Can't Decide if You Like Him Enough? Ask Yourself this One Telling Question

Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash

First, you need the background. Here’s a Burned Haystack Success Story that a community member shared online today:

When I initially went back to dating, I partially implemented the burned haystack method. I thought that somehow I knew more or somebody was different - I found out really quickly the partial implementation of the method was not good. 

After healing from those wounds, my older daughter suggested that I give Hinge a try. I curated my profile, following all the rules and immediately received a rose. This person‘s profile met all of the criteria. He also thoughtfully responded to my profile and only talked about the stuff I wrote. We were perfectly aligned politically and in our interest. 

As many have said before on this profile, he did not initially seem like he was my type. I had always dated people with an edge and from our short interaction it didn’t seem like he had an edge. But, he had a passion for art and politics and I’ve never dated anybody like that before. I leaned into the method and just began to get to know him. 

We started messaging back-and-forth and we quickly found out how connected we were in our lives. His mom was my oldest daughter‘s second grade teacher. We went to the same high school and knew a lot of the same people. His former sister-in-law was one of my really good friends, so she was able to support his good character. I taught his niece. Strangely enough, he lives less than a block from my ex-husband. It became quickly apparent that we should’ve met a long time ago…but the timing wasn’t right until now.

The first week of messaging was really great, but I knew that I didn’t want to start dating right away. I had a lot going on in my work life and my youngest daughter had been fighting an illness so I just didn’t have time for it. I told him that I was very interested in him, but I needed to take a step back for a month or so and focus on other parts of my life. He said he understood and I walked away, knowing that I would be back.

A month and a half later my second job was done, my daughter was fully healed, and I was ready to date again. I sent him another message and he responded in the sweetest way. He made it very clear that he understood why I had taken the time away and he was happy that I was able to come back and focus on dating again. We began to message again.

Our first date was supposed to be coffee, but my basement flooded. My carpet had been ruined and I had to remove it all. I reached out to him and let him know that the only appointment I could get at the dump was during our first coffee date. He then offered to meet me at the dump to help me get my carpet lifted into the dumpsters. Our first date was the dump.

Our relationship continued on slowly. He asked permission before any physical contact. Our first hug didn’t happen for several dates and our first peck on the cheek was not for several dates after that. Every interaction involved permission first. Almost all of the permission happened before we went on our date. Then, during the date he would ask permission before he would do anything. I was able to lead that part of our relationship and I have never experienced it like that before. 

As a relationship progressed, we found that we had even more connections than we had ever imagined. These connections allowed us to seamlessly fit into each other’s lives in ways that I could not believe. Our friends and family both comment on how it feels like we have always been in their lives. This is the first person that I’ve ever dated where things just feel easy and uncomplicated.

I found my needle ❤️

This was my response to her post:

And then someone commented in response to my response:

This is a fantastic question, and here's my heuristic for it (my book has a whole section on heuristics; they're super powerful and you'll do better dating if you understand them):

At the beginning of dating someone, don't ask yourself if you think he's "the one" or if the chemistry is hot enough or even how you feel in the abstract. Instead, ask yourself this:

If your answer is a or b, it’s probably not going anywhere. If it’s “c,” even by a hair, I would give it more time. That’s your subconscious telling you something, making a tiny space for you to be open to something different that might be better and healthier for you.

It’s no guarantee, but judging from more burned haystack success stories than I can count at this point, it’s at least a tiny flicker of hope.

My own success story started very slowly—nearly identical to the woman’s story shared above, except that it didn’t feature a first-date trip to the dump, which I believe we can all agree is epic. ✨

The point, though, is that I was also very uncertain about how I felt, but when I asked myself this clarifying question, I landed firmly in the “c” category. I had no idea where things were going or if there was any chemistry at all on the horizon, but I realized I’d be genuinely disappointed if someone told me I was never going to get to see Pat again. Giving it more time was one of the smartest and healthiest decisions I’ve ever made.

If you’re still in the camp of insisting that chemistry is either there or it isn’t, from Date One, well, I guess that’s fine, but I’m just here to tell you that there were a LOT of us in that camp (a frustrating, infuriating, lonely, and frequently “this is the road to dysfunction and abuse” camp), and we were flat wrong.

I used to think that too —- vehemently. And I was wrong.

Chemistry can and does develop over time, and it might be the best chemistry of your life. 🔥❤️