Day 79/100: To a Traditional Man, "Core Femininity" Means Having the Voice of a Mouse and Behaving Like a "Didirin"

Before getting into this conversation, I need to explain what I mean by a traditional man. People use the phrase so loosely that it often loses its meaning.

This belief influences every part of his life. It shapes the kind of wife he wants, the daughters he hopes to raise, and even the women he considers respectable. It determines how he interprets confidence, independence, ambition, and strength whenever those qualities appear in a woman.

Because of that mindset, he also develops a very narrow definition of femininity.

To him, the perfect woman speaks with the voice of a mouse and behaves like a didirin.

If you're Yoruba, you probably know exactly what that word means.

A didirin is often described as the ideal woman because she rarely challenges anyone. She accepts instructions without resistance, avoids difficult conversations, suppresses opinions that might create disagreement, and places everyone else's comfort ahead of her own. She does what is expected of her, even when it costs her happiness or identity.

Many people celebrate this behavior as the highest expression of femininity.

I don't.

Every time I hear someone praise a woman for becoming a didirin, I find myself wondering why complete obedience has become the standard for being called feminine.

The two ideas are not the same.

Unfortunately, many traditional men cannot separate them.

What Traditional Men Believe Femininity Looks Like

Once you understand how this worldview operates, everything else begins to make sense.

For many traditional men, femininity is measured by how little resistance a woman offers.

The less she disagrees, the more feminine she appears.

The fewer opinions she expresses, the more respectable she becomes.

The easier she is to control, the more she is praised.

That is why qualities such as confidence, independence, assertiveness, and ambition are often treated with suspicion. Instead of seeing those traits as signs of maturity, they are interpreted as evidence that a woman has become "too masculine."

The standard is not based on character. It is based on compliance.

A woman can be dishonest, manipulative, jealous, or unkind, but if she remains obedient, many people will still describe her as feminine.

Another woman may be compassionate, intelligent, responsible, emotionally mature, and deeply respectful. Yet because she speaks her mind and refuses to surrender her identity, she is labeled difficult.

That contradiction tells you everything you need to know.

The definition has very little to do with virtue and almost everything to do with control.

Once I noticed this pattern, I started seeing it everywhere.

Women are applauded for enduring treatment that would never be expected from men.

Girls are taught to become agreeable before they are encouraged to become confident.

Strength is admired in boys but viewed as a flaw in girls.

By the time many women reach adulthood, they have spent years learning how to edit themselves in order to fit someone else's idea of what a "good woman" should look like.

That isn't femininity. It's conditioning.

And the conditioning usually begins long before a woman is old enough to recognize it.

Silence Was Never Meant to Be a Personality Trait

One of the biggest misconceptions traditional men have about femininity is that a woman's value increases when her voice becomes less noticeable.

In many homes, girls are raised to believe that speaking less makes them more respectable. They learn to measure their words carefully, not because they naturally enjoy being reserved, but because they have been taught that expressing themselves too freely is unattractive.

The expectation extends far beyond simple politeness.

Many women grow up believing that they should wait for permission before contributing to conversations. They hesitate before asking questions, avoid correcting people even when they know the answer, and second-guess themselves whenever they have an opinion that differs from a man's.

Eventually, self-censorship becomes a habit.

I've watched intelligent women remain silent in meetings where they had valuable ideas. I've seen women apologize before expressing perfectly reasonable opinions, as though having a voice required an apology.

None of that comes naturally.

People learn those behaviors after years of receiving the same message in different forms.

A confident man is often described as decisive or influential.

A confident woman may receive completely different labels.

Instead of recognizing her competence, some people focus on her personality and call her argumentative, difficult, proud, or disrespectful.

The behavior hasn't changed. The standards have.

That difference reveals something important.

The issue isn't really confidence. The issue is who is expected to display it.

Obedience Is Often Mistaken for Femininity

Traditional ideas about womanhood rarely stop at silence.

Many of them also demand unquestioning obedience.

The expectation begins in childhood.

A girl is taught that good daughters just say “Yes” to their fathers without asking too many questions. Marriage simply transfers that expectation to her husband. His opinions carry greater weight. His decisions become final. His approval determines what is acceptable.

Her responsibility is to cooperate. This arrangement is usually presented as respect.

In reality, respect and obedience are not identical.

Respect allows room for conversation, disagreement, and mutual understanding.

Blind obedience removes those possibilities.

A healthy relationship allows two adults to think independently while working toward shared goals.

A controlling relationship expects one person to surrender that independence entirely.

Those are very different experiences.

I've met women who struggle to make ordinary decisions without seeking reassurance from someone else first.

Some hesitate before applying for jobs.

Others postpone business ideas until they receive approval.

When someone loses confidence in their own judgment after years of conditioning, the problem isn't femininity.

The problem is dependence that has been carefully cultivated.

The Pressure to Become Smaller

Control isn't maintained through obedience alone.

Many women are also encouraged to reduce themselves in ways that are difficult to notice until you begin paying attention.

Some are advised not to appear "too intelligent" because intelligence may intimidate men.

Others are warned against becoming highly successful because achievement might damage their chances of getting married.

A few even pretend they know less than they actually do because they fear being described as intimidating.

Imagine spending years hiding your abilities just to protect someone else's ego.

That isn't humility. It's self-erasure.

The same pressure appears in everyday conversations.

Women are encouraged to soften their achievements, minimize their ambitions, laugh off compliments, and avoid drawing attention to themselves.

Instead of celebrating their gifts, they become experts at shrinking them.

The saddest part is that many no longer realize they're doing it.

The habit becomes so familiar that it starts to feel like their personality.

Yet no one is born believing they should become less intelligent, less capable, or less visible to make another person comfortable.

Those ideas are learned.

Whenever society rewards women for making themselves smaller while praising men for expanding their influence, something has gone wrong.

That pattern doesn't produce healthy relationships.

It produces unequal ones.

Submission Has Been Marketed as a Feminine Virtue

Another one of the strongest ideas promoted in traditional spaces is that a woman's highest calling is submission.

The word itself sounds harmless to many people because it has been repeated for generations. It is often wrapped in language about love, respect, family, and order. Once you look beyond those descriptions, however, a different picture begins to appear.

In many traditional relationships, submission doesn't simply mean cooperation.

It means accepting that someone else has the final authority over your life.

Major decisions are expected to pass through him.

His judgment carries greater weight. His preferences set the standard. His approval becomes the final answer.

When one person consistently holds that position, the relationship stops being an equal partnership. One person leads by default while the other adjusts.

Many women have been taught that this arrangement is beautiful because it reflects "proper femininity."

I struggle with that idea because I don't believe surrendering your independence should be presented as a personality trait.

Healthy relationships involve compromise.

Compromise happens when two adults listen to each other, exchange ideas, and arrive at decisions together.

Control works differently.

Control expects one person to accommodate while the other decides.

Those experiences should never be confused.

A woman can love deeply without abandoning her ability to think for herself.

She can respect her partner without giving away ownership of her own life.

Those qualities can exist together.

Why "Being Nice" Becomes a Trap

Another expectation placed on women is the pressure to remain pleasant at all times.

Kindness is a beautiful quality. Compassion matters.

Consideration matters.

The problem begins when kindness is treated as an obligation instead of a choice.

Many girls grow up believing they should avoid upsetting anyone.

They apologize even when they have done nothing wrong.

They tolerate disrespect because confronting it feels uncomfortable.

They continue giving their time, energy, and emotional support long after they are exhausted because they fear disappointing people.Eventually, protecting everyone else's feelings becomes more important than protecting their own well-being.

That isn't emotional maturity.

It's self-neglect disguised as goodness.

The world often rewards women for endless accommodation.

The woman who never complains is praised.

The woman who accepts poor treatment without objection is described as patient.

The woman who sacrifices her own needs receives admiration for being selfless.

Very few people stop to ask what all those sacrifices are costing her.

Living that way often creates resentment, emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and a loss of personal identity.

A healthy person should be able to express disappointment, establish limits, and say no without feeling guilty.

None of those things make a woman less feminine.

They simply make her emotionally healthy.

When Service Stops Being a Choice

Traditional ideas about femininity also place enormous value on service.

Cooking. Cleaning. Childcare.

Looking after extended family. Remembering birthdays.

Managing everyone's emotions. Keeping the household running.

None of these responsibilities are inherently wrong.

Many women genuinely enjoy caring for the people they love. I for one think it’s something I would enjoy.

The difficulty begins when service is treated as an obligation attached to womanhood rather than an act of love freely given.

Love loses something important when it becomes compulsory.

Again, I've met women who work full-time, contribute financially, manage most of the household responsibilities, organize family events, care for children, support relatives, and still carry the emotional weight of keeping everyone happy.

Even after doing all of that, many still feel as though they haven't done enough.

No matter how much they give, someone always expects more.

A life built around endless sacrifice leaves very little room for rest, personal growth, or joy.

Nobody should believe their value depends entirely on how useful they are to everyone else.

A woman's existence has worth long before she cooks a meal, washes clothes, raises children, or takes care of another adult.

Those actions may reflect generosity.

They should never become the measure of her humanity.

What Femininity Looks Like to Me

This is where my perspective differs completely from that of many traditional men.

I don't believe femininity can be reduced to silence, obedience, or service.

None of those qualities belong exclusively to women.

Men can be gentle. Men can be compassionate.

Men can enjoy caring for their families.

Women can be ambitious. Women can lead. Women can make difficult decisions. None of those qualities erase femininity.

To me, femininity is rooted in identity rather than performance.

It is the freedom to become the fullest version of yourself without squeezing your personality into someone else's expectations.

A feminine woman can speak with confidence because confidence doesn't belong to one gender.

She can build a successful career without feeling that success has made her less of a woman.

She can nurture people she loves while also protecting her own well-being.

She can express tenderness without accepting disrespect.

She can enjoy softness without abandoning strength.

She can choose marriage, motherhood, business, leadership, creativity, or any combination of those things because the decision belongs to her.

That freedom is what makes those choices meaningful.

Femininity should never feel like a cage.

It should feel like the freedom to exist as yourself without constantly asking whether your personality makes other people uncomfortable.

A kind woman chooses compassion because it reflects her character.

A compliant woman may appear agreeable because she has spent years believing that disagreement comes with consequences.

Those are not the same thing.

Whenever people describe the "ideal woman," I pay attention to what they leave out.

Does she have opinions?

Can she challenge ideas respectfully?

Is she allowed to change her mind?

Can she refuse something that makes her uncomfortable?

Does she have dreams that exist outside her relationships?

Can she express disappointment without being labelled disrespectful?

In many traditional settings, those questions are rarely considered.

Instead, the conversation revolves around how easy she is to manage.

That is why I struggle with the way didirin is presented.

The description rarely celebrates a complete human being.

It often celebrates a woman whose entire identity has been built around making life easier for everyone except herself.

Conditioning starts earlier than most people realize.

Nobody is born believing they deserve less freedom than someone else.

Children enter the world with curiosity, confidence, strong opinions, and endless questions.

Watch a little girl before society begins shaping her.

She laughs without asking whether she's being too loud.

She asks difficult questions because she genuinely wants answers.

She runs, explores, argues, dreams, and imagines possibilities without worrying whether any of those things are "ladylike."

Something changes as she grows older.

Little by little, she begins receiving messages about the kind of girl she is expected to become.

Sometimes those lessons come through words.

Sometimes they appear through reactions.

She notices that disagreement attracts correction.

She notices that confidence receives less encouragement when it comes from girls than when it comes from boys.

She learns to observe people's expectations before expressing herself.

Those lessons rarely happen in a single conversation.

They appear in classrooms, religious spaces, family gatherings, friendships, films, books, and everyday interactions.

A relative tells her that respectable girls don't argue.

A teacher praises girls for being silent while describing noisy boys as energetic.

Someone warns her that men don't like women who are "too opinionated."

Another person reminds her that marriage should become her greatest achievement.

Each comment may seem insignificant on its own.

Together, they create a script that follows her into adulthood.

When Conditioning Begins to Feel Natural

The human mind has an incredible ability to adapt.

After hearing the same message for many years, people often stop questioning it.

It starts feeling normal.

Many women genuinely believe they prefer staying in the background because they have spent most of their lives being rewarded for it.

Some convince themselves they dislike leadership.

Others believe they simply aren't interested in expressing opinions.

Many avoid opportunities because they assume someone else is naturally more qualified.

Sometimes those preferences are genuine.

Sometimes they are the result of years spent adjusting to expectations.

The difficult part is telling the difference.

Conditioning becomes especially powerful when it disguises itself as personality.

If a girl receives praise every time she suppresses herself and criticism every time she expresses herself, she eventually associates silence with safety.

She isn't making that choice from complete freedom.

She's responding to years of reinforcement.

Many women didn't wake up one morning and decide to disappear inside themselves. They adapted to the environment around them.

Understanding that difference changes the conversation.

Instead of asking, "Why doesn't she speak?"

A better question might be, "What taught her that speaking wasn't safe?"

Femininity Should Never Require Losing Yourself

One of the saddest consequences of this conditioning is how many women begin measuring their worth by how comfortable they make other people.

They become experts at reading the room. They know when to remain silent. They know when to smile. They know when to pretend something doesn't hurt. They know when to abandon their own preferences to avoid disappoint someone else.

Those survival skills may help them navigate difficult environments.

They should never become the definition of womanhood.

There is nothing feminine about abandoning your identity.

There is nothing beautiful about living a life where your thoughts remain hidden because you fear how people might respond.

A healthy woman should have enough freedom to laugh without restraint, disagree respectfully, build meaningful work, rest without guilt, and express every part of her personality without feeling that she has failed some invisible test.

If becoming the "ideal woman" requires giving away your confidence, your curiosity, your voice, and your dreams, then the standard itself deserves to be questioned.

No healthy definition of femininity should require a woman to disappear in order to be accepted.

The Difference Between Femininity and Submission

A lot of women have been made to believe they must choose between being feminine and being themselves.

They are told that confidence makes them too masculine.

They are told that ambition removes their softness.

They are told that independence means they are rejecting womanhood.

This idea creates an unnecessary conflict.

Femininity and submission are not the same thing.

A woman can be gentle and still have strong opinions.

She can love deeply and still protect her individuality.

She can care for people and still expect care in return.

Her kindness does not cancel her intelligence.

Her softness does not remove her ability to stand firm.

A woman does not become less feminine because she knows what she wants from life.

The mistake happens when people attach femininity to a woman's willingness to surrender herself.

A woman who constantly agrees is considered "easy."

A woman who asks questions is considered "difficult."

A woman who accepts everything is praised.

A woman who sets limits is criticised.

That standard does not measure femininity.

It measures how convenient she is for other people.

And a woman's purpose is not to become convenient.

Softness Is Not Weakness

There is a reason many people associate femininity with softness.

Women have historically been encouraged to develop qualities like empathy, patience, emotional awareness, and nurturing.

Those qualities can be beautiful.

The problem begins when softness is interpreted as weakness.

A soft person can still be powerful.

A gentle woman can still be firm.

A compassionate woman can still walk away from situations that harm her.

There is strength in knowing how to care without losing yourself in the process.

The world needs women who can nurture others, but women also deserve environments where they are nurtured too.

Love should not require one person to constantly pour while another person only receives.

A woman does not have to become cold to protect herself.

She does not need to lose her kindness to develop boundaries.

The two can exist together.

Some people genuinely believe a woman's achievements can make her less desirable.

They worry that a successful woman will become arrogant, difficult, or impossible to respect.

Ambition is not a character flaw.

Wanting to improve your life is not a rejection of womanhood.

A woman who studies, builds a career, creates businesses, develops skills, or pursues meaningful goals is not competing with anyone.

She is simply growing.

A woman can celebrate her partner's success and still desire her own.

She can build something impressive without needing to prove that she is better than anyone else.

The desire to achieve does not belong only to men.

Dreams do not become inappropriate because they come from a woman.

A woman's purpose is much larger than fitting into someone else's expectations.

Boundaries Are Part of Healthy Femininity

Many women are taught that being good means being available.

Available to family. Available to friends.

Available to partners. Available whenever someone needs something.

But a life without boundaries eventually becomes exhausting.

Boundaries are not signs of selfishness.

They are signs that a person understands their own limits.

A woman who says no is not automatically rude.

She may simply be honest about what she can handle.

A woman who refuses disrespect is not trying to create problems.

She is protecting her dignity.

A woman who chooses herself sometimes is not abandoning the people she loves.

She is recognising that her own wellbeing matters too.

Without boundaries, kindness can become resentment.

Without boundaries, generosity can become exhaustion.

Without boundaries, love can become something one person gives while the other person takes.

Real femininity allows room for self-respect.

A Woman Is Allowed to Be a Full Human Being

At the heart of this entire conversation is something simple.

Women are human beings before they are wives, mothers, daughters, or partners.

They have thoughts. They have desires.

They have fears. They have dreams.

They have personalities that existed before anyone else entered their lives.

A woman does not become valuable because she serves a role.

Her value already exists.

The relationships she builds and the love she gives should come from a place of choice, not fear.

When a woman chooses to cook, care, support, or sacrifice for someone she loves, those actions become meaningful because they come from genuine willingness.

A choice made freely has a different kind of beauty.

That is what many people miss.

The issue has never been women embracing traditional responsibilities.

The issue is forcing every woman into the same version of womanhood and calling it the only acceptable one.

Femininity is not a uniform. It is not a performance. It is not a list of rules created for women to follow. It is the expression of who a woman truly is.

And every woman deserves the freedom to discover that for herself.

What Happens When a Woman Refuses to Fit the Mould

The moment a woman begins questioning the expectations placed on her, something interesting happens.

People who were comfortable with the old version of her may suddenly become uncomfortable.

The woman who used to agree with everything begins expressing her thoughts.

The woman who used to tolerate everything begins explaining her limits.

The woman who used to put herself last begins making decisions that include her own needs.

To some people, this transformation feels like a problem.

They may say she has changed.

They may say she is becoming disrespectful.

They may accuse her of losing her femininity.

But sometimes what people call "change" is simply a woman finally becoming aware of herself.

A person who has always benefited from your silence may struggle when you discover your voice.

A person who has always received your unlimited energy may complain when you start protecting it.

A person who was comfortable with your constant availability may feel rejected when you begin creating healthy boundaries.

Their discomfort does not automatically mean you are wrong.

Sometimes it simply means the relationship dynamic is changing.

Why Some People Fear a Woman With a Voice

A woman with confidence can be intimidating to someone who expects women to remain agreeable.

Simply because she cannot be easily controlled.

A woman who thinks independently brings something important into every relationship: another perspective.

She asks questions. She notices things.

She contributes ideas. She has the ability to disagree without turning disagreement into disrespect.

Those qualities make partnerships stronger.

However, in environments where authority has always belonged to one person, independent thinking can feel threatening.

A man who believes leadership means being obeyed may struggle with a woman who expects conversation.

A man who believes his partner's role is only to support him may struggle with a woman who also has personal goals.

A man who expects unlimited access to her time and attention may struggle when she begins deciding how she wants to use her own resources.

The issue is not that she has become difficult.

The issue is that she is no longer fitting into the role someone else created for her.

Being Called "Too Much"

Many women are familiar with this phrase.

"You're too much."

It is often used when a woman displays qualities that people are not used to seeing from her.

She speaks confidently. She expresses dissatisfaction. She expects effort.

She asks for respect. She pursues something meaningful.

Suddenly, qualities that would be admired in someone else become flaws.

A passionate woman becomes "dramatic."

A direct woman becomes "rude."

An ambitious woman becomes "intimidating."

A woman who protects her peace becomes "selfish."

Sometimes these descriptions reveal more about the observer than the woman being criticized.

People often judge others through the lens of their own expectations.

Someone who expects women to remain quiet may view confidence as arrogance.

Someone who expects women to accept everything may view boundaries as rebellion.

Someone who expects women to prioritize everyone else may view self-respect as selfishness.

The label does not always reflect reality.

Choosing Yourself Can Feel Unfamiliar

For women who have spent years trying to meet everyone else's expectations, embracing themselves can feel strange.

They may feel guilty the first time they say no.

They may question themselves the first time they choose a path that others don't understand.

They may wonder whether they are becoming selfish when they start considering their own happiness.

That discomfort does not mean they are making the wrong decision.

It often means they are doing something new.

A person who has always carried everyone else's needs may feel uncomfortable when they finally create space for themselves.

Growth often feels unfamiliar before it feels natural.

The goal is not to become someone who does not care about others.

The goal is to become someone who remembers that they matter too.

Finally, If you believe femininity means a woman should lose herself to make your life easier, it may be worth questioning where that belief came from.

A woman having opinions does not reduce youri mportance. A woman pursuing success does not make you less valuable. A woman expressing herself does not mean she has rejected respect.

Respect cannot exist where only one person is allowed to be fully human.

A strong relationship is not built on one person disappearing so the other person can shine.

A woman is not your possession. She is your partner.

She is someone with her own thoughts, experiences, and dreams.

The goal of love should not be creating someone who exists only to satisfy your expectations.

The goal should be building something where both people are able to grow.

A woman who knows herself is not a threat.

She is someone who brings honesty into the relationship.

She brings a complete person, not someone who has been trained to hide parts of herself.

If you have spent years hearing that a good woman must always be agreeable, remember that you are allowed to question the definition you were given.

You are allowed to discover yourself outside the expectations that were placed on you.

Many women have been taught to measure their worth by how well they make other people comfortable. They learned to avoid conflict, hide disappointment, and suppress their needs because they believed love depended on being easy to handle.

But your existence was never meant to be built around disappearing.

Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. You do not become a better woman by pretending you have no opinions.

A relationship does not become healthier because one person is afraid to speak. A family does not become stronger because one person carries every burden without complaint.

You are a person with your own mind, and having your own perspective does not make you disrespectful.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more from life.

There is nothing wrong with having dreams that belong to you.

For some women, choosing themselves will feel uncomfortable at first.

They may feel guilty when they set boundaries.

They may feel selfish when they finally prioritize their own well-being.

They may wonder whether they are becoming a "bad woman" because they no longer fit the image they were praised for.

That feeling is understandable.

When someone spends years being rewarded for putting themselves last, choosing themselves can feel unnatural.

But discomfort does not always mean you are doing something wrong.

Sometimes it means you are learning a new way of existing.

You can still be loving. You can still be caring.

You can still be compassionate. You can still value family and relationships. The difference is just that you are no longer abandoning yourself in the process.

A woman's femininity is not determined by how closely she follows another person's expectations.

It comes from the way she carries herself, the values she chooses, and the person she becomes.

A woman can be gentle without being powerless.

She can be loving without being controlled.

She can be generous without becoming invisible.

She can be strong without losing her softness.

These qualities do not compete with each other.

They can exist within the same person.

The idea that women must choose between strength and femininity is one of the biggest misunderstandings about womanhood.

A complete woman does not need to remove parts of herself to become acceptable.

Try as much as possible to unlearn the desire for everyone to approve of you.

The constant search for approval becomes exhausting because there will always be someone who wants you to adjust.

Someone will always have an opinion about your choices.

Someone will always believe you should be different.

If you spend your entire life trying to satisfy every expectation, you may eventually lose touch with what you genuinely want.

A meaningful life requires self-awareness.

It requires knowing your values. It requires understanding that disappointing someone does not automatically mean you have failed.

Sometimes disappointing others is simply a sign that you are no longer abandoning yourself to keep them comfortable.

Your femininity belongs to you.

It is not something another person gets to design for you.

Your voice is not a problem. Your ambition is not something you need to apologize for. Your boundaries are not signs that you lack kindness. Your authenticity is not a failure of womanhood.

Be yourself with honesty. Build the life that reflects your values.

Choose the kind of woman you want to become.

That is where true femininity begins.

See you tomorrow. 🤎