Kings, Croissants and Deputy-Head Energy

Hello humans!

I hope your local star has been shining on you and that you have a wonderful bank holiday weekend in store. And not just any bank holiday. It’s Star Wars Day! May the disappointing sequels be with you.

Speaking of bank holidays, that brings me to a classic Count Binface policy:

I WILL ABOLISH BANK HOLIDAYS… FOR BANKS. They’ve done so much damage, how dare they get a day off like normal people.

When it comes to policies, I’ve also got a brand new one for you, hot off the press. This week Donald ‘The Fanta Fuhrer’ Trump invited the Artemis II astronauts to the White House, and he used this as an opportunity to make it all about himself. Naturally. Trump said, I kid you not:

“I would have had no problem making it [as an astronaut]. I’m physically very, very good.”

My response is simple…

Trump should immediately be given astronaut training. All of it. Start him off in a centrifuge. He’ll shit himself within five seconds. Live-stream this and it will break the internet. Win win. #VoteBinface

It’s less than a week until the 2026 Local Elections in the UK, elections which political journalists will tell you is a crucial bellwether in the parliamentary cycle, and which Count Binface will tell you he can’t be arsed to take part in. (One of the advantages of having a spaceship is that potholes don’t really bother me.)

Still, this time next week we might know if it’s curtains for Keir, or if the struggling, strained, stammering and stricken Prime Minister will limp on into the summer and beyond, in office but not in power.

I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down. That’s for the Met Police to do when they’re tackling a dangerous terrorist. And I’m not going to criticise them for this when anti-semitic violence is so prevalent. You’d have to be a very naive political leader to do that.

What was Zack Polanski thinking when he did precisely that? The Green leader has now apologised, but he is suddenly discovering that you don’t need hypnotherapy to make a massive boob. (To quote follower John Cains on Bluesky, Zack’s now got plenty of knockers.)

[Celebrate the bank holiday and treat yourself to a FULL MEMBERSHIP! If you sign up between now and Star Wars Day (May 4th) you’ll get 20% off! Special thanks to Michelle who has just become my latest Founding Member!]