A week is a long time in politics

Hello humans! I hope you have a fantastic bank holiday weekend in store.

The last seven days has taken me from the heights of showbiz to the gutter of politics, and I’m here for all of it. Keep reading for a bit of an exclusive!

It’s barely a week since the Eurovision Song Contest, in which the United Kingdom’s entry (by Look Mum One Point) was rewarded by finishing in the customary last place. And I have responded in the only way I know how: by offering my services to be the UK’s 2027 entry. I literally can’t be any worse than the last bloke, and Look Mum’s backing dancers even looked like a peculiar furry homage to me.

Why don’t the people who choose the British entry go the whole hog and let me have a go? I’m Grade 8 on the laser harp for starters. I’m not saying I’m the bookies’ favourite, but my campaign has started to gain momentum, and I’ve even gained my first national newspaper endorsement, from the mighty Daily Star. I’ve run in multiple popularity contests (or ‘elections’ as humans call them) and I’ve never ever come last. I also have a track record of finishing higher than the far right, so I'm in with a shout of beating Israel too. Choose me and things are looking up!

As if it was meant to be, planet Earth got a good taste of what it looks like to see me in my magnificence living it up on the big stage. On Thursday evening I was invited to present the Best News award at the ARIAs. It’s the BAFTAs of the audio world, without the pictures or the international controversy.

I say no controversy. But incredibly neither of my BBC Radio 4 specials, What On Earth? and Ceefax Strikes Back, were nominated for these prestigious gongs. Has anyone checked the voting machines…?

But I digress.

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