I Would Like to Announce My New Venture: Professional Football Coaching

You might wonder, “Does Jennie Young have the relevant education, expertise, and experience required to professionally coach men who play professional football?” Of course I do. I have a doctorate in feminist applied rhetoric.

And more importantly, I get it. I get YOU, you men out there who want to kick and throw the pointy ball. I don’t need to have thrown or caught or kicked or held a football myself to understand its draw, it’s life-altering power, or its brutal challenges. You might wonder whether I’m able to empathize with the hardships that heavily-padded, overpaid men endure on a daily basis, but I can. And I do.

I’m an empath.

I don’t need to have any particular certification to imagine the frustration that would rear its ugly head if all I wanted to do was throw the pointy ball to my friend and then my friend didn’t catch it. And then maybe all the other friends get mad at BOTH of us. That sounds terrible. Playing the football game is nuanced, and complex, and multi-layered, I assume, and that’s why I’ve decided to become a professional coach of professional football players.

And just like Benjamin J. Harvey, Professional Menopause Coach of Menopausal Women, is qualified in his new venture that I assume must have occurred to him while he was drinking some sort of protein-and-cocaine-infused smoothie, I am clearly the best person to advise football men.

I realize that because I am a petite, middle-aged lady who has never played any sport whatsoever, you might assume that I’m not qualified to teach men how to tackle and to fight the other players. That’s where you’re wrong: I feel violent most of the time these days. Knocking down large, testosterone-fueled men is actually one of my number one fantasies. I’ve been manifesting it, and in the coaching world, “manifesting” is synonymous with “doing,” with “mastery.”

• How to empower people to live abundantly on purpose. This is better than disempowering people to starve chaotically.
  

• What to do on the days when you can’t decide whether to throw the pointy ball or run across the grass with the pointy ball. People assume there’s some sort of strategy for this, some sort of method or philosophy, but there’s not. Or at least there hasn’t been, until now. My professional coaching for professional footballing will make everything clear in the downloadable PDF you’ll receive when you sign up for my online seminar called “All About Footballing and Running and Throwing and Kicking the Pointy Ball Over the White Bar Thing, Presented by Jennie Young, Ph. D., Feminist Rhetorician.”
  

• The 3 signs you’re sabotaging your success: Probably the #1 sign is that you’re just wearing the wrong shoes. This isn’t rocket science, so let’s not overthink it. Maybe your shoes don’t have the spiky spikes on the bottom of them and that’s why it’s so hard to run very quickly while also carrying the pointy ball. See? Simple. I’ll reveal the other two signs during the seminar, after I figure out what they are.

As a REAL menopausal woman, I understand full well how hard it is to focus when your hormones are all out of whack from their natural state. I, too, purchase hormones from questionable places on the internet these days, so football men and I have that in common. And anyway, roid rage is like a minor little hissy fit compared to the level of hormone-imbalance-induced fury that my menopausal sisters and I contain on a daily basis.

I don’t NEED to play football, or know anything about football, or even have the biological capability to play football, to be a professional football coach. And if you think I do, that’s just your scarcity mindset.

Click HERE if you want to tell me what a good idea you think it is for me, a person who has never played football, watched football, or even thought about football, to coach football.