Connecting Boys with Men

Boys need men.

For better and for worse, boys learn how to be a man, in part anyway, by watching other men.

We “boy moms” play an important roles, but we cannot (& should not) welcome boys into the community of men. Only men can do that — and it’s an importantrite of passage that too many boys are missing.

Note: I am not talking about structured rites of passage here. I am not talking about going out to the desert or undertaking some challenging task. I’m specifically talking about boys’ introduction, gradual integration, and acceptance into the world of men.

It used to happen easily, naturally. Boys, like girls, learned and labored beside and next to their elders, gradually assuming more responsibility. As age-segregated schools and “going to work” (as opposed to working from home, at home, for the survival of the family) became more common, kids increasingly spent more and more time with their peers and less and less around adults.

Today, most children spend very little time, proportionately-speaking, with adults. Most boys spend very little time with adult males, as their teachers and daycare providers are primarily female (and many boys don’t have an involved father).

If you’re a single mom, you’ve likely heard all kinds of stories about how boys need men to thrive. (Many of which completely fail to mention the fact that single moms can and do raise great men!) You’re also likely acutely aware of the lack of male mentors and male educators. You (like all moms) are doing your best with what you have.

Married and partnered mamas worry about connecting boys with good men too. Outside of sports, there just aren’t that many opportunities for young and teenage boys to interact regularly with adult men.

Fortunately, governments, communities, and societies are waking up to the need for more male mentors. They’re establishing and promoting programs designed to connect boys and men. That’s great but…you can’t wait for a program. Your son will be grown by the time most of these programs are up and running.

This problem isn’t as complicated as it seems.

I found — well, realized — the solution while scrolling Instagram this weekend:

Do you see & hear how those adult males interact with that little boy? Yes, the boy is special, in that he’s got a clear passion and is unafraid to sit and talk with the big guys. (And yes, he— Jackson — has been around the internet for awhile) What is not special or unique is the adults’ embrace of this young boy.

Adult men LOVE to spend time with youth who share their passions. Who show a glimmer of interest in their interests. Anyone who has ever said that men are not nurturing has never spent time at a machine show or fishing expo, watching adult men glow as they explain something to a young boy.

Anyone who has ever said that men are not nurturing has never spent time at a machine show or fishing expo, watching adult men glow as they explain something to a young boy.

I took my oldest son to the Milwaukee Musky Expo when was about 10 or 11. (A “musky,” or “muskie,” if you didn’t know, is large game fish — a muskellunge. The Wisconsin state fish, in fact.) He’d developed an interest in musky fishing after seeing a guy return to the dock with one that summer. I personally have zero interest in fishing, but he wanted to go, so we went. That son is now 28 years old — and that day remains one of the best days I ever spent with him.

Every adult we met took him seriously. Validated his interest. Shared their knowledge. And encouraged him to keep going. The editor of the biggest musky magazine in the state (yes, that was a thing then) talked with my son for a good while. Guys shared their business cards and told my son he could reach out with questions.

This was not grooming. These were not adult men trying to take advantage of a child; these were adult men who care, who were thrilled to meet a young person who was interested in their sport.

My youngest son had a similar experience when we attended the Equip Exposition, a HUGE landscape show, a few years ago. Like little Jackson above, he got to be on a podcast, with a podcaster he admired (in front of a John Deere background). He met adult men who welcomed and encouraged his interest — some of whom have since become his mentors.

My oldest son is still a musky fisherman. My youngest son is building his own landscaping business. I don’t think those are coincidences.

Go where the guys are. Whatever your son is interested in — video games, fishing, comics, farm equipment— go to a gathering. Look for events in your area. Don’t push your son to interact, but don’t discourage him from looking, talking, or asking questions either.

Trust this: when boys show up with genuine interest, good men show up for them. Your job is simply to get him there.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. Have you watched The Singers on Netflix? It’s a short (18 minute!) Oscar-winning movie that says more about men, male loneliness, & the state of humanity than most things I’ve read & watched.

“A Place for Girls” — Why are Boys Missing From Youth Clinics?

Highlights:

• “This is not just about gender equality. It’s a public health issue”

• “Gender-neutral solutions can, in practice, reinforce inequalities.”