated and potentially deadly measles so far in 2026. So, yeah. Fuck him.

“The Real Food Show” (blech) will pair Kennedy with a different chef every episode, with the goal of producing a meal for four that costs less than $5 per serving. I got no beef (ha!) with that mission but crowing about saving money in tough times may piss off the boss who insists the economy is peachy.

Along about the same time that first episode “dropped” we learned Vice President J.D. (“Just a dick”) Vance has installed a chicken coop in the backyard of the vice president’s residence. How nice. But …

Show of hands. Does anyone remember the Republican outcry back in 2009 when Michelle Obama had the audacity to plant a vegetable garden at the White House?

The Republicans went out of their tiny lil minds lobbing allegations of “Big Brother” telling people what to eat. Conservative assholes argued that her promotion of healthy eating and active lifestyles was a way for big guvmint to replace parents.

I mean it’s not like it is now, where during the Trump administration you can drop off your daughter at elementary school in the morning and she gets gender reassignment surgery during recess and you have a son by the end of the day.

You see how crazy they are???

How I would love for one of these guest chefs to say: “Ya know, Secretary Ricky Bobby, Michelle Obama tried to get us moving and eating healthy food years ago and y’all lost your damn minds. What’s up with that?”

At several points during the show, RFK Jr. mentioned the importance of a healthy “micro biome.” You know what else is important? Vaccinations, you malevolent dumbass.

Chef Gruel’s salmon patty recipe was very similar to my own, but he adds nutritional yeast which seemed to please RFK Jr. So, yeah, we won’t be doing any of that shit.

Here’s my recipe complete with seed oils. Of course you can use real salmon, but I prefer canned for patties. The only brand that’s consistently good is Royal Red. It’s not the cheapest but it’s free of excess skin and those creepy lil vertebrae found in the other brands.

SALMON PATTIES WITH CAPER SAUCE

14.7-ounce can Royal Red salmon

½ cup panko crumbs plus extra for breading

1 large egg, beaten

1-2 chopped green onions (green and white parts)

Salt and Pepper to taste

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons mayonnaise

Mix all ingredients well and form into four patties. Pour about a cup of Panko crumbs on a large piece of foil and press the patties on bottom and sides until fully coated with crumbs.

Fry in enough of the seed-oiliest cooking oil you can find. Just use enough to keep them from sticking. I like to get the patties brown and crispy in a cast iron skillet then let them finish cooking in a 325-degree oven. Total cook time is about 20 minutes. Serve with a spoonful or two of Caper Sauce made by combining 4 tablespoons mayonnaise, 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard and 1 tablespoon drained capers. Dollop onto the top of your crispy salmon cakes for a flavor boost. Delish!