Pop Culture is Communication

When I hear certain songs I immediately think year, place. 7th grade dance. Sophomore year of high school. Senior year of college, spring break. My 25th birthday at McGee's. Our wedding CD. The birthing CD we made when I was pregnant with Jacey. A song I picked for our 2019 conference. Music is how I have categorized my life, the way I pull up a specific age and feeling or a certain version of myself.

Movies work the same way. I can usually remember the theater where I first saw something, where I was living when I rented it, or if I watched it at home on The Movie Channel when I was probably way too young to be seeing it (i.e. The Shining & The Blue Lagoon in 5th grade, Halloween in 6th grade…).

Music and movies map our lives, and whatever we’re working through as a culture usually shows up on screen or on the radio. There was a time when we got so many Vietnam films all at once (Apocalypse Now, Coming Home, Platoon) because we needed to process how and why we ended up in that conflict. We also experienced some of our best singer-songwriters and important rock anthems about the cost of war.

Then we had the early dystopian films (Mad Max, Escape from New York, Blade Runner) alongside punk and anti-establishment music, all of it reflecting a collective anxiety about where things were going. And to ease the anxiety, we turned to rom-coms and boy bands and pop music, looking for something more comfortable and optimistic. Whatever is on the radio or the screen is never just entertainment, it's reflection and processing of our fears and needs.

And that’s exactly how I’ve always experienced movies and music. Sometimes everything felt like warnings and sometimes things felt aspirational and full of hope and possibility. And because I was listening to or watching someone else’s story, I could begin to notice the patterns and potential land mines. Why did she stay? Would I stay? Why did he lash out instead of saying what he meant? Why is she not listening? Why did the marriage fall apart, why couldn’t they just talk to each other? Why did that person burn their whole life down when they could have just changed one thing?

For me, films and lyrics slowed human behavior down enough that I could actually study it. That’s part of why I wanted to be a therapist, because I had been watching and analyzing human behavior my whole life and just needed clinical language and understanding to go with it. In my own practice I use movies and music all the time as a way to open up conversations that might otherwise feel too direct or too exposing. It’s easier to talk about why a character made a destructive choice than to talk about our own, and it creates just enough distance to let people be honest. We do the same thing on the podcast, using pop culture as a way to point to patterns and opportunities for growth without it feeling like a lecture.

Not surprisingly, pop cultures is one of the most important connections to my husband. We love our movie quotes and live music, our trivia games and podcasts about film and television. We love it so much it became part of our career and a way communicating and relating to our kids. It is one of our most reliable ways to connect and laugh but also dive into harder conversations.

I’ve been told more than once that pop culture isn’t an obvious entry point for everyone, that it feels like a lot of effort to keep up with what kids are watching or listening to. But there’s no expectation to stay current with everything, it’s more about being curious and asking what they’re enjoying so they have the opportunity to share.

Pop culture is being marketed at them constantly and shaping the way they see the world whether we're paying attention or not, so it’s an excellent conversation starter. And most people, your kids included, light up when someone asks genuine questions about what they love. So ask questions and listen with an intention to be curious and non-judgmental, and can lead to other important conversations or ideas. For example:

• When our girls were very little and we were in the car, I would do three for you and one for me, where they got to choose three songs, then I got to play one of mine. Partly to give myself a break from children’s music, and also to introduce them to my taste and the songs I loved. They didn’t have to like it, it was more about taking turns and getting to know each other.

• Have your kids make you a playlist of their favorites. Again, this is not for you to critique, it’s to listen and have an open mind, to enjoy, ask questions and appreciate a soundtrack from a different generation. It also gives you something to listen to together in the car or around the house.

• Make playlists for your kids from your own high school/college years. It introduces them to the artists who influenced the artists they love now, and shows them how music has moved and changed over decades. It also gives you an opportunity to share some of your high school/college stories.

• If possible, take them to see their favorite artists. Tickets can be brutally expensive, but concerts tend to become core memories (my first concert was Adam Ant in 7th grade and I remember every part of it). Taylor Swift is our girl and we’ve been seeing her live since the Red tour, and she and the other artists my girls love have become an important part of our family culture.

• Focus on books, movies, theater, and television that are all connected. Wicked started as a novel, became a musical, and then a film. A book your kid loved might be getting adapted into a series or a movie you watched together might lead you to the memoir it was based on. Following one thread flows into another, and suddenly you’re experiencing storytelling in so many different forms. And you may love the book and your kid may like the movie better, and while this is fun to debate, there is no right answer. It just leads to more fun conversation and different ways of experiencing the same story: What did each version give you that the other didn't? What got lost and what got better?

• Even if you don't watch everything together, watch a few things your kids love on your own time so you have some information and perspective. Knowing the characters and worlds they reference in conversation matters, and even the more difficult watches like Euphoria can be worth it because those shows are often doing exactly what I mentioned earlier - reflecting what this generation is feeling and trying to figure out. And if you can't bring yourself to watch, ask them to tell you the plot and the characters and to spoil and share every twist, because who doesn't love to do that (my kids would say I do it too much).

• Play trivia games together from different generations. Our favorite is Mind the Gap because it incorporates every generation, and we also love finding trivia games and trivia challenges on YouTube. Games can also be a way to keep everyone at the table after dinner!

• This can veer into annoying so pick your moments, but it’s worth pointing out the familiarity and evolution of songs when you notice it. Sometimes it’s a direct sample and sometimes it’s just a sound that gets passed down through generations of musicians who admired each other. The opening of One Direction’s “Best Song Ever” sounds just like The Who’s “Baba O’Riley,” but Pete Townshend didn’t mind, pointing out that Randy Bachman from Bachman Turner Overdrive had already told him he copied “Baba O’Riley” for “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” and had named his earlier band The Guess Who after The Who. Same with Olivia Rodrigo’s “brutal” sounding a lot like Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up,” but Costello didn’t mind because he’d taken that sound from Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” (and while writing this I noticed that INXS seemed to borrow from that same Dylan video for their "Mediate" video, it really just keeps going…). But kids will let you know if they’ve had enough of your musical history lessons, and even if you share just a little bit it can lead to great conversations: How do we feel about homage? About admiration? About copying? About how things evolve and build on each other?

• Keep having family movie nights even when your kids are older. We just saw Toy Story 5 in the theater together, and last night we watched Back to the Future to get ready for an upcoming Zen Pop episode. On my birthday I pick a movie to watch and share with the family, and it's one of my favorite annual traditions.

This week on the Zen Pop podcast we had our daughters join us for our very first movie draft. All five of us, ten categories, and a lot of conversation about why each person picked what they picked.

This is a two parter, one dropped Tuesday and one Wednesday, and you can click below to listen. Hear what each of us chose, why certain movies spoke to us, what memories they carry, and what we have learned from them. Pop culture has been a map for our family, and it's fun sharing one of our favorite methods of connection.

p.s. Paid subscribers will receive this week’s Zen Moment podcast in their inbox. If you’re considering upgrading, below is a preview from this week’s show.