It’s been a year since my original breakup post.
As I rapidly approach being crowned the internet's favourite crazy ex-girlfriend, I thought it was time to share a step-by-step guide to becoming your own worst enemy and somebody’s son’s worst nightmare
A masterclass in hope, delusion & self-abandonment
Break up with the man. (For maximum chaos and bonus points, be the one who ends it.)
Lie to yourself. Almost immediately after breaking up, convince yourself that this man is in fact the love of your life. Ignore any and all previously collected evidence that this is not the case. For this to work, you must remain delusional.
Crawl back and beg the second you feel uneasy. Instead of walking away with your head held high and your dignity intact like you originally planned to, do a full 180. Bargain a little.
My self-respect for a crumb of your approval please, sir.Don’t go quietly. Retaliate when you feel out of control. Send long, angry paragraphs. Tell him all the ways he hurt you. Post not-so-subliminal messages in your captions and throw in some passive aggressive reshares too.
Completely abandon yourself. Don’t behave like someone who is smart, beautiful, strong, capable and lovable. You are all of those things. But forget that. That’s not going to work here. Tie all of your self worth to this one individual who cannot see your value.
Chase dopamine instead of sitting with yourself and dealing with the deeper wounds. Fuck it. Just keep clawing at those wounds just to remind yourself it still hurts. Add your own ego and a mind altering substance, call it a band-aid and jobs a good’un. (Historically, I’d opt for tequila or recreational drugs. But as a sober babe, I will now accept a strong SSRI or mood stabiliser.)
Initiate the Post-break-up glow. Do something radical with your hair. Dress a little different. But don’t actually do it for yourself. That would be crazy. Everything must silently beg for his approval. Don’t get new hobbies for you. Only do things that make you feel closer to him. It’s important that everything remains performative.
Call him every now and then just to make extra sure he doesn’t want you back. Because after all, he might now. After all of that super sexy self abandonment and begging.
Break up with therapy. Therapy is for people who want to be sane and healed. That’s not you. Just go out a lot and keep repeating how you’re “so good!”
Make sure you’re in a constant state of self punishment. Don’t even eat, actually. Or eat until you’re sick.
Move on way too quickly in an effort to feel better. Seek comfort in strangers. Go on dates before you’re ready. Call on your old situationships to distract yourself and then feel worse when you remember that those men ain’t it either. Act shocked when these dates are terrible or those relationships crash and burn. Lose hope after.
Lose faith in humanity and then cry yourself to sleep. Do this consecutively to no avail. Consider becoming a Buddhist nun or joining a cult.
Go on a man-hating rampage. Swear off men entirely. Secretly hope one comes along and saves you anyway.
Tell yourself and anyone else who will listen that you’re going to die alone anyway. Say you’re so fine with that. (You’re very much not.)
Abandon Logic. Make sure you’re completely delusional and incoherent. Babble on like an unintelligent fool. Lack intellect and self awareness on a monumental scale. Works a charm.
Don’t let your friends or family rest. Fuck ‘em. Talk about your breakup non-stop. Tirelessly switch up your perspective about it daily to add flavour. Keep everyone on their toes, babe.
Keep reminders of him everywhere. Cry at them. Cry cry cry.
Blame yourself, hate yourself. Hate yourself for blaming yourself and so on and so forth. Don’t blame him anymore. We’ve decided it’s not his fault. He’s perfect. Always was. You’re the problem, actually. The way you felt in the relationship? Irrelevant. Your feelings don’t matter, baby. It’s all your fault all the time.
Naughty girl.Play every memory on a loop to torture yourself in the hell that will quickly become a prison in your mind. 24/7. Find alternative endings to conversations that happened.
Bonus points if you can find multiple endings to made-up conversations that will never happen.Make sure your anxiety is on level 100 every time you leave your home. Always be alert and in a constant state of panic whenever you’re out anywhere, just teetering on fear and hope you might bump into him. Do your hair just in case.
Keep a tiny bit of hope alive.
Not enough to actually believe you’ll get a happily ever after with this person. Just enough to stop you from moving on.Keep believing love is something that must be earned instead of something you are worthy of. Keep outsourcing that love. Keep over giving. Oversharing. Over loving. Never pour inwards. Do this until you can no longer function. Cry yourself to sleep some more.
Romanticise your suffering. Eat sleep and breathe it. Even after you’ve long stopped missing him, stay stuck in the longing. Make sure you’re fully addicted to that feeling.
Let the internet know every detail of your heartbreak. This one is crucial. Make sure the entire world is aware of your most unhinged thoughts. Cherry pick the moments that make you look the most bothered and unhinged. Publish those. Silence is the enemy.
Rewrite the story until you’re the problem.
It’s easier than accepting he just wasn’t right for you.
And then, after all that, a year later, look back at it all in horror and crippling embarrassment.
One thing that became painfully apparent when reflecting on that particular heartbreak is that love really can make you completely insane. It’s safe to say that at times, I went mad.
And what a gift it was to love to the point of madness.
TLDR: Self-abandonment is a one way ticket to Crazy Town.
See you next time in the confessional.
Blithe x
I wrote what I thought was a love letter.
Looking at it now, it reads more like the blueprints of a ransom note:
I can’t live without you.
— Ransom note, Blithe Saxon
Circa 2023
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