"I Fantasized About Getting Hit By A Car": 25 New Mothers Share The PPD Warning Signs They Ignored, But Don't Want Other Moms To

Postpartum depression has been making the rounds in the news recently. As much as we know of postpartum depression, there's very little we actually know about it. Here's some added perspective on the issue: According to the CDC, roughly 1 in 8 new mothers report symptoms of postpartum depression, which is about 12.7% women—affecting upwards of 400,000 mothers a year. A CDC study also found that symptoms don't necessarily appear immediately after birth, but 9-10 months after it. Several women do not report these symptoms, because they are just that tricky and not often talked about in the context of childbirth. These statistics only emphasize what we've been talking about forever: we need to take women's pain seriously.

As I dug deeper into this, I went to Reddit in search of first-person stories to understand the severity of PPD. And I found these Reddit threads—they really put into perspective the enormity of childbirth and how it impacts new mamas. And here I am, sharing it with you to shed some light on it, so we all leave with a little less misinformation and a little more empathy.

Warning: This post contains discussions of self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. Reader discretion is advised.

Responses have been edited for length and clarity.

Here are the stories of 25 moms who figured out that they did, in fact, have postpartum depression:

1. "I was so tired in the first few weeks that I started seeing things “run by” out of the corner of my eye all the time. I also convinced myself that there was something staring at me from one of the pictures in the nursery and I talked to it a couple of times. We came to an understanding that it could stay as long as we were on the same page about childcare and it would help me watch my baby…now I know that I was dangerously close to post partum psychosis."

— QueenSparrow529

2. "I remember waking up bolt upright terrified that I’d fallen asleep in the bed and the baby was tangled in the blankets somewhere. I never once had, but the cold sweats in those split seconds were something else... meanwhile baby's just chilling in his cot."

— Charming_Muffin6023

3. "My mom looked at me and said "Wow. You look horrible. Have you eaten?" And I realized I hadn't eaten in almost three days and had sunk in purple rings under my eyes. She was four months old and I just wasn't doing the basic things to survive."

— mynameisfifield

4. "Anger. Angry at my cats, to the point where them just existing made me angry. Angry at my partner. Constantly snapping at him, bitter and mad that his life didn’t seem to just stop the way mine had. Angry at myself for “ruining my life”. It came to a head one day when I was trying to open a food package and completely lost it. I felt everything that day, anger, depression, suicidal, and I knew I needed help."

— JadeSelket

5. "I had fantasies about getting hit by a car so I would be laid up in a hospital and not have to deal with my family. I ignored that and then the fantasies changed and I kept thinking that if I died it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, I didn’t feel like I had much use to anyone anyway. When I said something along those lines in the form of a joke to my mom she made me call my doctor right away."

— Anonymous

6. "When every time bubs made a noise or even woke up I got so agitated and mad that I turned to my partner and said, "If you do not look after him right now I will hurt him." I knew that wasn't OK and got help the very next day. People were telling me I might have PPD and were checking on me all the time but I ignored them until I realized I had gone over the edge."

— Dramatic-Doughnut-38

7. "I already had depression my entire pregnancy and I have a long history of it as well, so I knew something was wrong when I was irrationally angry all the time but unfortunately I didn’t take myself to the hospital when I realized this. I ended up having suicidal and homicidal thoughts towards myself and my baby, and the last day I had her before I went to the hospital I screamed at her. It makes me sad to type this because she is a great baby and I love her so much, so reliving those times were hard. But a week away at a hospital and getting professional help worked."

"If you think you have PPD get help now, you might not need to go to the hospital but you should seek professional help if you feel miserable and you’re questioning if you have it or not." — garden-in-the-girl

8. "I'm not sure I had depression but definitely some postpartum anxiety. I kept telling my husband I didn't feel like myself. I didn't enjoy anything. I was teaching at the time. I got frustrated at a student and screamed at him. That is unbelievably out of character for me. I honestly have no idea why I did it. I just found myself screaming before I could stop myself. (I apologized to him later). Then one night my toddler wanted me to read a book and kept pushing it on me. I took it and threw it across the room. Again, unbelievably out of character. Never in my life have I thrown something out of anger. Got myself on some anxiety meds and finally feel like myself again."

— sc0721

9. "My son was a year old. Everything made me angry. I cried on my way to work every day for four months. My husband avoided conversations with me because I was mean and short tempered. I didn't want to shower, or do anything. Asking for help was the best thing I ever did."

— venyse1

10. "Couldn't brush my teeth."

— Anonymous

11. "I was disassociating. Just mentally checking out. With baby screaming beside me."

— alephsef

12. "I was cutting garlic and suddenly I saw the pointy end of the blade I was using. I lifted it up to my wrist. I cut the surface of my skin a little, heard my little one's voice cry out. Her cry stopped me. I spent the next two hours talking to a crisis counsellor about suicide. This happened after I had been getting help with my GP and psychologist. But over the Christmas break I paused my treatments, and family stress piled on with my family and the JUST NO-in-laws. It’s been a few months now, I’m getting more regular time with my psychologist. Little one has gone to childcare and we have gone no-contact with the just no in-laws. My mental health has taken such a turn for the good. I still believe angels were watching over me that day when I tried to take my own life. My little one's cry saved me."

— boo-pspps

13. "One night I was staring at the baby monitor with tears running down my face as I looked up what hotel I was going to so that I could kill myself the next day. I didn't want my family burdened with my body when it was all over. I can't remember why I didn't go to be honest. A lot of that time is a big, black hole with a few patches of memory. He was smack in the middle of the four month sleep regression. We started sleep training and moved him to his own room, and finally things started to turn around. Anyone who is struggling, this is your wake up call. Talk to someone. I was so silent about my pain that my husband still doesn't know how close I came. No one in my life could have helped me because no one knew. It's NOT supposed to be that hard. You are NOT broken or wrong or less than. Talk to someone, anyone. Tomorrow is another day as long as you let it be."

— AValleyAir

14. "Hallucinations. So many hallucinations. My baby's face would morph into demonic ghostly creepy scary as fuck faces. I would look at the crib and the bars would start dancing, mocking me."

— Anonymous

15. "When I literally wanted to throw my daughter, because of her constant screaming. I hate admitting this."

— morganlashelle

"Had a colic baby and can confirm, even without PPD this is a legitimate feeling. My husband and I BOTH had some pretty intense conversations about how triggering our son’s crying was." — bennynthejetsss

16. "I think it's different for everyone symptom-wise, but the main thing is knowing something is not right and that you feel like you need help, regardless of how minute or inconsequential. For a more specific example, I felt like a failure as a mother, and a wife. I felt like nothing I did was very good enough and that my kids were better off without me. I could barely keep up with housework or handle my little one starting to explore the environment. I would get overwhelmed very easily. I would get so frustrated with myself that I would get angry very easily. I would cry a lot, feel sad, overwhelmed, angry, and numb. Sleep was sporadic at best (which did not help). I sought therapy after a night of no sleep and my little one was up in the middle of the night again crying and was inconsolable. I remember my husband trying to soothe baby but was still crying for mama. I ran back into the room screaming, "Put the baby up for adoption, I can't do this anymore."

"The look on my husband's face said it all. I felt devastated and awful. My baby at that time was a year old. I didn't realize you could get postpartum that long after. But I was also trying to wean baby off breast, and unbeknownst to us pregnant, then shortly after miscarried so my hormones were a hot mess." — RozaHathaway

17. "I had pretty much stopped sleeping unless my twins were no more than a couple feet away from me (and even then I was waking up frequently to check on them), because I was convinced somewhere along the way that there was a woman living in our walls/attic who was going to sneak into the room at night and take one or both of them while we slept. It started off as a small fear from a weird nightmare or a movie or some combination of things I've seen, but I was severely exacerbated one night when the boys went to sleep in their room and my husband and I slept in our room. When they finally woke up around midnight, I immediately looked at the monitor and saw these shadow hands grabbing one of the babies and pulling him out of view of the camera. I freaked out but didn't tell my husband what I saw, instead we just ran in there and picked up both boys and brought them into our room."

18. "I had a thought of suffocating my son. I went straight into a mother baby unit."

— annie_wonder-

19. "I thought it was all just normal mom stuff until my world started falling apart and I spiraled into burnout. We had to move in with my in-laws while selling our house, my stress levels increased, I was snapping at everyone especially if the little one was crying. I thought I needed to reach out for help but didn’t say anything and then I got a call from my best friend’s mother. I hadn’t heard from my best friend since about 7:15 the night before. She died of a pulmonary embolism about 20 minutes after our last text. That was five months ago. In working through the grief with a therapist. I’ve pieced together that by the time my best friend died, I had been living with PPD for 8.5 months. I can identify when it started now, but it really spiraled before I did something about it."

— Anonymous

20. "My experience was anger and yelling. Intrusive thoughts. Decided if I didn’t have breastmilk I had no value anyways."

— NewWiseMama

21. "The moment was when my husband was holding our 4-month-old and she smiled at me from across the room. My reaction was anger and my first thought was, "What the fuck are you so happy about?" I'm ashamed saying that but it's true. Also spells anxiety, crying a lot, and thinking we'd ruined our lives by having a baby. But I definitely didn't feel this way all day, every day. It was more episodic and unpredictable."

— sassy2148

22. "I’ve always said that the CIA should bottle up the feeling of the fifth day postpartum hormone crash and use it as an interrogation technique. It was that bad for me. I would start crying and hyperventilating when the sun went down, because it meant another night with the baby. I was scared of him. He was beautiful and perfect, and I was scared of taking care of him, of being alone with him. I was hardly sleeping because his slightest exhale would keep me wide awake. I was ALWAYS crying. More than the baby, probably. I was convinced that I had ruined my life and the life of my husband. I would cry looking at old pictures of us, thinking "Look at those happy people. You did this. You killed them." I got help right away. Upped my dose of Lexapro, saw a perinatal psychiatrist. Had a fantastic support system, family close by. But I still vividly remember how close I was to taking my own life."

— boobookeyz

23. "For my postpartum depression—I knew when I spilled breast milk and got so upset I literally said out loud, "I don’t want to be here anymore." I would also get really mad about things that normally wouldn’t upset me and even when I knew that, I couldn’t change my anger in the moment. For my postpartum anxiety—I would spend hours up Googling even when everyone else was asleep (my son had reflux) and was so insanely worried I was doing something wrong or that I wasn’t being the best mom I could be."

24. "The only thought in my head, running on a loop, was that I wanted to die. My days were so monotonous and boring with this potato of a newborn who needed so much from me. I couldn't think of anything else. I also felt like I was a stranger in my own body, living outside of myself, if that makes sense? I'm still working through it but on medication and going to therapy, I have mostly good days."

— harlowelizabeth

25. "I didn't realize until my baby was 18 months old and I felt happy again. Before that I just thought I hated being a mom, but once it lifted I was like "ohhhhh....DUH!""

— BronwynOli

Postpartum depression is a serious condition, and it's a shame it isn't always treated as such. If you have a story around PPD, share it with us in the form below. We promise to keep it anonymous.

Dial 988 in the United States to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Lifeline is available 24/7/365. Your conversations are free and confidential. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.