Stuck at Sea

Hello Blair Bears,

It’s accidentally been (well over) two months since I’ve last written you. In that time, I’ve been in LA a total of two weekends. I was everywhere — North Carolina, Catalina, New York, Australia, Vegas, and now I’m finally done traveling for the year. Thank God, I’m burnt to a crisp. There were so many times I’ve wanted to write you, especially after Australia (which was so, SO beyond incredible), but was just too exhausted to write publicly about how I’m really doing due to being at energy level negative zero while also trying to keep up with my insanely busy schedule. And the crying. It’s never-ending. And wow, that shit makes you tired.

When I tell you I cry eight times a day every day, I mean it. I can’t stop. Every day. Even months later, it feels like I’m drowning. I don’t even know how my body can even produce this much water???? I guess I’m a hydrated bitch.

I feel like everyone is sick of me talking about this/BEING this person but it’s so all consuming, it’s the only thing I am right now. I can’t be anything different. I’m still in shock. I feel completely taken over. I miss my brother so fucking much and I also miss the person I was before all this. I don’t have any way back to her and I never will. I also miss the person that only he brought out in me. I miss my family before this. I wish there was anything I could have done.

RJ was my person in life. It got complicated towards the end with how busy both of our lives got and me not living in town, but my whole life he was the person who really saw me and loved me so much exactly the way I was. He always made me feel welcome and loved in every room. He never put me down ever. I used to thank God for him every day growing up (I still do now), I always felt so safe and so loved. He had this way of making me feel like I truly delighted him (which I think is just extremely, extremely rare for a younger sibling to feel like this). To me, he was always a living angel.

He invited me to so many trips to the skate park and the beach when most older brothers wouldn’t want their little sister tagging along. He indulged all my weird interests and obsessions and the stories and characters I made up and just went right ahead and made up his own characters to go along with mine. He never made me feel like I was weird, instead he loved everything that was weird about me. He hand made so many of my birthday gifts and always drew pictures of me and wrote me the sweetest cards and made me artwork. He made me feel so special. To me, he was the sun, the moon, and the stars (I wish I had less fucking cliche words than these at this moment believe you me, but I feel brain dead after a day full of pitching and crying and that’s all that’s coming out while I try to say that he was everything). I wish I had a sweatshirt of his or one of his one million hats, anything to feel close to him. And I wish he didn’t want to be cremated so that I could at least have a grave to go for the rest of my life to be with him. Instead, we have nothing.

This is probably not good for my career to be this public with my current emotional annihilation, but luckily people seem to still be letting me work, thank you, Lord. And thank you to everyone who keeps hiring me and asking me to do shit. I am so grateful. It’s the only time I can not feel grief for one second. I pitched one of my TV shows today to a few places. It felt good, we’ll see what happens. I am going on people’s podcasts and doing a lot of stand-up which is a saving grace. But, before and after these things I just cry and cry. Doing my 5 mile walk has been difficult. I have no energy.

My friends have all been amazing especially because I am unable to show up to much due to exhaustion or feeling like I will just be a bummer to everyone or start crying. I know I’m not supposed to isolate but it’s scary being around people with this level of sadness. For example, I went to Maron’s WTF podcast wrap party and ran into Chelsea Handler. I didn’t know if she would remember me, she asked how I was doing and what was new and I just blurted out, “my brother died”. Insane. Not party talk, oh my god. Not appropriate at all. I barely know this woman. Despite this, I was glad my friends pushed me to go cuz I ended up having a great time with my girlfriends and I also wanted to support Marc who has done so much for me. Luckily, I get to see my friends almost constantly every night for work, although they like to remind me that the hall of the comedy store is not true hangout time.

I love my family so much but worry about them all constantly. It’s intense. I feel like a parent to my parents now. A parent should never have to deal with the loss of their child. Witnessing their grief is shattering to my soul. I absorb every ounce of their pain and want to take it all away. And I miss RJ’s kids all the time. I’m not in town very much and then when I am, it’s not the easiest to see them or it’s just for very short bursts. I feel so guilty and wish I could be there way more for them as they are on my mind literally all day every day. I pray for them constantly, it is such a helpless feeling. It all just feels like endless heartbreak that will never ever go away. I don’t want to do the holidays, I just want to put my head in the sand until January. Whew, I can’t stop crying.

Anyway, I’m obviously super (SUPER) emotional while writing this but there’s a lot of good in my life still and I want you to know (so you don’t worry) that I write all my blessings down every day and am so grateful. Despite the brutal pain, I am beyond blessed. Blessed that I even got to have RJ in my life. Blessed with everything I still have left to live for. Blessed by the powerful love of my family and friends. Blessed that I stuck with comedy despite all the ups and downs as it is my true passion. Blessed by all the tears that are the price I must pay for the ferocity of love that I will always have for RJ.

My podcast, Spaced Out, launches next week on Wednesday, November 26th. RJ came up with the name before he died. He was always so good at that stuff. I would be thrilled if you would follow and subscribe (link here). It will be available wherever you get your podcasts and the video version will be available on my youtube here if you want to go ahead and subscribe to that as well (I would very much appreciate <3). The podcast is about pop culture, womanhood, mental health, and a little bit of aliens. I really hope you like it! You’ll also hear a lot more about my Australia trip in the first several episodes which I’m glad about cuz I’m too drained to tell you about it now despite it being such a deeply meaningful trip for me working with the most incredible people.

Here is the art work for it, I love it so much, I wish I could show RJ, he would love it.

Saturday, December 6th, I and some much more famous than me people will be putting on a special show to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It would mean the world to me if you are able to come out for it — here’s the link to buy tickets — thank you, love you.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you got this far. Hopefully, the next one will be less heavy. And once again, I did not proofread this even a little sorry. Thanks for supporting me in any way or even caring. It is what has kept me going. I love you all dearly.

Love,

Blairy