Election Special: The Turquoise Turdquake

Hello humans!

Happy Local Elections to you all. What a strange phenomenon they are. If you ask me, they’re very much the Commonwealth Games of the British political cycle. Nobody sane really gives a damn about them, but the BBC goes absolutely batshit mad.

One giant question is of course hanging over the results: why didn’t you stand, Count Binface?

Let me answer that question fully and comprehensively here. (And also on LBC: I’m writing to you as I’m en route to chat to Matthew Wright on Saturday morning at 09:50am. Note to other national media - I am available.)

The first reason why I didn’t take part in the 2026 elections is a simple one: I was waiting for some Thailand-based crypto kingpin to bung me a mysterious £5million donation. No such highly suspicious gift materialised, and without that, why would anyone bother, I ask you?

There are other reasons why I stayed put on board my mothership too. This included the twin facts that (a) I’m honest, and (b) I couldn’t be arsed. There’s a weird and gigantic disconnect between how loudly political journalists salivate about the local elections, and how much the results really matter. Not even to us bins.

By the way, I don’t mean that they don’t ‘matter’ in terms of everyday life - in actual fact a local councillor might have more sway over your daily comforts than your MP. What I mean is that no matter how many hours of rolling coverage the news channels devote to the locals, no ordinary human cares about these elections. So the real question is: do they deserve me?

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