Day 78/100: If I loved you before and you did me bad, well, I still love you. Just stay the hell away from me, though.

This probably sounds contradictory. I know people expect you to either love someone or hate them. There’s supposed to be no in-between.

But that’s not how it works for me.

I can love you and still need you completely out of my life.

Loving you doesn’t mean I have to keep you around. Caring about you doesn’t mean I have to let you hurt me again.

Wishing you well doesn’t mean I have to be in your life while you’re doing it.

I can genuinely hope good things happen to you and still not want you anywhere near me.

When I loved you, I loved you completely. That was real.

The memories are real. The connection was real. What we had mattered.

That doesn’t disappear just because things ended badly.

I don’t wake up one day and suddenly hate you. I don’t pretend the good parts didn’t happen.

I remember them. And I still care about the person I loved.

But caring about someone doesn’t mean I have to let them stay in my life after they’ve hurt me.

You did me bad. That matters too.

You hurt me. Whether it was intentional or careless, whether it was one thing or many things - you hurt me.

And I can’t unknow that. I can't be unhurt.

So yes, I still love you. But I also can’t trust you. I also can’t be around you. I also can’t let you back in.

The difference between love and relationships

You can love someone without being in a relationship with them.

Love is what I feel. Relationships are what I do.

I can feel love for you and still choose not to have a relationship with you.

Because relationships require trust. It requires safety. It requires believing that this person won’t hurt you again.

And I can’t believe that about you. Not after what happened.

So love exists. But a relationship doesn’t.

It means no contact. No “checking in.” No “just seeing how you’re doing.”

It means I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want to know about your life.

It means you’re completely out of my world. Not because I hate you. But because being around you, even in small ways, keeps the wound open.

Because I’m not strong enough (yet) to be near you and stay healthy.

Because my peace matters more than your comfort.

Why I can’t just hate you

Hating the person who hurt you doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make it cleaner.

I can’t even hate anyone. Not even a little bit.

Because my love for that person was real. Because there were good moments. Because some part of me will always care.

But that doesn’t change what needs to happen. Which is, you need to stay away.

I don’t have to hate you for that to be the healthiest choice.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean going back to how things were. It doesn’t mean pretending you didn’t hurt me.

Forgiveness is me releasing the bitterness so it doesn’t poison me. But that release doesn’t require your presence.

So don’t confuse love with weakness. Don’t confuse caring with willingness to be hurt again.

If you were wondering why I’m not angry, it’s because I moved past anger.

If you were wondering why I’m not cold, it’s because I can’t be. It’s not who I am.

If you were wondering why I can still say I love you, it’s because I do. But I love myself more.

And loving myself means keeping you away.

To anyone reading this,

If you’re in a place where you love someone but need them completely out of your life, you’re not weak. You’re not cold for being able to hold both things. You’re not fake for still caring while still needing distance. You’re protecting yourself. And that takes more strength than hate ever could.

You can love people and keep them away. You can wish them well and wish them nowhere near you.

Both are true. Both are valid. Both are necessary sometimes.

So I loved you. I still do in some way that will probably never fully go away. But I can’t have you in my life. I can’t let you close. I can’t risk being hurt like that again.

So this is where we are: I love you from a distance.

Complete distance.

I hope you’re okay, and I really do hope you’re happy.

See you tomorrow. 🤎