We're Failing Our Boys

American children — and particularly teenage boys in the United States — die at higher rate than their peers in other high-income countries, according to a study by Children’s Hospital of Pennsylvania researchers.

That’s a choice. Not an individual choice, certainly. A societal one. We here in the United States know what children need to thrive; we simply haven’t prioritized it. We haven't prioritized our boys’ health and safety.

The “internet” — and by that I mean social media sites and other websites and virtual platforms — pretty much shows boys what “they” (and by “they,” I mean the people and organizations who own those sites) want them to see. As Katie Hurley, DSW, LCSW wrote in a recent CNN article (excerpted below), “If you identify as a male adolescent, good luck ‘curating’ your algorithm. People often give that advice, but…it’s completely unrealistic in teen boy world. You get what they give you.”

Related: My 23-year-old son recently told me about all the ads he sees for AI companions — specifically, sexually-themed AI companions — while playing a video game that’s commonly played by children. No wonder, perhaps, that so many teenage boys are “choosing” AI companionship. It is being piped to them. Marketed to them. Exactly the same way gambling is.

Our boys’ brains, bodies, and bones are being picked for profit. And we are letting them.

I know that most of you are as distressed by these facts as I am. I know that you are doing your darndest to raise a good guy and keep him away from all the negative forces that stalk him. And I know that you and I don’t have much power compared to those who control the internet and our laws.

But friends: We have so much more power than we realize! It is in our power to change outcomes for our boys. For all boys.

Katie Hurley hinted at it in her in CNN article: Boys, she writes “are looking for belonging, purpose and mattering. They want to feel understood…If there’s one piece of advice I can offer to parents of boys, it’s this: In the absence of connection, belonging and feeling understood in their lives, boys will look elsewhere to meet these needs.”

That echoes what I wrote a few months ago in Parents, You’re Beating the Algorithms:

…parents are more powerful than online influencers and algorithms. Your example and connection are SO much more powerful than anything your son will encounter online…You are powerful enough to counterbalance and outweigh whatever nonsense he finds online.

The worst thing we can do — for our boys & for ourselves — is to give up. To fall into a state of helplessness or depression. I know you are overwhelmed. I know that most of us are living in systems that fail to prioritize the things humans need to thrive. (If you want to read a great book about how to counter that, I strongly recommend my friend Stephanie Malia Krauss’s new book, How We Thrive, Caring For Kids & Ourselves in a Changing World.)

The world may not prioritize our boys, but we can. Not over ourselves, but alongside us. And that is how we will change the world — one boy, one family at a time.

Here’s to building boys!

Jen

P.S. I’m opening a small Boy Mom Circle — a virtual gathering/conversation space for “boy moms” — later this month. Details coming this week.

The Dangerous Rise of “Looksmaxxing”: Extreme New Diet Trend Hitting Young Men

Highlights:

• “As the ‘boy kibble’ trend continues to spread, doctors say awareness is key — not just for teens chasing gains, but for the families trying to keep them healthy along the way.”

• Dr. Nyakabau says he’s seeing “some patients as young as twelve expressing interest in highly restrictive, muscle-focused diets.”

• “Not everyone with bulging muscles is an expert…That’s an important lesson for young people to learn.”

Supplement Use in Kids is Rising, Including for Weight Loss & Body Building, Study Finds

Highlights:

• “Adolescent boys most often use melatonin and bodybuilding supplements (whey protein, casein protein, branched-chain amino acids, creatine, creatine monohydrate, glutamine, beta-alanine, citrulline malate, arginine, or taurine).”

• “Supplements are not regulated by the FDA the same way medications are, meaning that their manufacturers do not have to prove to any authoritative body that their supplements contain the dosages printed on the label. In many cases, as with melatonin, studies have shown these dosages to be off by hundreds of percentage points”

• “We have a whole bunch of different products in the market that contain hidden ingredients, and those ingredients are not necessarily safe, especially for vulnerable populations like kids”

Study Finds U.S. Children Die at Higher Rates Than Peers in Other High-Income Choices

Highlights:

• “We found that the U.S. child mortality disadvantage has persisted for decades and is now increasingly concentrated among older adolescents, particularly males”

• “Adolescent males ages 15–19 are not just underserved — they are the single largest contributor to America’s shameful child mortality disadvantage relative to the rest of the developed world.”

Not Familiar with “Red Pill” Content? Teen Boys Are, Whether They Want to Be or Not

Highlights:

• “If you identify as a male adolescent, good luck ‘curating’ your algorithm. People often give that advice, but he…it’s completely unrealistic in teen boy world. You get what they give you.”

• “Watch enough of this content and you’ll learn that the keys to becoming a ‘man’ include hyper independence, strong leadership, financial stability, assertiveness skills and an ability to provide what they refer to as ‘containment.’ Masculine men will contain women by ‘unemploying’ them…”

• “These boys are looking for belonging, purpose and mattering. They want to feel understood.”

• “If there’s one piece of advice I can offer to parents of boys, it’s this: In the absence of connection, belonging and feeling understood in their lives, boys will look elsewhere to meet these needs.”

• “If you want your sons to come to you, you need to create brave spaces inside your family where they can be honest and you can listen without problem-solving and validate what they’re going through.”