"Parents know more than they think they do."

Search “parenting + kids + technology” and you’ll find no shortage of anxious headlines: summer screen time rules, children “trapped” by devices, and a growing wave of concern about AI. For many parents, the sheer volume of advice can feel overwhelming and often contradictory.

That overwhelm is part of a much larger story. In 2024, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, “Parents Under Pressure.” The advisory cited a 2020 Pew Research Center study finding that two-thirds of parents say parenting is harder today than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media among the top reasons.

In our conversations with families at the California Partners Project, we hear this again and again: information is everywhere, but clarity is hard to find. Parents want to make thoughtful decisions about digital life, but they’re often left wondering which research to trust, whose advice to follow, and how to separate real risks from fear-based headlines.

So we turned to one of the most respected voices in the field: Dr. Jacqueline Nesi. A clinical psychologist and professor at Brown University, she is also the author of Techno Sapiens, a Substack that helps parents make sense of the research on technology and kids’ well-being. In this conversation, she spoke with Program Director Jennifer Heifferon about how parents can move beyond panic, why social media and AI call for different parenting approaches, and what families can do to protect connection and well-being in a rapidly changing digital world.

Jennifer Heifferon: For readers who are new to your work, can you tell us how you ended up at the intersection of clinical psychology, adolescent mental health, and technology?

Dr. Jacqueline Nesi: I am a clinical psychologist and a professor at Brown University, and I study the impact of technology on mental health, especially among kids, as well as what parents can do to help.

I first became interested in this topic when I was in college and shortly after college. I used to lead outdoor adventure trips and service trips for high school students. At the beginning of those trips, we would take away their access to technology. At the time, that meant older devices, like flip phones and iPods. But even then, I really noticed the impact that had on the feeling of the trips and on how teens connected with each other.

It got me interested in studying this. At the time, there was very little research on how these technologies impact mental health, so that is what I went on to study.

JH: You are also a parent of three. How has becoming a parent changed how you think about your research, or vice versa?

JN: I may take the “vice versa” first. Because of all the narratives that are out there around screens, I think a lot of parents come into their kids’ use of technology with a lot of fear. They feel overwhelmed, guilty, worried, and unsure how to approach it.

Because of my research, at least so far—and my kids are still young, so there is a lot still to be determined!—I have actually felt a little bit of relief in how I approach screens with my own kids. I know that technology is just one part of the bigger picture of what matters for kids’ development. I also know that a lot of what we hear about how technology impacts kids is overstated, or comes through panic-based headlines and scary statistics. In some ways, that has made me more relaxed about screens and technology.

The counterpoint is that, through my research, I also see the risks. I see where things can go wrong and the more extreme cases where technology can cause harm to mental health. So I am definitely aware and intentional about how I approach these things. But I do try to come in with less fear and guilt than I hear from many other parents.

A lot of my work on Substack and in my writing and speaking is about helping parents gain that same perspective: here is what we actually know from the research; here is what you may want to be concerned about; and here is where things are overstated or not very helpful. I want other parents to have that experience of feeling a little more grounded.

JH: What are you working on right now? What is the central question you are tackling?

JN: One of the questions I am trying to answer is how teens’ beliefs about social media shape how they use it, and then how that use affects them.

In other words, if teens come into their use of social media believing that it is bad for them, bad for their mental health, and that there is nothing they can do about it—that the outcome is a foregone conclusion—my hypothesis is that this may lead them to engage with social media in ways that are more problematic and less healthy. Down the road, that may have implications for their mental health.

I have become really interested in beliefs, in part because I am interested in the messaging around social media. What are kids hearing about these topics from the media, from their parents, from their teachers? And how does that actually play out in their use of these technologies?

There is a lot of research on health behaviors, what makes people engage in healthier behaviors, such as prevention or getting screened for diseases. I am trying to apply some of what we know from that research to social media: thinking about engagement with social media as a health behavior. Can you do it in healthier ways? What kinds of messages do you need to receive in order to feel you have the ability to do that?

JH: I love that, because I can see the downstream impact for parents and families in terms of what parents actually have control over. If parents understand that the way their kids are thinking about technology can impact their outcomes, then that can shape the questions they ask, help them think about their own assumptions, and change the way they talk about technology. I think that can be really powerful.

What have you found in your research that has surprised you, or that does not match the dominant narratives around teens and technology?

JN: Since I’m a clinical psychologist, the outcomes we have often looked at are clinical outcomes, like depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns.

There have been many times when we expected certain aspects of teen social media use, whether the amount of time teens spend on social media or specific things they do online, to be associated with depressive symptoms or other mental health concerns. And they just were not, especially when we looked over time.

That is not to say that associations never exist. There is research showing some longitudinal associations between certain uses of social media and mental health concerns. But in many cases in my own work, I have not found that association.

I think that is partly because earlier in the field, a lot of the work focused on very coarse measures of screen time. For example, asking someone to estimate how much time they spend on social media in a day. Teens are not good at estimating that, and adults are not good at estimating that either.

What we know now is that what is happening on social media is much more important than the amount of time. It also depends on who kids are. Kids are different. Something that affects one child in one way may not affect another child in the same way. Over time, the research on this—and I would like to think my own research, too—has become more nuanced in looking at those questions.

JH: You have written about being skeptical of techno-panic while still taking risks seriously. How do you hold those two things at once as a researcher?

JN: It is really interesting to look back at the cycles of tech panic we have gone through.

“If you look at the thinking and research that happened when different technologies came out—TV, the internet, even radio—the conversations were very similar to what is happening now. Strikingly similar. People raised many of the same concerns: fears about social isolation, addiction, overuse, loss of empathy, and other issues.” — Dr. Jacqueline Nesi

I think it is important to recognize those cycles. There is something about us as people, not just something about the technology, that shapes how we view new technologies. We tend to come in with fears and biases, and that is important to recognize.

At the same time, the takeaway from those cycles is not that there is nothing to worry about. It is not that earlier technologies had no problems, or that the internet was all great and there were zero issues. These technologies were transformative, and there were problems. There are real concerns that need to be addressed.

That is the case now, too. On the one hand, we need to recognize our own patterns in how we approach new tech. On the other hand, that does not mean we give up and say, “It is all fine.” There are real concerns to be aware of. I try to hold both of those things at once!

JH: AI is clearly the new frontier. With AI chatbots and companions, many parents seem increasingly concerned, especially about the interpersonal or emotional uses of AI. Is that something you are thinking about in your work?

JN: Yes, definitely. I am asking the teens I work with questions about AI, particularly mental health-related uses of AI: are they using it for emotional support or for therapy-like conversations?

It is still so early in this area. One thing that has become especially clear to me is that the pace of research tends to be slow. When you account for the research infrastructure, including funding, you might propose a study now, get funding two years from now, and then have findings a couple of years after that.

With AI moving so quickly, it creates an interesting challenge. How do we tackle this in a way that is rigorous and good, while also getting answers as quickly as possible and not being left behind as the technology continues to change?

JH: What would you tell a parent who is starting to notice their child using AI? Should they be thinking about it the same way they think about social media, or is something fundamentally different happening?

JN: There are similarities, but I do think the experience of using AI, at least the way most kids are using AI right now, is different from social media.

Right now, most kids are interacting with AI through chatbots. That may not necessarily be the case in the future as the technologies change, but that is mostly the interface they are using now: ChatGPT, Gemini, and some of the other big ones.

That experience is very different from what they are doing on social media. What we know about social media is that, over time, it has shifted primarily toward consumption. Most of the time spent on social media is spent watching short videos curated for you, with not that much social interaction happening, although of course there can be some.

With AI, it is a very different thing. Most kids are having a back-and-forth conversation with a chatbot. We know the features of any given technology have a major impact on how kids use it and the impact it has on them. So I do think we need to think about AI differently than we think about social media.

In terms of what to tell parents, the number-one thing, which is probably the simplest and least surprising, is to have conversations about it. With any new technology, adults often make assumptions about how technologies are being used based on our own use, what we read, or what we hear. It is important to come into conversations with our kids open, curious, and ready to hear what they have to say. Ask what they are hearing, how their friends are using it, and what they think about it.

I also think using these technologies together with our kids can be powerful. In the case of AI, sitting down with a chatbot together and asking questions can spark important conversations.

JH: If a parent came to you tomorrow and asked for the single most useful thing they could do right now when it comes to technology, what would you tell them?

JN: Take a step back from focusing on the technology itself and instead focus on the whole child and your relationship with them.

That is not necessarily a quick fix for how technology is being used. But one thing we know from the research is that the relationship you have with your child is really important, maybe more important than any particular way they are using technology.

“I would tell parents to do what they can to build that relationship, so their child feels comfortable coming to them and asking questions.” — Dr. Jacqueline Nesi

Related to that, I think we also want to look at the whole child. It is very easy to blame a lot of the issues our kids are dealing with on technology, because technology is the most obvious thing. In some cases, technology is involved, and that is definitely true. But if we can take a step back and ask, “What is underlying this? What is really going on for my child?” and address that first, then come to the technology second—I think that gets us a lot farther than trying to come up with very specific tech-based solutions that may just be band-aids for larger or more complicated things that are going on.

JH: That really resonates with me, because when we talk to parents across California, one of the things I’ve noticed is that even in houses where kids had a smartphone at an early age, or were big video gamers spending hours online every night, families with really open conversations and strong relationships had much less conflict.

The parents were very engaged and knew their child. And they had much less conflict than families where, even if tech use was limited, they didn’t have as strong a relationship. So I think the relationship piece is a tried-and-true parenting truism that really holds.

JN: If you have that relationship, it can also be easier to set boundaries and limits.

“If your child feels respected and feels that you are taking their opinion seriously, they may be more open to the boundaries you put in place.” — Dr. Jacqueline Nesi

I know that’s all very abstract and aspirational, so I will also offer one very tactical thing related to technology: charge phones and devices outside of the bedroom at night! Sleep is so important, and this is a simple step that can make a huge difference for kids and adults.

JH: A lot of parents have so much anxiety and guilt, because they know that they are not modeling the most healthy tech hygiene, whether they are scrolling for a quick break or checking their phone around their kids. What does the evidence say about parental modeling? And how do you navigate that in your own house, especially with young kids who are so attuned to what you are doing?

JN: This is probably one of the most common questions I get from parents: their own phone use around their kids.

From the research, there is evidence that what is called “technoference” can be problematic. Technoference is when technology interferes with your interactions, typically with kids, but it can also be with a friend, partner, or someone else. If technoference is happening all the time, if it is happening regularly and your kids are really feeling that your technology is coming before them, then yes, I do think that can be a problem for your relationship and for what your kids are learning about appropriate technology use.

That said, like many areas of parenting, I think this has reached a place where we have created pretty unrealistic expectations for parents. In the current age we live in, it is impossible to think a parent is never going to be on their phone around their child. It is impossible to think there will never be instances when a parent is distracted by their phone while a child is trying to get their attention. That will happen occasionally, and that is okay.

I do not think parents should beat themselves up about those occasional moments. The research does not support that those occasional moments are going to be a major problem.

What I do think is that this is an opportunity for parents to think about how they want to use their devices and what they want to model. Notice when things do not feel good or feel out of whack. If you feel like you are on your device too much or cannot be present with your kids, then it may be time to make a change. Listen to that feeling. But we also want to avoid feeling intensely guilty about things that are simply part of everyday life.

JH: From my experience, it feels like teens are observing those behaviors, or those distractions, and they might not say something, but it makes them feel a certain way. But then there are toddlers who might say, “Look at me!” Whereas with teens, it’s a little bit more subtle in terms of how it’s potentially shaping or changing your relationship with them.

JN: Yes, and teens, like all of us, are very tuned in to behavior they perceive as hypocritical. If we are telling teens not to be on their devices at certain times of day or around people, we have to be careful about how we are using our own devices.

“It can help to have family-wide expectations or rules around technology use. Where in the house is it okay to have a phone out? What times of day is it okay? Having those expectations can make a difference. And then, of course, everyone has to actually follow them, which is the hard part!” — Dr. Jacqueline Nesi

JH: I find that as a parent, having those house-wide or family-wide expectations or agreements actually makes me feel relieved as a parent, too… family-wide expectations can also feel freeing for parents.

JN: Definitely. We all need to be intentional about setting boundaries for ourselves. The way many of us live now, especially people working remotely, means devices can take over. There is never a time when you have to be away from them, or when you necessarily have to turn them off. It takes intentional work to unplug sometimes.

JH: Beyond your work on beliefs and social media, what questions are you excited to explore over the next one or two years?

JN: One question I am really interested in right now, and am attempting to design studies around, is sycophancy in AI. Most readers probably know this as the tendency of AI to be highly validating and agreeable with users.

I am interested in how that can affect adolescents’ experiences with chatbots, but also how it can affect their relationships outside of chatbots. For example, if a teen is talking to a chatbot about an issue they are having, and the chatbot is very agreeable, very sycophantic, and telling them they are right, does that make the teen less likely to seek support outside the chatbot?

That has pretty major implications for how teens operate in their social worlds.

JH: Any final thoughts you want to leave parents or readers with, especially those who may be feeling overwhelmed?

JN: I would reassure parents that they know more than they think they do! Parents know their children best.

It is useful to look at the research, weigh different things, and listen to the information that is out there. But as a parent, ultimately, you do know what is best for your child. You also know the basics of how to do this, even when the technology is new. I would tell parents to trust themselves.

JH: Thank you so much. I appreciate this conversation and your groundedness in the research.

JN: Thank you so much for having me.

Technology is changing quickly, but the basics of parenting have not: curiosity, trust, connection, and clear boundaries. As Dr. Nesi reminds us, parents do not need to have to have all the answers. We can start by asking better questions.

Here are some questions to help your family move from panic to balance and from conflict to connection:

• What messages about technology is my child hearing from me, their school, the media, or their peers?

• Does this technology seem to help my child connect, create, learn, relax, or express themselves?

• Could we try using an AI tool together and talk about what it gets right, what it gets wrong, and how it responds?

• What is one family-wide agreement we could try this week?

• What do I already know about my child that can guide how we approach technology?

For more trusted information and conversation starters to help your family feel less overwhelmed and more grounded, check out the Tech/Life Balance series—free, bilingual resources from First Partner Jennifer Siebel Newsom and the California Partners Project.

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