Your partner is a cofounder too

“I want to start a family, but how can I do that with my startup?”

“My partner is worried about our finances. I might need to go get a ‘real’ job and shut down my startup.”

“We just bought a house, and now it looks like our Seed raise isn’t going to close. I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ve taken money out of my 401(k) to finance my startup. My wife is really upset with me about it.”

We don’t talk enough about the stress and strain that startups put on us as founders, our partners, and our spouses. Over and over, founders have shared with me stories about doing what they think is best for the startup, while acknowledging the pain it is causing in their relationships.

In honor of Valentine’s Day this weekend, I want to share how founders can demonstrate their passion and love for their partners and spouses by engaging in thoughtful open dialogue.

Treat your partner as a cofounder and number one shareholder

You know those tough conversations you had with your cofounder about equity splits, roles and responsibilities, and big-picture goals? You need to have a similar conversation with your partner, as they will be a key source of support.

This may seem cold and too business-like, but it’s actually an act of compassion and love. Your partner will feel the stress and strain through you, so it’s only right that you be open and honest with them.

Here is what you need to talk about.

Are we willing to mortgage the house?

Take money out of your retirement accounts?

Rack up huge credit card debts?

There are stories of founders taking out large loans against their mortgages or retirement savings, leading to highly successful startups. But there are also stories of people going bankrupt.

You need to set clear boundaries for acceptable financial behavior.

If you have a financial planner, review your goals with them to understand how joining a startup will impact them.

Then, create a contract with your spouse outlining what is 100% off-limits from a financial standpoint.

DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS AGREEMENT WITHOUT RENEGOTIATING.

Founders often need to make personal sacrifices — less sleep, less exercise, less time with friends.

Eventually, household duties will be impacted. This could include chores, home improvements, and attending school events. One way to help prevent this from becoming a major issue is to have a thoughtful discussion upfront:

• Make the List - Meet with your partner and make a list of all the jobs currently being done around the house. (I encourage you to be more detailed here rather than less; small details can have a big emotional impact over time.) Include who currently does it, how much time it takes, and how frequently it happens.

• Triage the List - Now, create the “Bare Minimum List” of household activities. This is the list of tasks that must be done, along with the lowest acceptable frequency for both you and your partner to be happy. Neglected little things over time can breed animosity. For example, how often should the bathroom be cleaned? You might think every other week, but your partner might think every week.

• Agree on the Time - Define how much time you will allocate to household activities while in founder mode. It’s better to be realistic and stick to it rather than overpromise and underdeliver.

• Commit - Review the shortlist of household duties and commit to completing your share consistently.

People hate surprises. And since startups are ever-changing, it’s easy for surprises to pop up.

You and your partner should schedule regular time to explicitly check in on the startup. I recommend at least quarterly (which could coincide with your board meetings).

In these discussions, share with your partner a few key points:

• Major changes - If you have had any major operational changes (e.g., new hires, new customers, lost contracts), make sure to celebrate these wins and share the losses.

• Runway - This can be stressful, especially as the number approaches zero, but it is important to share the company's outlook.

• Progress and milestones - Translate your business objectives and milestones into goals your partner can understand. Be honest about the challenges and risks of reaching these goals.

• Contingency plans - Share your plan B in case things don’t work out. This isn’t about giving up; it's about ensuring you have a safety net for your family.

Your relationship with your partner is unique. Adapt these suggestions to your partner’s personality and your personality.

However you do it, it is critical to align expectations and conduct periodic check-ins with your partner throughout your startup journey.

You may want to shield your partner from the stress and uncertainty. But in my experience, that sets you up for greater conflict down the line. When someone doesn’t have insight into a situation, they typically assume the worst.

Being a founder is stressful. Maybe the only thing more stressful is being the spouse of a founder. This Valentine’s Day, show your partner or spouse how much you care by acknowledging their stress and working to minimize it.

And now a question for you: What have you done that’s helped reduce the stress in your relationships?

Share your story in the comments.