That Scene from "Love Actually"

Around this time of year, there is a collective chatter about an iconic holiday movie and that scene.

You know the one.

It’s the scene from Love Actually when Emma Thompson (Karen) retreats to her room to play the Joni Mitchell song, “Both Sides Now,” after learning the necklace she had found in her husband’s pocket he gifted to his mistress. Instead, she receives a CD by Joni ‘to continue her emotional education.’

That scene, for twenty-one years, has been my emotional education. I'm not the only one.

When the movie was released in 2003, I was somewhere in Illinois on the opening weekend. As the plot unfolded, I couldn’t shake the tears. I cried for hours afterward.

That cinematic moment broke something open within me, a feeling I would carry for decades.

It’s the scene.
It's the actress.
It's the song.
It's about knowing. 

First, the actress. Emma Thompson is a master performer, particularly in that moment in her bedroom, as she accepts the harsh reality she’s been betrayed. Her life—and love—split into then and now. She straightens her bed and returns to her family but suppresses her emotions for the sake of her children.

To perform that moment, Emma tapped into the experience of her marriage to Kenneth Branagh ending when he fell for another woman, Helen Bonham Carter. Emma said the affair left her feeling “like broken dishes.”

We’ve all experienced heartbreak in our lives, and Emma portrays that pain for all of us. In an interview, she once said that people still approach her, emotional, about that scene, and she says to them, “You've been through it, haven't you? I can tell.”

We’ve all been in love. We’ve all experienced heartache. In Love Actually, Emma serves it to us on a delicious platter.

She taps into a universal truth of knowing.

Then, there is the song.

Listening to the orchestra version of Joni’s song “Both Sides Now” takes you through all the feels of life. Every word, coupled with her angelic haunt, reveals what it means to love and live.

Last week, I met renowned rock-and-roll photographer Henry Diltz, who captured the Laurel Canyon music scene in the 60s and 70s. I happened to be at a holiday event in the Canyon, and down the street - next to Jim Morrison’s house—Henry was selling photos from his decades of shooting rock stars.

As I was selling books, above me was a photo of Joni Mitchell, taken by Henry. My title, Both Sides of Then, is inspired by Joni's song “Both Sides Now.” My passion and love affair with that song began when I saw Love Actually twenty-one years ago.

My friend selling jewelry beside me said, “You need to get down there right now and get a photo of Joni from Henry. Go.”

I left in a hurry. Ascending a steep stairway, I tripped with excitement.

Once inside, Henry and his assistant were wrapping up their afternoon. I approached, talking as I went and potentially pushing people out of the way.

“Henry, wait, don’t fold up yet. You took photos of Joni. I wrote a book inspired by her song "Both Sides Now,” and handed him my business card with the title of my book on it. “Do you have any more photos of her left?”

He smiled at me, and his assistant began unpacking his things and searching for a photo.

“Here you go. One left,” she said.

Henry smiled, a knowing look. “Ah yes, Joni, this is my favorite photo of her.”

I returned to the house to sell books, careful not to fall down the stairs as I went. I showed my friend the photo I purchased, a different one from the one hanging above me that day.

Shortly afterward, Henry stood before me, holding my memoir. I had two left.

I began to explain in more detail my connection to the song and how I wrote my mother’s story while listening to “Both Sides Now” to embody her existence. The lyrics were her truth—my truth.

Then Henry and I began to sing the song together. Two people who had just met sang from a place of knowing, each of us sharing what the song meant to us.

Henry, an iconic rock-and-roll photographer, and I were experiencing the power of music—the influence one song can have on so many people. We might approach the lyrics differently, but the power is the same.

So why does that heartbreaking moment in Love Actually mean so much to millions?

It’s about knowing.

For each of us, the knowing might be different, but the feelings are the same. We watch Emma Thompson’s heroic composure after the worst kind of deception. As viewers, we experience the range of her emotional experiences: betrayal, commitment, love, and loss.

That cinematic moment is our understandng of love and its twisted marriage to loss.

You cannot know love without also experiencing loss.

That scene in the film also reflects our collective understanding of what it means to be delivered a harsh reality and then suppress our emotions for the sake of others. Emma did it for her children; I assume you have done it for someone you love, too. So many of us have swallowed a painful truth for the sake of “family.”

Well, something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Those are lyrics of knowing.

The moment in Love Acutally is, too.

Three minutes so beautifully acted, coupled with the unforgettable soundtrack, grounds us in our understanding of what it means to be human.

That scene is our emotional education.