Farticus at the Gates to Hell!

I hopped aboard the Sunday morning legacy-media Jump and Jive and got exactly what I deserved.

Todd Blanche told the Big Lie. The shameful Bill Cassidy scolded RFK Jr. yet voted for both confirmations. What a dipshit.

Ukraine, meanwhile, has been striking deep inside Russia—today, Moscow. Another Wildberries terminal went up, the Russian equivalent of an Amazon facility. Half the country’s monster distribution centres have reportedly been severely damaged. The war keeps arriving at addresses Putin believed were beyond its reach.

Then there’s Karoline Leavitt, posting Friday footage of Trump from behind, apparently hauling a fully stocked shelf beneath his ass. Why would she do this? Perhaps to confirm that the sickly beast is roasting in his Pampers Swaddlers.

I have a theory.

Trump knows the end is near, and he’s determined to rope humanity and drag the rest of us along with him. This is a man who eats cruelty and cravenness like breakfast cereal—big bowl, tiny spoon, milk running down his chin.

Thank God I jumped the rail and went to YouTube for relief.

It carried me to an Egyptian cave covered in drawings of the afterlife. There appears to be a questionnaire awaiting the dead—possibly twenty-five questions in all—most of them concerned with how decently one behaved while walking around up here.

So I thought I’d prepare a shorter version for Trump, from the rest of us.

Only ten.

1. Did you rape that thirteen-year-old girl?

2. Have you ever cheated at golf?

3. Did you win the 2020 election?

4. Did your mother drop you on your head—and, if so, was it deliberate?

5. Did you sleep more than once with Roy Cohn or Lindsey Graham?

6. Have you ever tasted lettuce?

7. Point to Manitoba on a map.

8. Donkey. Goat. Micropachycephalosaurus. Cat. Beagle. Now recite them back.

9. Keds or Florsheim—which shoe did children favour when you were young?

10. Have you heard from Jeffrey Epstein lately?

The Egyptians believed the heart would be weighed against a feather.

For Trump, they may need a forklift.