Post Croatia, Back In The Thick Of It

Hello Dear Readers,

I hope you’ve been as well as you can be with all of the relentless twists and turns of life. I’d already written a half of a Substack on my way home from Croatia but somehow that feels like light-years ago so I am starting anew. Recording live from Blair Bear Headquarters, the AC blasting and a cartoon called Scavenger’s Reign on in the background (just to set the scene for you in case you’re into that). Anthony recommended SR to me and as we all know, the man has very shrewd taste so of course I popped it on.

Croatia was nothing short of magical. It felt like a true vacation where I exited reality and had no responsibilities, just freedom and the healing balm of the sun, friendship, and the Adriatic Sea. It was the first time I felt real true lightness in my body since RJ’s been gone. I swam out every day in the crystal clear ocean and floated and talked to Arge and cried. It genuinely felt like he was right there soothing me, it was a mystical experience every single day out there with him I’m not kidding. I could feel him vividly. And then I would cry with gratitude because this was all I asked for before going on this grief pilgrimage, to really feel him and have interaction with him while I was there.

I gained a life long sister in Tanja and a life long attachment to beautiful Croatia for the memory it will hold in my life when I needed it most. Tanja is so wise and tenacious and fun and sensitive and thoughtful and funny and taught/teaches me so much. I called our two week sleepover, Camp Tanja and also Tanja Academy (when she would teach me something I didn’t know). I loved living in a gorgeous little village for two weeks that I’d never heard of. I think I last left you in my previous post on a cliffhanger on my way to try fried sardines — the follow-up is that they were much better than I thought they were gonna be! They were tiny approachable lil guys and very lightly fried with lots of lemon. And I just know that shit is good for your skin (yes, it always comes back to skin). By the way, I got a lot of DM questions about skincare, sun protection, my hats, weight vest, etc. so I started an Amazon storefront where I’ve linked everything I buy. Check it out here if you are interested in any of that hullabaloo.

In other updates, I’ve grievously reached a new conclusion that I will no longer be eating octopuses. Yes, the current proper term is now octopuses instead of octopi like they were trying to tell us in third grade. I know you were correcting me in your head. Look, you can count on me for all the latest in under water species nomenclature. Anyway, I grew up in a diving family so I’ve been eating octopus my entire life and now there is this new flood of research that they’re actually sentient and it’s basically like eating a dog and I would never eat a dog. I already feel guilt every day about eating cows (although I sadly don’t foresee myself stopping). They don’t deserve my evil consumption of them, poor cows. But I digress, word on the science streets is that octopuses are way more intelligent than we think and could actually be a tie to extraterrestrial species. New studies have proven that octopuses can edit their own RNA?! Yes, I know, here we go again brushing up against one of my autistic special interests — aliens. Have you guys been following news about 3I/ATLAS? No, just me, okay. If Arge was still here, he would be getting a flood of TikToks from me and would graciously ask me if we should go looking for it.

It was really sad to leave Camp Tanja and come back to reality. Luckily, a day after I got back to LA, I got to do Sam Morril’s show at the comedy store. It was so fun to see Sam because I usually only see him like once a year. I think he is the closest thing we have in comedy to a younger Attell and I was excited to see his new hour. I really admire his joke writing ability. Not only is Sam a great hang, but he is so kind to everyone.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve felt like I’ve been under a never ending tidal wave of work. It’s been super exhausting and I have truly zero physical energy in a way that’s actually scary, BUT I am determined. I need to go get blood tests my friends say. I will. I’ve always been a low energy person way before RJ died and now I am at like -30%. It feels like I have mono. And also a very intense schedule. There’s also been a violent heat wave in LA the past week and a half and also we are currently in the eclipse window, so that paired with the grief and a mountain of work has made me feel like I’m trying to move through quicksand. But I’m doing it.

Don’t worry everyone, I am taking very good care of myself exercising every day, seeing my incredible trauma therapist, taking my prozac, eating protein, getting lots of sleep, and drinking my water. This level of grief is just physiologically really flattening I guess and everyone has said this entire first year will suck. When I was in Croatia, I finally got the space and mental break to get a bunch of ideas like I’d hoped/prayed for and a renewed motivation to complete my projects that all got put on pause the past 5 months. I realized I need to lock in if I’m going to reach my potential and make RJ proud. I’m now chipping away getting one thing done at a time and it feels really good despite it taking every ounce of herculean will I have to get even the tiniest thing done. That being said, even though I am so so tired, I am super excited about/so grateful for a lot of the exciting things that I have coming up.

I’ve signed a deal to start a new podcast! It will be called Spaced Out with Blair Socci — RJ actually gave me the title the day before he died when we were brainstorming names on text, how weird is that? I’m really looking forward to starting as I feel like I have so much to say at this particular moment of my life.

UPCOMING SHOWS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

I will be returning to Wilmington, North Carolina in 9 days to perform at Dead Crow Comedy Club (Sept. 19th-20th). I love this club and it will be the first time I’ve played there in five years. Wilmington is so awesome and I remember loving the crowds the last time I was there.

Following that, I’ll be going to New York to play the Bell House Brooklyn October 7th, of which it’s been four years since I last headlined there! I am so excited, my best friend Rosebud will be doing the show with me and some other very exciting famous people.

Tickets for both Wilmington and New York are available HERE! And remember, the kindest thing you can do for a comedian is buy tickets early so we don’t have to have hellish stress worrying up until the show and can just focus on giving you great comedy.

Following these dates, I’m going to Australia for SXSW for my new podcast stuff. I’m so excited, I’ve never been to Australia! I gotta start working on the fits now. Thank you god! Gonna need to go purchase some b12 shots I think.

WHAT I’VE BEEN WORKING ON IN THERAPY

Trying to untangle feelings of guilt whenever I feel happiness or joy because RJ doesn’t get to have these experiences any more, at least on earth (I know he is happy and at peace where he is and that we will all be blissfully reunited one day). What’s so odd is the depth of pain I feel is so deep that I’ve actually also had much deeper feelings of joy when it comes around because I know how short and fleeting and fragile life is now. I feel like I’ve made progress this month with easing the guilt around happy moments because I now feel like I am living for the both of us. I need to be happy for the both of us. I need to carry us both. So that perspective has been helping me let go of guilt for making the most of life after he’s been gone despite how fucking brutal it’s been. I also know RJ would never want me to quit and always wanted the best for me at every turn. I am so lucky I got to have him as a brother.

Okay, sorry to end this on a sappy note and for being such an open wound on this blog the last several months. I love you all deeply and I am always wishing you well and rooting for you. Say hi if you feel like it.

Love,

B