It’s been thirteen months since you’ve been gone. It’s been one year since your funeral. People told me I would barely remember that day. They’re right, it feels like a weird blurry dream now, where only random moments come into focus. I wanted to write on here so many times but it all just felt too heavy and like I couldn’t even articulate the weight of it all.
My last entry on this blog (vintage word for Substack) was in November of last year which was a particularly excruciating time going through the first holidays without Arge. November and December were genuinely physically painful. I am grateful for my sweet family and how we get through each milestone together with so much love like survivors of a plane crash huddling together in a lifeboat with shrapnel and mini bags of sun chips.
It’s surreal to think that it’s already been a year. I still don’t know how this happened or how we’re supposed to live without you.
I pray every day (not to a Christian nationalist god don’t worry) for the best parts of you to live through me. That I can have even a fraction of the positive effect you had on every person you encountered. That I can maybe make people feel seen, accepted, celebrated, understood, safe, protected, even a little as you did.
It’s still so confusing and brain breaking that you’re gone as nobody was more loved or respected in the world. 1000 people at your funeral and many more who would have been there if they’d have known. People who hadn’t seen you in decades flew in from everywhere to celebrate and remember you. I’m still getting messages from people all over the country who you worked with or knew or played sports with that are just finding out. The impression you left on people was searing because of how deeply genuine and kind you were to your very core. You wanted the best for everyone you met and knew and always wanted to help people or show them kindness and gentleness with zero ulterior motives. You gave everything of yourself to others. Nothing is fair.
When people speak of deep loss like “it feels like it just happened yesterday”, well, that hasn’t been my experience at all. This past year was the longest year of my life by a mile. In my heart of hearts, it feels like it was truly ten years in one. I lived so many lives in one year.
It feels like 20 years since I last saw you. I worry every day I am gonna forget the sound of your laugh, god nothing in the world was better than making you laugh! I miss all our decades of weird inside jokes that sounded insane to the outside world. I worry that I will forget how your Hulk hugs felt, or how you would grab the tops of my shoulders with a vice grip, or the way you smelled. I feel much older. I feel freer. Like, the annihilation of your death pressure-washed away everything that no longer matters. I only have energy for my top priorities — creating, being outside with the sun and the trees, spending time with my loved ones, and working on spreading mental health awareness. I’m also trying to get the fuck off my phone (today I have a social media blocker on, Burnout Buddy app if you’re looking for one), read, and take up hobbies that remind me that life is more than a means to an end and work and getting to the next level of whatever imaginary ladder I have set for myself.
I started the podcast. I tell everyone you came up with the name the day before you died. I talk about the weird alien happenings I catch wind of that I used to solely text to you. I wonder if people have fun with it the way we did? I don’t know. I’m glad I started it though because it’s allowed me to connect in a deeper, more true way. I talk about you a lot on there.
A few weeks ago, I felt attraction to a few random good looking men passing by on the streets of New York which was positive because I’ve felt zero desire to date the past year or interest or even a speck of attraction to anyone. I guess I was just surviving. One foot in front of the other in a very demanding, insane schedule.
I have of course also felt like I have to be there for my parents in every moment I can. Their poor, decimated hearts. It crushes me to see them in pain. I feel so protective of them. When people even innocently lack awareness and ask things of them that they shouldn’t or make a tone deaf comment, I genuinely want to call them up like their lawyer and let them know they will not be participating and to please be more mindful.
When I haven’t been traveling, I’ve mostly been huddled up with them. I try to get down there for as many Sunday dinners as possible because they’re my favorite people to be with in the world. We cook, try recipes, go on walks, and have “board meetings” at the bar with specialty cocktails. All in the house I was born and raised in. I’m so lucky. So many memories of my life with Hayden and RJ running through the hills all day and up to the water tower until my dad would whistle super loud on the door step and we would know it was time to come back for dinner.
Hayden and I text “love u” back and forth all the time. Bonded in our pain and love. Missing our sweet magnificent titan of a brother.
I remember the week before RJ died he told me he still needed to listen to my WTF episode. He was so sweet the week before asking for pictures of the venues every night when I was touring with Maron. I couldn’t wait to tell him The Flaming Lips were at our show in Oklahoma City as he was the one who introduced their music to me when I was young. He said he really wanted to come see me at the Comedy Store. He never got to. So many things we never got to do.
I will say this, apparently there’s a ton of great whites at the San Clemente/So Cal beaches cuz the water’s gotten warmer and every time those TikTok’s come across my page, I shudder and think well thank god, at least don’t have to worry about you surfing all the time with those fuckers everywhere.
Thank you everyone for all the love and support you have given my family and me this year. Thank you everyone who still showed up/show up to my shows despite all my grief posts, trusting me to make you laugh. Your kind notes, comments, gifts, calls, letters made each day a little more bearable. You will never know just how etched into our souls the people who showed up for us are.
Okay, this post could truly go on for days and days and days so I’m gonna wrap it up here. As always, I did not proofread this so I hope you can be at peace with that. We love you, RJ.
BULLETIN: LATELY AND UPCOMING
Latest episode of Spaced Out with Blair featuring Chelsea Peretti — truly thank you guys so much for listening, subscribing, leaving 5 star reviews I’m trying so hard to get this show off the ground so I can keep doing it because I am so passionate about it. Link to subscribe on Apple podcasts here.
NETFLIX IS A JOKE PRESENTS BLAIR SOCCI — this is a big deal for me as Netflix has given me my own headlining show and I rarely do long sets in LA. The show is this coming Tuesday, May 5th at 7:30 pm at the Hollywood Improv.
NEW SAN DIEGO DATE ADDED Sept 16
My recent episode of Las Culturistas
My Touring Dates for the rest of 2026
And remember, the kindest thing you can do for a comedian is buy your tickets early so that we can perhaps not be stressed to the depths of hell every day leading up to the show worrying about ticket sales.
Thank you all so much for riding with me, I love you!
Blairy
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